The Difficult Truth: You Can’t Change People

You can’t change people no matter how much you want it or how hard you try.

As a self-diagnosed highly sensitive person (HSP), I’ve always struggled with staying calm when experiencing heightened emotions. A HSP is one that experiences heightened emotional, physical, and/or mental responses to external or internal stimuli due to an increased sensitivity of the central nervous system.

Something that has often offset my emotions is when important people in my life have certain ideas or traits that I simply can’t get behind.

Case in Point Number 1: an Ex Who Invalidated My Feelings

I dated this guy for a while and his favorite response to my emotions was, “calm down.” In fact, he very rarely expressed emotion himself. I knew this was unhealthy. And, I knew how bad it made me feel to hear “calm down” anytime I expressed an emotion. And, god forbid I ever reacted to an emotion.

During the course of our relationship, I would often remind myself you can’t change people. But, I stuck around anyway even though I despised hearing those words so often and I knew deep down it would never change (because he also loved to tell me that he was who he was and had no intention of changing).

It’s not that I stayed in the relationship because I thought I could change him or because I was okay with it. I stayed because there were many good aspects to our relationship and I knew everyone was flawed. I was also aware that people do, in fact, change when they want to. I thought if we stayed together and every other part of our relationship was good and healthy, he’d want to change in this one way because it hurt our happy relationship and it hurt me.

Spoiler alert: that never happened.

Case in Point Number 2: a Relative Who Says Racism No Longer Exists

Over the past few weeks, I’ve had several heated discussions with a family member who says racism no longer exists and that he is not racist. Did you just raise your eyebrows at those two conflicting statements? I get it because same.

While I’ve gotten a little nasty with my tone and words more times than I wish I had of, I’ve also tried to tone it down and attempt to educate gently and kindly. I don’t believe that someone (especially an ignorant person) will ever be open to learning when they feel offended by the educator.

I’ve given specific examples of racism that I’ve witnessed, including my time as a teacher in the public school system and I’ve attempted to send him appropriate resources to help him see a different perspective and learn from people who know what they’re talking about. None of it has worked. The only thing it’s successfully done is cause conflict in my family.

This goes back to my point: while people can choose to change, you can’t change people.

You Can’t Change People, They Must Change Themselves

No matter how many times I encounter these situations, I often forget that when people have terrible opinions and habits that it doesn’t matter what I say or do to show them why these things are so awful. I do not have the ability to get inside their head and heart and change them. It is physically impossible in every way, shape, and form.

People don’t always have immoral opinions or habits because they are out to get others. Sometimes this is why, or they’re just stubborn, and they aren’t worth your efforts anyway. However, a lot of times people are the way they are because of something deeper.

I look back on some of these situations and I strongly believe that there have been people who I thought damn, why can’t they just be better that actually had a mental illness or a life story that completely messed them up or they were facing a very difficult time. Sometimes there’s no excuse for these people, other than that they just suck. Any way you look at it, the bottom line is that you can’t change people.

What To Do When A Loved One is Adamant

When we love people, it’s harder. We want them to be the best person they can be. We want them to treat us as we deserve to be treated. We want them to be good people so that we can keep them in our life. But, remember, you can’t change people.

We can present our loved ones with facts. We can tell them how we feel. That’s it. We’ve told them what we think and how we feel, but what they do with that information is their choice. Sure, it upsets us when they don’t take our information and change.

All that’s left to do now is shift our focus from them to ourselves. From here, we can recognize what is happening within ourselves because of this. How do I feel? Why do I feel this way? Why am I so passionate about this? Unpacking these things and providing ourselves with some compassion can go a long way. Sometimes taking a situation from another person and putting it on ourselves is not to shift the blame or to be complacent, but it’s the best way to free ourselves like a bird peacefully flying through the blue sky.

“If you can’t do anything about it, let it go. Do not be a prisoner to things you can’t change.”

Do what you have to do and take charge of your own happiness. For more ideas…