EARLY CHILDHOOD TRAUMA

3 Things Abusive Parents Fail To Teach Their Children

How childhood trauma shapes future beliefs

1. That having needs is not a weakness

Children with these parents either don’t have their needs met or have these needs used against them. This eventually leads them to develop a distaste for needing anyone or anything. They try to become as self-reliant as possible because if they can meet their own needs, other people can’t hold these needs against them.

This is deeply ingrained in me. As far as I’m concerned, if I need something from someone, they can use that to control me. If I fear losing someone, they can use that to trap me.

My life has always revolved around eliminating as many needs as possible. For instance, in a relationship, I must always be okay with the idea of losing someone. Or I do not want kids, but even if I did, I still wouldn’t have them because being pregnant would mean I would be vulnerable and dependent on someone at least for nine months and then my life afterwards would be restricted.

In reality, having needs you want other people to meet is normal. Humans have evolved to survive together, and it’s impossible to be 100% independent and attachment-free. The difference between people who avoid needing others and those at peace is their past experiences.

If you expect people to ridicule you for having needs or use them to manipulate you, you will do your best to either suppress them or hide them.

“Over the years our research team has repeatedly found that chronic emotional abuse and neglect can be just as devastating as physical abuse and sexual molestation…Not being seen, not being known, and having nowhere to turn to feel safe is devastating at any age, but it is particularly destructive for young children, who are still trying to find their place in the world.” — Bessel van der Kolk

2. Relationships are meant to be a source of happiness

If you have experienced childhood trauma, you will perceive relationships as either threatening or not something you deserve.

Many people with such histories will obsessively look for the perfect relationship and bend over backwards to get people to like them. They can be excessively people-pleasing, chase hard-after potential partners, and be willing to do anything to make a relationship work. They often freak out if they don’t hear back from their partners and may require people to text them back immediately because they have such a massive fear of abandonment.

On the flip side, some people with a history of trauma are threatened by the very idea of being in a relationship. They perceive people as trying to trap them and control them for their own benefit. They see others as potential enemies trying to use and abuse them. So inevitably, they become loners and spend their lives avoiding intimate relationships.

If you are securely attached, you will attract securely attached people, and your relationship is much more likely to be successful. On the other hand, if you are insecurely attached, you will attract others like you and create the very kind of relationship you fear;

Do you fear abandonment?

• Your controlling or needy behaviours will push the other person to abandon you.

Do you fear enmeshment?

• Your dismissive and defensive behaviours will make the other person feel anxious and try to control you.

I remember when my therapist asked me how my ideal relationship would start, and I said to him they would have to be at a comfortable distance that I could very slowly close. In other words, I am never going to meet someone and start spending whole weekends with them just after a month or two of knowing each other.

My friends’ attitudes towards relationships sometimes baffle me. For example, one of my best friends met her current partner two years ago, I remember they had been dating for three months, and she let him stay over at his for two weeks during the COVID lockdown.

I was shocked because I remember when I was dating someone who wanted to meet up twice the same week, and my response was a no. I always have to control the distance to prevent bonding too quickly.

“Being traumatized means continuing to organize your life as if the trauma were still going on — unchanged and immutable — as every new encounter or event is contaminated by the past.” — Bessel van der Kolk

3. That life is not just one big fight to defend your territory

When you experience trauma in your childhood, your whole life feels like a fight.

You are constantly;

• fighting for your rights
• hiding vulnerabilities so people can’t use them against you
• making sure you appear a certain way to deter people from attacking you.
• preoccupied with reading people and detecting any potential threats.

In contrast, people who have a happy childhood are at peace with the world. They do not live in survival mode.

I think traumatized people live in a different world than non-traumatized people because they attract each other. Some people with such histories are not traumatized to the extent that they hurt others. Still, some are and essentially, what happens is they form relationships and traumatize each other further.

So in a way, life really can be a big fight to defend their territory. It also doesn’t help that people who have experienced trauma can feel threatened over innocuous things because they have a hostile attribution bias.

For instance, I went on a date with this guy last year, and he was too affectionate which made me feel suffocated, so I decided to just leave at 5 in the morning. I said I would walk home on my own, but he insisted on walking back with me despite my protests. He left his house with me even though I had said no like five times at this point, so I just snapped and asked why he was insisting.

He told me if his mum knew he let me walk home alone in this dangerous area, she would be so angry with him, but I felt extremely irritated and told him he was being pushy. I remember thinking that there was going to be a physical altercation between him and me, but all that happened was the guy threw his hands up and said, “I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to be pushy.” and backed off.

A few weeks later, my best friend and her boyfriend came down, and we were walking down the same street as I was telling them about the incident. The boyfriend said, “If I was with a girl and she refused to let me walk her home here, I would make her sign a piece of paper saying she consented to this because it’s a really dangerous area. Something could happen to her, and then I would be the last person to see her.”

Essentially, I was interpreting the guy’s intentions in the most negative way possible. I didn’t see it as he was trying to make sure I was safe. I was thinking he was a stalker trying to find out where I lived.

I think never feeling safe comes from not being at peace with the world. If you perceive the world as hostile and dangerous, there is inevitably a preoccupation with threat detection, so you are ready to defend yourself if necessary.

“Long after a traumatic experience is over, it may be reactivated at the slightest hint of danger…This precipitates unpleasant emotions intense physical sensations, and impulsive and aggressive actions. These posttraumatic reactions feel incomprehensible and overwhelming.” — Bessel van der Kolk

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