OFFICE SOCIALIZATION AND FRATERNIZATION
My ‘Hall Pass’ List
Keep friends close, exemptions closer
Cubicles. They’re not bathrooms, beings of England. If you wanted them to be called that, you should have won that war in 1812. Or maybe you should have come up with a few more cultural exports as good as “Black Adder” or “Detectorists” so you could find an alternate way to dominate the common lexicon. Did I go on a tangent in the second sentence ? Odd, that usually doesn’t happen.
Anyway, cubicles. Those dusty, boring pits of gray and mauve with the occasional accent wall and copious carpet squares can be a real drag. You know what isn’t a drag? My hall pass list. Let’s get salacious.
The list
- My first hall pass is Jan from accounts payable. She’s 64 and loves Carnival Cruises. She is so funny! Sometimes she likes to have froyo twice in one day on cruises, and she calls it her “super cheat day”. Every once in a while she’ll make her rum cake for the entire office and tells everyone she got “white girl wasted while making it”. She’s a teetotaler and hasn’t imbibed any alcohol since 1996. She just loves to make everyone in the office smile. Adorbs and hilars.
- My second hall pass is Patricia or “Patty” for short. Speaking of short, she’s a smol lil thing clocking in at 4'2". I’m 4'2.25" for comparison. She’s pretty cute when she gets all red in the face when I turn in my typo-ridden reports late or when I call in ‘sick’ on alternating Mondays each month. She pays attention to how I to do things because she regularly brings up my “pattern of disrespect”. She’s written me up a couple of times in the past few years. It makes my heart flutter every time I get a sealed note from her about wasting company time. When it comes to Patty, she can send me a plan of corrective action any time.
- My third hall pass is Lorena. Lorena is sooooo smart and interesting. She works in IT. She always lets out a breathy “again?” and seductively rolls her eyes every time I forget my password (three times this week) or need her assistance to recall an inappropriate email I sent to the entire company, most recently about going out to watch “Cocaine Bear”. I usually greet her with, “Hey, Bwig Bwain”. Cutesy talk. She doesn’t come to my cubicle to assist me anymore and keeps our contacts strictly via email and Quick Assist. She must like me too — her words are terse, and she avoids eye contact with me.
Um, Hall Passes aren’t who you pass in the hall!
A Hall Pass isn’t a list composed of who you pass in the hall? That can’t be.
Hall Passes have to be famous!
You’re so whiny, aren’t you? I already mentioned Jan is famous for her rum cake. Patty has had a “Dancing with the Stars” premiere and finale watch party in her home for seven years now. I’ve never been invited, but I heard the miniature scoring paddles in the cupcakes are renowned! That’s fame.
Those aren’t examples of famous people!
Okay, fine. Actually, Jan has appeared on TV. In 1996, she was an audience member on “The Price is Right”. They cut to her just before the third commercial break, and you can see two-thirds of her oversized “I’m with Herb on the Price is Right” t-shirt. She even lent me the VHS. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I haven’t had a VHS player for 20 years now. Any more blistering brainbusters?
Are you even in a relationship? Do you know how this works?
No, I’m not in a relationship. How is that, in any way, a relevant question? My relationship status isn’t as important as my exploration of the liberative sensation of ethical non-monogomy and its various terms and conditions. I’m not willing to give the idea of a hall pass a pass at this juncture. Perhaps I just like to have my rum cake and eat it too.
The author has never had a relationship, romantic or otherwise. Even the postal delivery person places the mail at the end of the driveway rather than risk getting too close to his home. Rats, raccoons, and other sentient creatures avoid his yard. Side effects of conversation with him may include nausea, dizziness, headache, and fatigue.
Victor is Netflix now.