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Abstract

is perfectly balanced between you and rich, well-heeled corporate interests. Source: <a href="https://www.irs.gov/irm/part1/irm_01-017-007">irs.gov</a></figcaption></figure>You might find yourself getting frustrated and angry. ‘Didn’t we throw a bunch of tea into Boston Harbor in 1773 over this taxation without representation bullshit? I can’t get a damn pothole fixed on my street! Fuck me, right?’ Tea was indeed dumped into Boston Harbor by the Sons of Liberty in 1773 —and the harbor probably still tastes delicious. Take some deep breaths, potty mouth. What you should be touching are some tax preparation documents.Pro Tip: Wear additional garments of clothing around the house, so you don’t get tempted to, you know, while searching for that 1099-MISC you absentmindedly threw into a shoebox months ago. A centralized storage location for all tax-related documents is a time saver.Once your anger subsides, you might find yourself feeling that it’s unfair you have to file taxes in the first place.<h2 id="49fb">Bargaining</h2><figure id="7c6f"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*5fvMbq_vLcYz1k6DRipAdQ.jpeg"><figcaption>“The Dictator” mortar at St. Petersburg kept at it a little too long and needs a break. Public Domain: <a href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=16897347">Wikimedia Commons</a></figcaption></figure>You may start to feel some guilt and shame about not getting after it. No, not that you perv. You begin envying wealthy people like Warren Buffett or Bill Gates, who assuredly have someone else do their taxes. Remember: your return doesn’t have to be perfect. <a href="https://www.irs.gov/filing/amended-return-frequently-asked-questions">You can file a 1040-X⁵ within 3 years</a>.Pr0n Tip: Take a break from adult content for a few hours. Lana Rhoades and Johnny Sins will forgive you for refocusing.Bargaining doesn’t work, and it can make you even sadder as the filing deadline approaches. Make sure you come to the table with something in hand — if you’re picking up what I’m putting down.<h2 id="6e95">Depression</h2>Don’t let your bad habits get out of hand — or in this case, in hand. Having appropriate measures in place to stay focused are key to keeping your endorphins balanced.Myth Busting Tip: Exce

Options

ssive masturbation won’t make you go blind. I’ve freed up additional cognitive bandwidth that you can use to complete your taxes.Don’t get weighed down by feeling overwhelmed. The best time to start a return was the opening of tax season. The second-best time is today. Stroke your ego — now you’re on your way to acceptance.<h2 id="b0ab">Acceptance</h2>As much as you try, You can’t control FAIT. Do your taxes instead of excessively taxing yourself. There will be plenty of time to wrestle with the plot once your electronic filing has been accepted by the IRS.Pro Tip: If you are a freelancer, contractor, or otherwise self-employed make sure you look to self-employment tax deductions for your filing year. There are also variances based on LLC and C-Corp filing status.Masturbation is a healthy part of maintaining your mental and physical health. Additionally, filing your tax returns are part of a healthy economic life. Don’t let that downstairs DJ ruin their perfect set by playing for way too long. You may use my profile picture if you need aid.Reading about and reinforcing your knowledge of the US tax system in a creative way is an example of maintaining a growth mindset. Mindset is key when realistically allocating your most important investment — time within your finite lifespan.Need more help? Check out the IRS’ <a href="https://www.irs.gov/help/ita">Interactive Tax Assistant</a>.¹I made this up for the FAIT/ fate pun. ²A W-9 serves as a request for a taxpayer identification number and certification. It’s used to create a 1099-MISC ³A 1099-MISC contains miscellaneous income paid during the year. ⁴AGI, or adjusted gross income, is gross income minus adjustments ⁵A 1040-X is an amended return. You have 3 years to file an amendment.Victor Cardenas is neither a tax professional nor a mental health specialist who specializes in human sexuality. Still, there’s something about him…More masturbatory works by Victor: <a href="https://readmedium.com/my-hall-pass-list-1de50d4ea6c6">My ‘Hall Pass’ List</a> <a href="https://readmedium.com/counterpoints-follow-for-follow-42a44aa87bb5">Counterpoints: Follow For Follow</a> <a href="https://readmedium.com/copulation-meets-aviation-3f7d12a4def">Copulation Meets Aviation</a></article></body>

THE TAXMAN COMETH

Americans: Masturbation Isn’t A Solution to Tax Season

Embrace a growth mindset and say no to hands-on glands — at least for a few hours.

Think about me before having a girls’ night in. No, wait. I meant regarding the correct tax preparation mindset! Photo by Deon Black

Denial

Federal annual income taxes (or FAIT¹) were initially introduced in 1861 as a temporary measure to fund the American Civil War. Like most taxes, their temporality would be short-lived. The Sixteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution was ratified in 1913 and allowed Congress the legal authority to tax all incomes. They needed to establish the staffing income necessary to one day destroy the rapper Afroman’s home.

Completing tax returns can be a stressful activity — especially if you have investments, dependents, own property, or were seriously pissed off at your ex during your divorce finalization last year. You may find yourself procrastinating, keeping busy constantly, or numbing yourself to the realities of tax season by touching yourself.

You believe there’s sufficient time to put your hands down your pants and do your taxes. What happened with those guitar lessons in 2014? What about that woodworking business you’ve been meaning to start for the last seven months? You’ve been strumming the wrong strings and working the wrong wood.

Tax Tip: W9² filers have no tax withholdings. Earners of more than $10 will receive a 1099-MISC³ from Medium. Taxes are inevitable.

You need to change your mindset from S-E-X to A-G-I⁴ because you can’t avoid reality for long. A growth mindset helps you find balance by identifying areas of imbalance and building efficiencies into your process.

Anger

As you can see from the logo, the scale is perfectly balanced between you and rich, well-heeled corporate interests. Source: irs.gov

You might find yourself getting frustrated and angry. ‘Didn’t we throw a bunch of tea into Boston Harbor in 1773 over this taxation without representation bullshit? I can’t get a damn pothole fixed on my street! Fuck me, right?’ Tea was indeed dumped into Boston Harbor by the Sons of Liberty in 1773 —and the harbor probably still tastes delicious. Take some deep breaths, potty mouth. What you should be touching are some tax preparation documents.

Pro Tip: Wear additional garments of clothing around the house, so you don’t get tempted to, you know, while searching for that 1099-MISC you absentmindedly threw into a shoebox months ago. A centralized storage location for all tax-related documents is a time saver.

Once your anger subsides, you might find yourself feeling that it’s unfair you have to file taxes in the first place.

Bargaining

“The Dictator” mortar at St. Petersburg kept at it a little too long and needs a break. Public Domain: Wikimedia Commons

You may start to feel some guilt and shame about not getting after it. No, not that you perv. You begin envying wealthy people like Warren Buffett or Bill Gates, who assuredly have someone else do their taxes. Remember: your return doesn’t have to be perfect. You can file a 1040-X⁵ within 3 years.

Pr0n Tip: Take a break from adult content for a few hours. Lana Rhoades and Johnny Sins will forgive you for refocusing.

Bargaining doesn’t work, and it can make you even sadder as the filing deadline approaches. Make sure you come to the table with something in hand — if you’re picking up what I’m putting down.

Depression

Don’t let your bad habits get out of hand — or in this case, in hand. Having appropriate measures in place to stay focused are key to keeping your endorphins balanced.

Myth Busting Tip: Excessive masturbation won’t make you go blind. I’ve freed up additional cognitive bandwidth that you can use to complete your taxes.

Don’t get weighed down by feeling overwhelmed. The best time to start a return was the opening of tax season. The second-best time is today. Stroke your ego — now you’re on your way to acceptance.

Acceptance

As much as you try, You can’t control FAIT. Do your taxes instead of excessively taxing yourself. There will be plenty of time to wrestle with the plot once your electronic filing has been accepted by the IRS.

Pro Tip: If you are a freelancer, contractor, or otherwise self-employed make sure you look to self-employment tax deductions for your filing year. There are also variances based on LLC and C-Corp filing status.

Masturbation is a healthy part of maintaining your mental and physical health. Additionally, filing your tax returns are part of a healthy economic life. Don’t let that downstairs DJ ruin their perfect set by playing for way too long. You may use my profile picture if you need aid.

Reading about and reinforcing your knowledge of the US tax system in a creative way is an example of maintaining a growth mindset. Mindset is key when realistically allocating your most important investment — time within your finite lifespan.

Need more help? Check out the IRS’ Interactive Tax Assistant.

¹I made this up for the FAIT/ fate pun. ²A W-9 serves as a request for a taxpayer identification number and certification. It’s used to create a 1099-MISC ³A 1099-MISC contains miscellaneous income paid during the year. ⁴AGI, or adjusted gross income, is gross income minus adjustments ⁵A 1040-X is an amended return. You have 3 years to file an amendment.

Victor Cardenas is neither a tax professional nor a mental health specialist who specializes in human sexuality. Still, there’s something about him…

More masturbatory works by Victor: My ‘Hall Pass’ List Counterpoints: Follow For Follow Copulation Meets Aviation