The Case About Kindness and Realness
Can kindness get on the way of being your authentic self?
At early age I internalised that being kind to others is being kind to myself. Understanding partly fuelled by my Christian upbringing:
“Treat others the same way you would like to be treated”
— Mathew 7:12
Nevertheless the past years I tended to be more kind to others than I was to myself. The awareness of that led me to realise that the imbalance created was getting unhealthy. A true wake up call!
Why more kind to others than to oneself?
This is not a scoop: we humans (especially women) naturally tend to care more for others than we do for ourselves. How come? There are many psychological explanations to this reality which could be a full article on its own. Bellow I will focus on exploring my evolving understanding from personal life experiences.
In addition to that shared human reality, my tendency to be kinder to others than to my own self was mostly motivated by my need to please. And that even deeper rooted in the thirst for acceptance and belonging. Thank God and life experiences, I came to deeply understand that the only acceptance required of me is the acceptance of my whole self in my imperfect human being condition. And that I already belonged somewhere: in the kingdom of the Almighty.
Kindness as a way not to hurt other people’s feelings?
The case about not wanting to express ones own preferences and feelings by the fear of eventually hurting others is that it’s all in ones own mind. It is a limiting belief — “theory of mind”. You don’t know how the other person will actually react. Maybe they will be happy that you are being your true self to them. It may save time to both of you by clearing things out. Maybe they have enough maturity not to take it personally. Maybe they need to hear that. Who knows? What’s highly probable is that there are many possible scenarios that can happen by truthfully expressing your own feelings than just the one of eventually “hurting” the other.
When you choose to suppress your own preferences/emotions in order to please those of the person/s you care about: it backfires painfully! Not expressing your needs (sometimes because you don’t know what or how) or preferences will be harmful to yourself on the long term (I learnt this the hard way). How can that make sense for one’s own sanity? It doesn’t. Additionally that leads one not be their fuller self based on illusionary fearful emotions.
What about just being YOU?
I discovered that one doesn’t have to choose between kind or mean.
I discovered that life isn’t only in binary realities. It is in as many shades as one’s imagination can create.
I discovered that I could be me unapologetically, do me, and say mine: an immensely empowering and liberating breakthrough.
How did I get to that realisation ?
Life experiences, family, books, friends, and everyone that crossed my path have contributed in me getting to this current understanding. I am grateful to life and to all of them.
Prayers and meditation have also been my inner driving forces. It is through silence and slowing down that all the answers came out to me. It is when I allowed my inner self to take the driver seat that I gained back my inner/outer balance. A blissful experience that I wish to each of you all human beings out there.
This is what worked on me, it is customisable to one’s unique personality and life season one is currently crossing.
In conclusion I believe one can genuinely be kind and real. The key is to understand: what are the intentions behind my kindness? Making sure the intentions are inherent to oneself and not dependable on any other external outcome. Otherwise the source of kindness is founded on fleeting elements/motivations that could get on the way of authenticity.
What also matters in the kindness world is to learn how to balance equitably the kindness towards others and the kindness towards oneself. This is a sustainable way I visualise in order to guarantee growing and long lasting seeds of kindness spread in the world. You pull nothing valuable from an empty jar: fill the jar first and pull genuinely from a place of abundance (inspired by the one and only Oprah Winfrey)
“Quand tu es bon une fois, tu es bon et c’est bon. Quand tu es bon deux fois, tu deviens bonbon et on te suce” — Saidou Abatcha
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“When you are good once, you are good and that’s enough. When you are good twice (bon-bon), you become a candy and people suck you” — Saidou Abatcha
Until next time take care of yourself and your loved ones. I wish you a blissful life.
Where can Annick be virtually found outside of Medium?
