The Exclusive Roast Algorithm Definitively Demonstrates the Other Algorithm is in Control
Hello? This is satire!!
Something is very wrong in Mediumsville.
Check out this masterful analysis of statistics from my recent popular story,
Using proprietary and state of the art graphics tools I developed overnight by using my big brain, I have conducted an analysis of the statistics from my recent story above. Here is the extensive chart I spent hours developing:
As you can see from the above well-designed graphic, this story has made no money. By my calculations, based on the number of views this story has had, it should have earned at least 12 cents.
Further analysis indicates that the number of reads may have been too high for the simple algorithm Medium uses to calculate average reading time. I have discovered this defect through intense and deep analysis of a pirated copy of said algorithm. I believe this is the answer to the ever present question of, “Why has my story made so little money?”
In addition, I have discovered through extensive examination, confirmed by peer review, that the internal view pattern creates a really cool pyramid. This doesn’t happen with every story’s view pattern, but it is not uncommon.
As you can see by the printing contained within the highly complex geometric pattern below the title, it appears curation is unlikely due to the standard “Medium will not curate this astounding piece of art” language,“Hang tight!” This phraseology is commonly found on alien artifacts promising the secret to life. So far, we are still “Hanging tight.”
Uh oh! I fear my computer is be. .g atta.k.d. I don.t .now how longggggggg I cannnnnn wi. .stand this attempt to sile . e me.
I wi . . not be stop..d!
I. . . .
Good Day. Mr. Roast is currently unavailable. Please disregard all of the information above. Mr. Roast is undergoing re-education and, depending on the results, may be allowed to start writing again. Or not.
Regards, Mediumsville Editors
Mental Health is more important today than ever. If you are feeling down, reach out and talk with someone. I hope you got a laugh out of this, and it helped lighten your mood.
Chuck Roast is a writer, author, word generator, hack, scribbler, literary genius, penman, scribe, litterateur, poet in residence (my house), satirist, and humorist (“humourist” for those of you who like the “incorrect” spelling)for Medium and the publication Illumination, among others, a Top Writer in Satire and Humor, owner/editor/writer of his own Publication, Dad-Bods, which is currently sitting idle while he develops his social media skills and gains more exposure through manipulation of said social media.
He was recently curated for the first time, in Poetry, for his poetic story, Remember the Founders and Their Reasons. He has also been twice published on thw website, goodmenproject.com.
Here are the links to his accounts, LinkedIn, Twitter. Comments are always appreciated. Thanks for reading. Write On! Write well, write good, and write enough!
Please comment! I’d love to hear from you!