The Feedback Which Helps You Grow
Lessons I learned while navigating through life
They say feedback is a gift, but more often than not; we don’t feel it.
Someone says you’re too ambitious, too high maintenance, or too much of a stickler. I bet it makes your blood boil. I often needed to resist the urge to shout off the rooftops when someone shared a critical and surprising view.
Accepting critical feedback is tough, whether at work or outside. It was exceptionally hard when I started my career. It felt so personal and targeted at my most vulnerable traits. I’ve improved since.
We wonder if we are seeking feedback from the right people. To add to the agony, we don’t have a process for taking the feedback and processing it.
This leaves you frustrated and confused. I’ve been there. Feeling defensive, upset, and not knowing what or how to change. Wow, how dare they think I am lazy? Me, who works her a** off?
You wish there was a way to avoid wasting valuable time overthinking feedback that shocks you to your core.
Great feedback is like an oasis in the desert or a stream of light piercing through the darkness.
Want to know how to get this kind of feedback at work? And how to process it to take action? Dr. Tasha Eurich, a Stanford psychologist and researcher, prescribes effective ways to deal with feedback. Read on to know more.
First, Why Seek Feedback?
Other people see us more objectively than we see ourselves. If we never learned how others see us, we wouldn’t be able to grow in life. We’ll keep repeating the same mistakes.
It’s not possible to run away from tough feedback. In fact, the more you avoid it, the severe the impact of the delay.
We have all experienced this in our lives.
You neglect things at work, suddenly you’re let go. Don’t give 100% to your relationship, and things go awry. It can happen to anyone if we don’t take feedback and are not aware of a problem we may cause others.
The problem with getting honest feedback is even people closest to us sometimes hesitate in sharing this info by choosing to be mum on undesirable messages. People will tell us white lies when they’re easier than the cold, harsh truth.
Since hearing the feedback is tough, we tell ourselves excuses for not seeking feedback. Dr. Tasha calls this ‘Ostrich trinity’. I share this below, as it’s a useful way to understand how to deal with each kind of excuse.
- Don’t need to ask for feedback: You need to recognize other’s opinions are as important as your own.
- Shouldn’t ask for feedback: You must remind yourself feedback is helpful for the long-term.
- Don’t want to ask for feedback: You can choose to learn the truth on your own terms, rather than having to face it, eventually. This stage will be much harder to process.
How To Seek Feedback?
Now, if you’re with me that seeking feedback is essential, then let’s move further. To get the right feedback, you require a process.
The right people to seek feedback
The best people to provide feedback are your ‘loving critics’. These are people who’ll be honest with us while having our best interests at heart.
These people are willing and able to be brutally honest with you. I have some mentors I can talk to anything about and this makes them be completely honest with me.
Signs for recognizing them are mutual respect, trust, sufficient exposure to the behavior you want feedback on, and a clear picture of what success looks like.
Know such people? If not, find them.
When I hear my loving critics say something, I know in my gut I need to take it seriously.
The feedback process starts from loving critics but can go far to unloving critics as well. It depends on how much you want to expand your influence and grow. Until you’re absolutely sure, start small.
The right questions to ask the right people
Now, what do you ask your loving critics to get the right feedback?
Specific hypothesis derived from past feedback or future development areas is helpful. Stick to one or a maximum of two hypotheses at a time. Overcomplicating it won’t help take any action.
My favorite questions are: What impact does my behavior have on you? What can I do differently?
For example, if the feedback is my public speaking skills need work, then I’ll assess its overall importance vs my long-term career goals.
If they give you over 2 areas of improvement, request them to help prioritize or do it yourself, considering your overall goals.
The right process to follow for feedback
Decide how frequently you want to have a conversation about getting feedback and discussing your progress on the feedback, or even seek additional help.
Sometimes, there is a gestation period to watch you in action, and then a regular feedback meeting. And sometimes the loving critic can help you with digesting a 360-degree feedback.
What helps me most is having a monthly cadence. Figure out what fits you.
Also, ask for feedback on how you take the feedback. Does it continue to make you defensive or have you grown through the process?
How To Process Feedback
Now, how you take the feedback is important. If you act impulsively, then you risk the relationship with the feedback provider.
The best way involves understanding the 3 Rs — Receiving, Reflecting & Responding to Feedback.
Receiving the Feedback
First, you can listen without judgment. If you feel ready, request the person giving the feedback to share more examples and situations or ask specific questions to understand the feedback better.
If you don’t feel ready yet or if the feedback is too painful, you can simply thank them for the feedback and say you’ll reflect on it and come back with questions. I have done this many times and whenever I have; it has worked 100% of the time in keeping the relationship.
There’s no pressure to respond in the moment, unless it’s self created.
Reflecting on the Feedback
Once you are calm, you can ask yourself questions to think over the feedback.
Do I understand this feedback? How will this affect my long-term success and well-being? Do I want to act on this feedback, and if so, how?
Responding to the Feedback
If you want to respond with purpose, know that it means something different for different scenarios.
- If the feedback is positive and confirming, it’s a source of confidence to move on your chosen path. These are the strengths we know of and so do others.
- If the feedback is positive and surprising, you can thank the person for highlighting a newfound strength and invest in developing it. For example, I discovered through one such feedback how good I was at planning.
3. If the feedback is critical and confirming, use self-affirmation. This involves not deluding ourselves to think we are better than we are, but reminding ourselves of our objective strengths and seeing the bigger picture of who we are.
Some tools helped me process this kind of feedback are reminiscing past successes and affirming my values.
Reminiscing past success helps you know a bad day is just a bad day. If you follow the right mindset, which is in line with your values, you’ll recover.
For example, learning I am poor at public -speaking, which I already know is not my strength. I remind myself of my past successes and think about what worked then and try it next time. I can also assess how important being good at public speaking is to my overall long-term success.
4. If the feedback is critical and surprising, you can work to change, but this isn’t the only option.
You can choose to reframe it, i.e. stop getting affected by it.
Or you can embrace it. Accept what you can’t change and put your energy into what you can. This can be liberating.
Conclusion
Asking for feedback and reflecting on it to become more self-aware are essential practices for all human beings who want to lead and grow through life.
- Understand avoiding asking for feedback won’t help you, as you’ll get it in some form, anyway. Apply ostrich trinity to understand what’s blocking you and then reframe your thinking corresponding to the situation.
- Learn to ask for the feedback from the right people in the right way.
- Finally, process the feedback with the 3R technique of Receive, Reflect and Respond.
These steps, if done right, will make you powerful and liberate you.
Implementing these practices over the last five years for work and life has made me strong and ready to take on any challenge in life.
Think about it. Decide how to implement it for yourself. If you implement this for work, you can also see how to implement this to your life.
“Failure is constructive feedback that tells you to try a different approach to accomplish what you want.” ― Idowu Koyenikan