#26 — DISAPPEARANCES AND MISSING PERSONS

The BichoDoMato Enigma

A Victor Investigates Special

It was early spring in the Big City, but it felt more like a never-ending winter. Torrents of rain belted down in alternated cascading sheets down against my drafty, single-paned office windows. It had been weeks since I had a case. I was feeling bored and anxious about the close of tax season.

Then, Ann burst through my office door like the Kool-Aid Man accidentally burst through those anthropology students in the fall of 1992. The authorities couldn’t collect any viable DNA evidence as copious amounts of Tropical Punch had contaminated the scene.

Ann was breathlessly babbling something in pidgin English. Specifically, it was Scottish and Spanish. She wouldn’t be the first woman to become breathless in my presence.

Her statements made as much sense as the guttural grunts of gibberish by a naked Floridian high on bath salts — a nude Floridian who is working on their marathon PR on I-75 during rush hour traffic. Their runner’s high is egged on by their good friend Mr. Police Helicopter. Some people just want to get home to watch “The Bachelor” and pet their dog. Next time be considerate. Wear a banana hammock and run on the beach.

Her arms were flapping wildly like a baby bird learning to fly. She uttered only three intelligible words. “BichoDoMato”, “missing”, and “Portuguese”.

Then she handed me a scrap of paper that said this:

The Facts

I had heard of this Bicho character before. Bicho had a limited move set — like the king in a game of chess. The king is only able to move vertically, horizontally, or diagonally in one space per turn. Bicho’s move set was limited and brief, but made people smile and laugh.

Bicho always had to be upside down and brief. In his profile picture, he was upside down in briefs. He represented a uniquely humorous visual pun: layered and girthful. I dared not use my trusty magnifying lens because it was oh-so-in-your-face already.

In his expressive art, had he perhaps limited himself? Did he want to be a bishop instead of a king? I hear there are a lot of openings for that role these days.

I checked the BichoDoMato tag. It certainly didn’t have as much play as the various Smillew tags.

The profile was deleted. I sifted through the remnants looking for clues to his disappearance, but found nothing. A scrap of paper handed over by a literal Looney Tune and a couple of undeleted pieces mentioning Bicho weren’t enough to go on.

Case Conclusion

I didn’t do much of anything or get anywhere with the investigation. Then Bicho reportedly resurfaced.

Well, it’s plain this was an April Fool’s Day prank. The prank was supposedly a big reveal on April 1st. Or was the prank coming back? I guess Bicho is like that Adobe Acrobat shortcut on your desktop — he always comes back.

This unveiling reminded me of Palpatine somehow still being alive in “Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker”. The anticlimactic reveal made no sense. Anyway, somehow Bicho returned. Let’s just hope there is an açaí-munching, jiu-jitsu playing Dave Filoni type who can sort this messy plot out.

At least Bicho can make us laugh and smile — a stark contrast to grumpy ol’ Sheev Palpatine. And hey, look at that! The rain finally let up.

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