Don’t Tell Me to Calm Down

Summary

The article discusses the ineffectiveness of being told to "calm down" when expressing emotions and the author's personal journey to manage their feelings independently.

Abstract

The author reflects on their past relationship where their partner frequently responded to emotional expressions with the phrase "calm down," which was unsuccessful in achieving its intended effect. Regardless of the nature of the emotions, whether they were positive or negative, the partner's response remained the same and dismissive. The author emphasizes the normality of experiencing a range of emotions and shares their own methods for dealing with feelings, such as journaling, engaging in enjoyable activities, and taking deep breaths. The article suggests that self-guided emotional regulation is more effective than being instructed to calm down by someone else.

Opinions

The author believes that telling someone to "calm down" is an ineffective method of helping them to actually calm down.
Emotions, both positive and negative, are presented as normal and natural human experiences that should be acknowledged and felt.
The author's ex-boyfriend's consistent use of "calm down" is seen as a form of emotional dismissal or invalidation.
The article suggests that personal methods of managing emotions, such as journaling and engaging in pleasurable activities, are more successful than external commands to calm down.
The author implies that their ex-boyfriend may have struggled with emotional expression or recognition, as indicated by his perpetual calmness and the use of the past tense when discussing him.

Please Don’t Tell Me to Calm Down

When in the land of “calm down” did this ever actually work?

My ex-boyfriend used to always tell me to “calm down.” What’s funny is it never worked.

Never in the history of calm down has anyone calmed down by being told to calm down.

Me: Why do you give me the silent treatment for 24+ hours when we have a small tiff? I’m upset. Him: Calm down.

Me: All my students were hellions today. I felt like I got no teaching done. I’m so frustrated and tired. Him: Calm down.

Me: I had to work 60 hours this week to get the bills paid. I’m exhausted. Him: Calm down.

Me: YES! It’s the weekend, I get to sleep in. I’m thrilled. Him: Calm down.

Before he existed I always thought feelings were normal. Because aren’t they? No? Oh.

See, to me, I don’t always have to be calm.

Sometimes I’m ecstatic. Sometimes I’m bummed. Sometimes I’m pissed. Sometimes I’m frustrated.

So what?

He, however, was always calm. I wondered if he had feelings. That’s kinda why I’m speaking in the past tense.

Now I know I can have my true feelings. I let them be for some time. If I’m hyped up for too long, I calm down. But, I do it on my own. I take a few deep breaths. I jot down the feelings in my journal, let them exist. I force myself to smile. I do something I enjoy. This is a trillion times more successful than hearing “calm down.”

I have mixed drinks about feelings.