ANIMALS AND NATURE
Copulation Meets Aviation
The Mile High Club
An Avionics Primer
It was yet another craptastic Monday. On December 14, 1903, the first powered flight took place in Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Wilbur and Orville Wright of Dayton, Ohio successfully proved to the world that there was at least one verifiably good thing to come out of Ohio in the last 100+ years. Ohio has since slid into more than a century of regressive basement-level grunting for a college football team.
Powered air flight technology developed rapidly. On January 1, 1914, the world’s first scheduled passenger airline service took flight out of St Petersburg, Florida. The flight was a US dollar equivalent of $11,908.44 using 2022 inflation data.
You know the type of passenger. They’re the somewhat rich, bored, horny folks who attend password-protected sex mansion parties that require a costume and mask. The sex mansion is usually just outside of New York City. They are the type of folks that don’t own the sex mansion outright — instead they rent it out for the season when Saul and Francine overwinter in Florida.
Saul loves the Mai Tais and the flavorless macaroni and cheese they serve at the resort restaurant. Frannie loves the plastic leis that will sit in a landfill for half a millennium. That’s right, in just a little over 6 average human lifespans, the plastic will break down small enough to fit right in the lungs of our descendants!
Fun Fact: When it comes to passwords, length beats complexity. For example, if your password is “Fidelio”, try instead “Fidelioisasocialconstruct”. There, now you’re much more secure and will be able to sleep well next to your partner at night!
On one hand you have snowbirds, on the other you have the birds doing snow.
Little did Wilbur and Orville know that their spectacular scientific feat would be bastardized by the Mile High Club in later decades.
The Mile High Club, quite simply, is copulation meets aviation. There is no formal club or charter. There are no membership dues other than perhaps the dues some folks oblige their member.
This blight phenomenon is not unlike the plight of another famous Orville — Orville Redenbacher. Orville Redenbacher was a food scientist who developed a new strain of popcorn. Decades later Orville Redenbacher’s introduced ‘sweet and savory’ popcorn to its lineup. Leave it up to the crowd and their vile machinations to ruin something so pure and good as popcorn with butter and salt.
Why Though?
Who would want to have coitus in a cramped outhouse flying through the sky? Do you really want to jump your boo in there after Zoe just spent 17 minutes on the pot vacating a room temperature tuna fish sadwich (that’s no typo, we’re talking about airport food) 3 hours into a 13-hour flight? It’s disgusting.
Fun Fact: In the formula for lift, L=kV²Acl, the k does not stand for knocking knees, the V² does not stand for vulgarity, the A does not stand for amorous, and the cl does not stand for cleavage.
Check yourself: would you want to join the Slightly Below Sea Level Club in a port-o-potty just before a well-attended marathon? If the answer is yes, you may want to additionally try a turn at the stables during the state fair after a busy weekend.
There is nothing like making whoopee in the dung-filled pen of Sallie, the two time winner of the Breeding Beef Cattle gold medal at the state fair. Perhaps you can treat yourself to some funnel cake after you tunnel cake. I’m personally a fan of the cinnamon sugar topping, but I’ll settle for powdered sugar.
Maybe you and your partner will win the next exhibitor medal! The crowd might even applaud for you like in that Jason Statham movie. No, not that Jason Statham movie. The one with the threadbare plot, gratuitous fight scenes, and juvenile humor. I’m happy to report there’s not a lot of that here.
That’s Definitely Not Water Down There
The fact that the Mile High Club exists is a testament to the fact that we are just filthy monkey folk who are aimlessly spinning on a rough approximation of a sphere which is orbiting a constantly exploding ball of hydrogen gas. The factual absurdity of existence makes the Mile High Club a similarly absurd, and therefore obvious concept.
However, humans have grown out of our filthy monkey folk beginnings, and we have now advanced to the point where we make listicles on websites in the hopes that someone will buy us a coffee. This is just one indication of a truly advanced society.
The only way an airplane lavatories could be less ideal is if they had a sliding barn door a la HGTV.
Down to the Nitty Gritty
Urine is nearly sterile at the time of bladder elimination, but get immediately contaminated by your skin. Hey, do you want to know one place where urine can’t make skin contact? An airplane lavatory experiencing mildly intensive turbulence. I received my health care degree from Corinthian College, don’t question it.
Viruses can also survive on surfaces for as long as weeks while waiting for a host. Numerous viruses are associated with untreated feces. It’s a good thing that the naked human eye can see to the microscopic level and can avoid such pathogens.
Demodex mites, also known as eyelash mites eat, sleep, and have sex on your eyelashes. Their waste materials build up on your eyelashes can can cause inflammation and bacterial infection. Humans are just a small part of the Russian nesting doll of waste and sexual intercourse that is the food web.
If humans were to get a ‘remake’ we probably wouldn’t have waste factories next to amusement parks, because that is terrible design. Personally, I’d like to speak to the manager of deoxyribonucleic acid and ribonucleic acid in order to give them a piece of my mind.
Rough Landing
The Mile High Club is yet another entry into the body of evidence that insists that nothing gold can stay. Orville and Wilbur’s scientific legacy is now tainted by the distasteful yearnings of people who who can’t keep it locked up for a couple of hours.
The urine-soaked memories of seven minutes of heaven while a mother of a young child prays to the selfsame metaphysical place that a “lavatory vacant” sign will appear in the next five minutes are probably not worth the while.
Lavatories are shrinking, but people in many countries are not. And what about my tall kings and queens? They have to touch even more surface area and therefore get even more grubby. If you want to contort yourself in unimaginable ways to please others, join a circus school. If you want to do your best to fit differently-shaped pieces under duress and time-limited circumstances, try Tetris. Be well, friends.
After researching this topic thoroughly, I took 3 showers and scrubbed myself down with some steel wool each time. I still don’t feel clean.
A special thank you to my high school classmate who is also a flight attendant. She had to endure a bizarre line of questioning and is more than likely debating whether she has the professional duty to report me to the flight-based authorities.
