NOVEL

The Distance Between Us

The Love We Had, Chapter 33

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33

I put my hand on his shoulder. I felt that his shoulder was cold. He pulled away, dragging the quilt over the body.

I laid in the dark. I barely could hear his breath. I knew he was there, and that he, like me, was awake under the duvet. I touched his back, I asked wordlessly: “Why do you turn away? Why don’t you want to have me near?”

“You,” I said, ”can we not -?”

I stopped. Losing courage, losing momentum. I was a sailboat and there was no wind.

“What is it?” he asked.

“Nothing,” I said.

“Then why do you ask?”

He looked at me, annoyed. I bowed my head, unable to answer.

I tried to approach him a little. I thought:

“Can’t just give up.”

We were lying there in bed, in silence. The light was off, it was completely dark and I put my hand on his shoulder. He moved his upper body away from me. It was obvious. He did not want me to touch him. I wanted to talk; ask some questions.

“Why?” I asked, ”— why are you pulling away from me?”

I hesitated, looking for the following words:

“Why, “ I said, “why do you turn away my hand?”

“When I seek contact with you, why do you — ? Why do you not want me to be close to you?

I have tried countless times. I’ve tried to get in touch with him, I’ve tried to get close to him but it’s so difficult. I try to reach out a hand, try to give him a sign.

I have thought of him and me as two people building a wall between them. We were for many years busy building a wall between the two of us. At first, I had thought that we had come together in a joint project that was about building a home together. With great joint efforts we were going to build something. And we should succeed by supporting each other and by helping each other. We were to stand together on this joint project.

But before it was done it became quiet. It happened very fast. There was very quickly silence between us. Something that died. The magic between us disappeared. It was an unpleasant silence, and it was almost painful to experience it. The worst part was that I did not know what to do until it was too late.

All this did something to us, it made us lose sight of each other. Once we tried to get together again, hoping we could repair things. It lasted for a few months, then the same thing occurred to us as what had happened before, and there was a new distance between us. That was when we started to rebuild the wall between us, instead of building walls for a house that we were to build together.

Why did it happen like this? Eventually we both realized that we were on the wrong track. There was only room for the negative, more and more room for the negative thoughts. We built a wall between us with all kinds of complaints and whining.

Why did it happen that way, and why did I not stop it?

Him and me — two grown people, a couple. We had chosen each other. We had been in love, we had played and loved — two people who had been together over the years. We had worked together in a team, we had built up a home, had children, raised children and started to live out some of those secret dreams.

Him and me — together for many years, and there were times when we had said to each other: “We will take care of our love.”

But time set its marks on body, on soul and mind.

Little by little to begin with, almost without noticing it was coming, it started: complaints, criticism, accusations, verbal attacks, yelling, contempt, questions, and counter-question, more criticism, accusing, silence. Then contempt again, and curses, shouting, criticism, ironical laughter, accusations, silence.

Then it was quiet for a few days, then it started again, complaints, criticism, accusations, contempt, charges, irritation-. New silence, then the same over again, contempt, criticism, more criticism, contempt — and finally silence.

And it had no end. It never ended; it always came back. There was always more, it was there, there was no way out, endless repetitions:

«I am always…»

«I am never…»

«Always, always I am…»

«Never, never you are…»

I ended up hearing these voices inside me, from the optimistic, positive, to what was merely negative and hopeless:

“We’ll make our love last forever.”

“You are my one and only.”

“I love, love you, I love you no longer.”

And together we built our wall. I knew it inside me. Against all common sense, without being aware of it, without noticing the solid wall that grew more and more insurmountable between him and me.

The problem is, he does not see me. He doesn’t see me, my husband, he doesn’t see me the way I want to be seen. He sees me no longer.

For him, I have become, a part of the fixed inventory, a piece of furniture that sometimes comes in his way, because I stand in his way.

I’m in the way, every day he demonstrates it, every day he says it with words and in action. He feels that way and then he says it clearly, so I know it.

Because that’s how he is, my husband. Straight, direct speech. And he annoys me, so boundless!

But then he is away for a few days, and I feel little bumps from doubts, I might think, I have been unreasonable to him. I may have been too impatient

I’ve overlooked something, am I doing him wrong? Do I make him worse than he really is?

Last night, when I couldn’t sleep, I had all these thoughts running through my head. It’s a little stressful, but it also makes me sometimes confident. I analyse and put things in order. Like when I thought of him and me, my husband, the man I had chosen. In my feelings and in my mind, I now say ”goodbye!” to him.

And I had a smile on my face when I was thinking:

“You never say goodbye to the one you love. That’s how it is. But it certainly happens that you say goodbye to someone you loved.”

In my dream, I stand in the kitchen. Lars is there in front of me and I say goodbye to him.

“Goodbye Lars, I thought I loved you. But I don’t love you anymore.”

The story that the novel tells takes place in a small industrial town at the end of a fjord in western Norway. The story being told and the characters are fictional.

The photos included in the chapters are taken on location in Odda and in the Odda Smelter (Odda Smelteverk, 1906–2003), the carbide factory that is part of the story.

The Love We Had

Part 1 The Longest Night -chapters 1–3, told by Lars. Part 2 The Light Inside -chapters 4–17, told by Aslak. Part 3 Save Our Secret Love -chapters 18 — XX, told by Eira.

For quick access to all chapters, go here.

Previous chapter: Chapter 32 Dare to Say These Little Words

Next: Chapter 34 Stand Up for Myself and My Dreams

Øivind H. Solheim writes fiction, essays and articles aiming to help others understanding life, other humans and themselves. He has published five novels, two non-fiction books and a poetry book.

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