The core disagreements every couple deals with
Every relationship has its ups and downs, but there are a few common conflicts that we all encounter.
by: E.B. Johnson
If you’ve ever been in a romantic relationship, then you know that disagreements and fights are inevitable. It’s impossible to get along with someone you share so much with 100% of the time. The real trick is how you resolve these issues when they arise — a skill that’s more of an artform than anything else.
Whether the spats you have with a spouse or partner are big or small, they can cause some real problems when they aren’t addressed properly. By learning how to deal with these conflicts constructively when they arise, you can ensure romantic happiness for years and years to come.
The new state of relationships.
The age of the modern relationship is upon us, and it looks nothing like the romance of our parents and our grandparents. Marriage rates are at an all-time low, and more people are choosing to cohabitate — rather than invest in the ways of their foremothers (and fathers). Things are a bit more complex, and that includes when times are good and when times are tough.
Our romantic relationships are complex and dynamic. We fall in love quickly and we can fall out of love just as quickly. When we love, we love deeply and that can often lead to even further complexities when it comes to handling the inevitable conflicts that arise.
Part of forming happy and lasting relationships is learning how to confront issues in those relationships as they happen, something that takes both time and understanding to carefully manage. Conflict is a natural part of any partnership, but handling it can feel anything but natural. By learning more about this conflict and where it comes from, however, we can unlock a deep and lasting happiness and fulfillment that gives our relationships new meaning.
The reasons for conflict.
Though the TV might paint a pretty picture of relationships, they’re often fraught with conflict that can be hard to navigate unless you keep a focused and level head. Every relationship undergoes trials at some point, and they generally center around a few categories: our emotions, control, intimacy, our future plans and the way we either show up (or fail to show up) for the other person.
Unresolved emotions.
As time goes on, our emotions can take little hits within our relationships that add up to resentment or conflict. When feelings get hurt and then don’t get addressed, they can cause irritation and aggravation that bursts or erupts at inconvenient or unrelated times. In order to prevent these emotional explosions within our relationships, it’s important to address issues of the heart when and where they arise.
Control and dominance
Control and dominance issues occur most often where there is a shift of power within the relationship that affects one party negatively. This can occur when one partner physically, mentally or emotionally abuses the other, or undermines their self-esteem through subtle and manipulative behaviors that tear them down over time. Happy and fulfilled relationships require a balance, but that takes conscious effort from every couple, every day.
Inadequate affection
At the start of a relationship, things are exciting and new, and that makes it both more fun and more acceptable to lean into affection. Over time, however, as we get to learn more about our partners those feelings of affection can frow a little cooler, leading to one partner showing more care than the other. Depending on the attachment styles of the parties involved, this can lead to major conflict and a total breakdown of trust and security.
Mismatched future plans
Growing up, we’re often told that good partners are those who are similar to us — but that isn’t necessarily true. For truly happy and fulfilled partnerships, it’s imperative that we search not so much for those who are like us as those who have the same long-term plans as us. One of the biggest reasons so many couples find themselves struggling with conflict is their permanent incompatibility and a mismatch of ultimate life-goals or direction.
Infidelity and jealousies
Infidelity and insecurities are a major issue that many couples deal with. No matter how long you’ve been with someone, and no matter how happy a relationship is, the insecurities and fears we carry have a way of manifesting as infidelity and jealousy in our partnerships. The things that happen in our childhoods and our past relationships inform the decisions we make in current ones, and when the issues there are not resolved it can lead to a tempting tight-rope walk with transgression.
Responsibilities and chores
Building a life together often means building a home and a family together, and with that comes an array of responsibilities and chores that have to be shared equally. When one partner finds themselves carrying more of the load in this respect, it can lead to feelings of resentment and even lashing out. Truly happy partners are partners who share the responsibilities of day-to-day life, whether that’s taking the kids to school or taking out the trash on Tuesday.
Failing to show up
Failing to show up for our partners — whether that’s physically or emotionally — leads to a number of disasterous consequences of our happiness. When we’re not there for the other person we’re committed to, it leads to conflict and a loss of trust and understanding. Misunderstandings increase as happiness and satisfaction decrease, and before you know it you’re standing in front of someone you know you can’t trust, let alone get along with.
How to deal with conflict in our relationships.
There are a number of ways we can learn to be better communicators when it comes to relationship conflict. Whether we’ve found ourselves dissappointed in our partner’s behavior, or we’re dealing with our own internal chaos that’s manifesting in a number of disruptive ways; we can become better partners by incorporating some basic strategies into our lives no matter where they’re at. It just takes some radical honesty and a lot of commitment.
1. Start with honesty, always
Being open and honest about our feelings is hard, especially when those feelings are uncomfortable or negative in nature. It’s hard for people to just come out and say what they think, but it’s a necessary part of any healthy relationship. The only way to truly resolve conflict is to address it. Take the time, take the space and open up the air between you and your partner.
Find a time and a place where you both can open up safely and securely. Don’t pick a time when you have a million things going on, and try not to plan the conversation at a time when you emotions are running at an all time high. Deep conversations (when it comes to relationships) are all about growth and creating space. Say what you need to say, but make sure your partner can also be comfortable enough to say what they need to say as well.
Expressing ourselves indirectly, or burying our hurts deep below the surface, is not constructive and it only gives our partners an unclear idea of how to respond. If your spouse or other-half has hurt you or upset you, tell them so, and tell them exactly how it’s made you feel in no uncertain terms. Let them know what you need moving forward in order to feel as though you’re in a supportive, fulfilled and loving partnership. Always give them space to do the same, however, and find a place where you can come together in the middle.
2. Drop all the blaming and shaming
It’s one thing to tell our partner how we feel, it’s another to dive into an all-out blame festival. If we’re truly looking to leave the conflict behind, we have to learn how to discuss our disagreements without blaming one another. Drop the blame game and speak clearly, from the heart and with the knowledge that we’re all just doing the best that we can.
Speak only from your perspective and drop any presumptive statements that might otherwise assume you know where your partner is coming from. As humans, we often struggle with perspective and struggle to see things from any other viewpoint but our own. Focus on phrases like, “I feel,” followed by solid facts that cannot be argued.
Making statements that directly assault your partner’s character are damaging to a relationship and counter-productive to finding solutions. Let them know, instead, how their behaviors made you feel and focus on descriptions rather than the specific behaviors your partner engaged in. Flip the complaints and turn them into requests, and try to describe things in a compassionate way that allows your partner to relate and better see things on your level.
3. Pick your battles wisely
Constructive discussion is all about choosing your battles wisely. Stick to one issue at a time and stop dragging multiple topics into one discussion. Unhappy couples are the ones that insist on bringing the kitchen sink into every argument. Don’t be one of those couples.
When you’re feeling things bubbling below the surface, take a step back and assess where you’re truly at before approaching your partner. Count to 10, or take a 24-hour cooling period to think about how you’re actually feeling and how serious those emotions actually are. Is this issue something you’re ready to wage war for? Or is it something that could take a casual mention after dinner? Get real about how you’re feeling before approaching your other half.
If something critical has happened, make sure to address it quickly, but at a time that’s convenient for both parties. Don’t launch yourself at your spouse over family dinner, and don’t wait for a time in the calendar when tensions are running at an all time high (unless it’s absolutely unavoidable). Often, when we take a step back and look at the thing our partner has done to anger us, we see that it’s not a matter that has to be dealt with immediately. Wait until the right moment to address what’s wrong, and you’ll have a better chance of getting the resolution right.
4. Get a different perspective
When it comes to resolving disagreements, you can’t just listen to your partner, you have to really try and understand where they’re coming from. As humans, it can be tricky to step outside of our egos enough to see things from another person’s point of view. It’s absolutely key, however, in growing into the person we want to be and cultivating the compassion and understanding that’s required to truly thrive (whether as a singleton or a couple).
Research has actually shown that taking a more objective perspective is helpful when it comes to resolving romantic disagreements. In one study, researchers staged a simple marital quality intervention and asked partners to write about a specific disagreement they had with their partners. In this description, they were asked to take the perspective of a neutral third party as they described the event.
The couples that engaged in this writing exercise three times a year were shown to maintain more stable levels of marital satisfaction than those who did not. This is because the act of shifting their perspective (through writing exercises) actually helped to lower their emotional distress and allowed them to better connect with and understand where their partner was coming from. Shifting our perspectives is such an important skill, and it’s one that has transformative properties not only for our relationships but our public lives as well.
5. Listen mindfully
There’s nothing more frustrating than feeling as though your partner is not listening to you. Really, when it comes down to arguments with our other halves, all we really want is for them to understand where we’re coming from and see things from our point of view. We want empathy, but we have to give it to get it. If you find yourself in the middle of a disagreement with a partner, don’t check out; listen to them mindfully, openly and willingly in order to drop the fighting.
Show your partner that you’re paying attention by using active listening techniques. When they speak, paraphrase what they’ve said back to them and offer up solutions or observations when they invite you to do so.
You can also do a perception check by making sure that you’re getting everything they’re saying correct. Ask them questions that clarify the points they’re making and make sure that you understand the array of emotions they might be showing. These strategies not only help you prevent misunderstandings — they show the other person that you actually care.
6. Firm-up your boundary lines
Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and that respect starts with limitations and boundaries. Our boundaries are a direct show of our self-worth, and setting them takes resolves and courage. These personal “lay-lines” protect us and give us the space we need to cultivate our own security and power. They’re important, but we have to be strong to maintain them and we have to commit to keeping them up — even when it comes to our partners.
Avoid conflicts that push you both to the brink by setting your boundaries clearly and early on in the relationship. Make it safe for your partner to set boundaries as well and make sure they’re respected at all times (especially in the heat of an argument or disagreement).
These boundaries should cover everything from how much time you want to spend together to your personal space. Boundaries, too, should cover what you need when it comes to intimacy and what you need when it comes to the physical and emotional natures of your partnership. Don’t shy away from what you need, and don’t shy away from sharing it with your partner. Drop the guilt and understand that not only do we all have a right to protect our own wellbeing, we also need it in order to be the best possible version of ourselves. Boundaries aren’t just a gift to self. They’re a gift to our partners too.
7. Don’t over-explain
When you’re getting your issues out on the table, don’t dump your entire purse at once. Instead, put your explanations in the simplest of terms and give your partner a chance to respond. Don’t let things smolder or force your partner to guess, honesty is the best policy so just get your truth out there in it’s purest and rawest form.
Speak clearly and earnestly, sharing things from your perspective while focusing on language that is both compassionate and relatable. Listen and respond to their questions when they arise, and try to keep their point of view in mind while you do (without giving it power). Don’t talk down, but also don’t self-limit. While you might need to keep things simple, you also need to keep them honest and from the heart.
If the issue you’re addressing is complex, try to break it down with analogies and give your partner a chance and space to respond. Focus on the benefits of what you’re saying and ask your own questions occasionally if you need to check their understanding. The real heart of every conflict is misunderstanding or disappointed expectations. Avoid both by being clear and concise when you speak, as well as honest, open and vulnerable.
8. Don’t show contempt
The worst thing you can do in the heat of an argument with your partner is show contempt for them. This happens when we make little remarks that belittle our partner or hit them below the belt. It’s a nasty way to settle things and a sure-fire way to make things worse. Responding to bad behavior with more bad behavior will only compound issues and make them worse.
When we respond to spite with spite, we end up with a nasty quagmire that can take down our personal and professional lives with them. Rather than letting the nastiness ramp up, keep it to a minimum and always try to respond to negativity with positivity. Avoid the sarcasm and name-calling and opt for a more adult confrontation instead. While it might feel good (and you might feel justified) going in for a no-holes-barred, winner-takes-all knockout battle, you’re only causing yourself more headache.
The most important thing is to see your partners hurt and have yours seen in return. That’s not possible if you’re both hiding behind nasty words and a dinged up sense of pride that’s more important than your relationship. Drop your ego and embrace the heart of resolution. Let go of the anger. When bad behavior is the root of a relationship issue, it can be hard to take the high road, but you have to keep the negativity from taking control if you want to make things last.
9. Know when it’s time to take a break
Not all conflicts can be solved in one sitting. Sometimes, it’s necessary for us to take a breath and take a step back, taking the time we need to gather our thoughts and compose ourselves.
If you and someone you love have found yourselves in a really nasty argument, don’t be afraid to hit pause and come back to things when you’re both more emotionally stable and ready to communicate.
Walking away, even if only for a few minutes, is not only great for cooling off the anger, rage, or sadness we might be feeling — it’s also great for gaining a bit of a different perspective on things, and great for reassessing what we really want. If you’re at the breaking point, take 5, and come back when you’re both ready to speak like adults.
Putting it all together…
Relationships are hard, and they’re made even harder when we find ourselves fighting with the person we’re supposed to love most. Couple fight for a number of reasons, and they range from infidelities and disappointed expectations to an inadequate display of affection or a mismatch set of future plans. Getting to the root of our conflict takes some getting real, but resolving it takes some serious commitment each and every day. If you’ve found yourself blowing up at someone you’re supposed to love, incorporate better techniques to resolve this conflict so you can build a better future.
Get really and truly honest about what you’re feeling, making sure to stay true to the nitty-gritty points that might make you squirm. Conflict comes from misunderstanding and disappointed expectations. Learn how to communicate honestly and lose the blaming, shaming and below-the-belt hits. Keep it focused and positive and try to see things from your partner’s perspective. Pick your battles wisely, and practice mindful listening when you do. Building a life together is never simple, but our explanations and communication can be. Open up and minimize your conflict by engaging in some boundary-setting while dropping any contempt you might feel for your partner or your spouse. Conflict doesn’t have to be a knock-down-drag-out. It can be an action of mutual love and growth when we know how to approach it like the loving and compassionate being that we are at our core. Get real about what you want and learn how to open up to your partner the right way.
