Summary

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson delivers a satirical apology for various scandals, including lockdown parties at Downing Street, past allegations of racism and homophobia, and other controversies, while attempting to deflect blame and maintain his position.

Abstract

In a mock apology, Boris Johnson addresses the public scandal surrounding illicit gatherings at Downing Street during COVID-19 lockdowns, acknowledging the disparity between the sacrifices made by the public and the actions of his government. He feigns regret for the parties and other controversies, including his past derogatory comments towards minority groups and his personal affairs. Johnson's speech is laced with sarcasm and deflection, as he references his decorating endeavors, the misuse of public funds, and his web of lies, including the infamous Brexit bus claim. He also attempts to shift focus by invoking the successes of his tenure as London Mayor and his bout with COVID-19, which briefly boosted his approval ratings. The article concludes with Johnson's plea for unity under his leadership, despite the ongoing criticism and calls for his resignation.

Opinions

The author portrays Johnson as insincere and evasive, using humor and deflection to avoid taking full responsibility for his actions.
There is a clear critique of the hypocrisy displayed by Johnson and his government, who are seen as exempt from the rules they impose on the public.
The article suggests that Johnson's apology is disingenuous, as he has a history of making false promises and statements, such as the £350m a week for the NHS claim during the Brexit campaign.
Johnson's past comments on race and sexuality are presented as evidence of his prejudiced views, despite his attempts to dismiss them as satire or taken out of context.
The mention of Johnson's personal affairs and undeclared offshore finances implies a lack of transparency and ethical conduct.
The satirical piece reflects a broader public sentiment of frustration and mistrust towards Johnson's leadership and the actions of his government.
The article hints at a strategy of distraction, with Johnson bringing up past controversies involving other politicians to divert attention from his own scandals.
The call to subscribe to the author's stories through a referral link, or alternatively through another author's link, suggests a critique of Medium's referral program and a satirical take on the platform's dynamics.

IS THIS EVEN SATIRE ANYMORE?

The First Draft of Boris Johnson’s Latest Scandal Apology

Make sure your hair is extra messy and start by distracting them like you always do with your bumbling, affable… wait, I don’t think I’m supposed to be reading this part, am I?

Spin those suckers around and tell us what you really think. Photo credit: Palácio do Planalto | CC BY 2.0

Mister Speaker, I want to apologise.

I know that millions of people across this country have made extraordinary sacrifices, while I have sacrificed nothing.

I know the anguish they have felt, unable to live their lives as they want, while we at Downing Street are living it large.

I know the anger they feel towards me and the government I lead, having finally realised that the rules we make do not apply to us, only to them.

And though I cannot anticipate the conclusions of the upcoming enquiry, I can still stand before you today and say that I’m sorry. There were things we didn’t get right, and today, I am here to take responsibility.

I’d have done this sooner, but as you all know I’ve been very busy decorating recently. You’re all welcome to pop around at any time to see what we’ve done with the place, by the way. We’ve had it all wallpapered and recarpeted. Our new curtains cost a bomb, too! [advisor widens eyes, gestures for him to stop]

Err, right, now where was I? Ah yes, these parties.

I have already made it perfectly clear that the Christmas party in 2020 was only a meeting. That’s our latest stance, right? [fumbles with notes]

Excuse me, I have already made it perfectly clear that the ‘party’ in December 2020 never happened. I’ve explained that time and time again. I don’t even like wine and cheese. I’m more of a port and crackers kind of guy.

As for the ‘Bring Your Own Booze’ party in May 2020, held during nationwide lockdown restrictions, we will not know for certain whether I was there and broke any rules until the full enquiry returns. When it does, Mister Speaker, I assure you a lowly MP or advisor will once again be held fully accountable. [throws a wink at advisor]

To show the British public my willingness to take full responsibility, I thought I’d wrap up a few other matters that have started re-emerging in the press recently. [lifts up a massive stack of papers from underneath and drops them with a thud in front of him]

Make sure your hair is extra messy and start by distracting them like you always do with your bumbling, affable… wait, I don’t think I’m supposed to be reading this part, am I? Excuse me. Yes, I see, the square brackets signal are a note just for me. My mistake. [advisor’s eyes glaze over]

Firstly, about the past allegations of racism and homophobia. Yes, I did call black people “piccaninnies” with “watermelon smiles”. But that was taken entirely out of context. I can’t remember what the exact context was, but I’m sure it was taken out of it.

The same when I called burka wearing Muslims walking “letterboxes” and “bank robbers”. That was just satire. And when I called gay men “tank-topped bum boys”… how is that even offensive?

Anyway, I can assure you all, that some of my closest friends are black people, burka wearing Muslims, and gay men in tank tops, so I can’t possibly be racist or homophobic.

What’s next? All my affairs? Yes, we can talk about them.

To all my children out there, however many of you there are, know that daddy loves you.

Then what, my lies? I thought that’s what we were talking about? [shuffles papers] Oh dear, there’s a lot of them, isn’t there… I can’t even remember half of these. Okay, let’s make this a speed round.

I’m sorry about the Brexit bus and the £350m a week for the NHS lie.

I’m sorry I promised 40 new hospitals would be built when I had no intention of ever doing so. I wanted to be elected, you see.

I’m sorry I lied to the Queen about proroguing the government in 2019.

I’m sorry for putting a hit on a journalist who was investigating me in the 90s.

I’m sorry for allowing my former mistress access to public funds I didn’t declare.

I’m sorry for Dominic Cummings, Matt Hancock, Dominic Raab, Michael Gove… who else is there? Yes, Priti Patel… Dear me, we can’t forget about her!

I’m sorry for the millions of pounds I have tucked away on an offshore tax haven and… Wait, they don’t know about that one yet do they? [advisor doesn’t respond, she is too busy updating her CV.]

Let me cross that one out, then. That’ll probably be enough, I reckon. We can save the rest of that list for another day.

In these dark moments, if the public still doubts my credentials and sincerity, I’d like to remind them of the good times when I was London Mayor, and when I had Covid back in 2020… probably contracted at one of these parties now I think of the date… when my approval rating shot through the roof. If you all want me to catch it again to be popular, I will. Or at least, I’ll say I’ve got it. Whatever it takes to win your trust.

Finally, I’d like to assure every one of my commitment to this country, that I am devoted to building a strong post-Brexit Britain, and that this government puts the interests of the British public first with everything we do.

I’d also like to remind the House of the time Diane Abbott drank a can of mojito on the train, when Ed Miliband ate a bacon sandwich, and point out that Jeremy Corbyn is still kicking around... surely there’s some more dirt we can dig up on him to distract things?

So please, stay at home, stay safe, Eat Out to Help Out, protect the NHS, let’s Build Back Better… err, are there any other catchphrases I’ve missed there? [advisor is slumped over desk with head in hands]

Context if you need it:

Boris Johnson faces calls to quit after lockdown party apology

A photo from May 2020 showed the prime minister and his staff with bottles of wine and a cheeseboard in the Downing…

www.bbc.co.uk

Frankly, I’m sick of telling you all to subscribe to my stories. You never listen. And I’m not even going to both asking you to use my referral link, so here’s Smillew Rahcuef’s instead. He asked nicely, after all:

I Unreferred 99 Members Last Month, and Medium Wants Me to Pay For It

The hidden truth behind Medium’s Referral Program

medium.com