The Art of Subtle Seduction

The shy girl’s guide to initiating sex and gettin’ some

Initiating sex is one of those concepts I always assumed I understood but didn’t.

To me, initiating could only mean a few things.

It might mean straight up telling your partner you want to fuck.

It could mean undressing in front of them and acting all seductive.

Maybe grabbing his cock and launching into some foreplay.

If you’re coy, you could get away with giving a sly grin and saying “Meet me in the bedroom.”

I didn’t want to do any of those things.

Being so overt and explicit didn’t feel comfortable to me. I’m a shy girl, so making bold moves isn’t really my style. And being turned down after playing a big hand like that would’ve crushed me.

I also don’t get turned on by taking the lead. My fantasies don’t involve pushing a guy down on the bed and having my way with him. I’m too submissive to enjoy being in the dominant mode.

If I’m going to want sex, I need the dynamic to feel right. As a die-hard chasee, I need to feel like I’m the one being pursued and seduced.

On top of all that, my libido’s never been that strong. I didn’t want to tell my husband I wanted to have sex because even when I was kind of in the mood, I wasn’t actually horny enough to just start fucking.

So, I never initiated sex.

That only started to change when I realized there are more subtle ways of getting things going than sitting in a guy’s lap and saying “Fuck me, you stud.”

A lot of men complain that their wives or girlfriends don’t initiate sex, and it might be because some of those women are in the same boat I was in. They want to initiate — they just don’t know how to do it in a way that feels comfortable to them.

But there are ways to initiate sex without having to be really forward about it.

There are ways to do it when you’re not 100% of the way there and need a little playful teasing and seduction to get you in the mood.

There are ways to communicate that you’re open, waiting, and willing so that you can still be the one who gets chased.

Here are different ways you can initiate sex, even if you’re a shy or submissive woman.

Send Flirty Texts

I find it a lot easier to initiate sex in writing. You get to choose your words carefully. You don’t have to worry about your body language being awkward. You can give yourself all the time you need between typing out your text and sending it off.

I’ve got enough confidence to send my husband an email that says “Maybe you should tie me up and spank me tonight.” I’ll even throw in a wink and a few flame emojis.

In person, though, I often get too timid. I might just flop down on the bed and keep saying, “So, what do you want to do?” even though I really want to bone down.

Send Dirty Photos

Sometimes when I’m taking a bath and feeling a bit flirty, I’ll take a shot of my soapy thighs or my wet tits. I’ll send those to Mr. Austin so he knows what’s in store for him later that evening.

I don’t have to say anything explicit. He always gets the picture.

You can also bank them up. If I’m feeling cute but not really in the mood for anything, I might take some nudes or half-dressed shots and hold on to them. Then, when I’m feeling frisky, I can send the best ones to my husband with a simple message like “Thought you might appreciate these.”

He always does. And I get to just wait for him to make the next move.

Ask for a Massage

Asking for a massage is a great way to initiate. You’re basically requesting some foreplay without having to say anything naughty.

There’s something innocent about a massage, so even shy girls can be comfortable proposing one. But you’re also partially naked with his hands all over you, so you’re halfway to sex already.

And I love that a massage doesn’t have any built-in sexpectations. It’s perfect for when my sex drive is a little slower because it doesn’t have to end in fucking. A massage can just be a massage.

When I ask for one, my husband knows it’s a yellow light. I’m rolling the dice and seeing if having him rub me down gets me horny enough to have him rub me elsewhere.

Get More Physical

One of the simplest ways to initiate is to just get a little more physical than you normally do.

If I’m cuddling with my husband, I might grind my ass against him while he holds me to signal that I’m down. He gets a very clear message and I still get to be the little spoon.

You can also kiss more deeply and longer than you usually do. Linger on his lips. Make your kisses more and more intense. Get a little handsy.

Makeout sessions have a way of escalating into more. So, you can just enjoy the moment while letting him take things further.

Undress a Little

Showing more skin can be a way to initiate, and you can do it completely casually.

Entice him by walking around in your underwear. Wear your sexiest sleepwear to bed. If you’re feeling cheeky, flash him a little bit of skin.

Sometimes when I want my husband to put the moves on me, I just take my pants off when I’m waiting for him to come to bed. When he sees me in my green clover underwear, he knows he’s getting lucky.

Have a Playful Sex Conversation

Bring up sex and talk about it in a way that shows him it’s on your mind.

Tell him about one of your fantasies and ask him about his.

Talk about some of the things you’d like to try sometime.

Go over something you’ve done together and really enjoyed. Tell him you’d love to do it again soon.

Be as dirty and detailed as you want to be. Keep the conversation upbeat and fun. Encourage him to share his filthy thoughts, too. Give him a horny little grin while you’re listening.

And if all that fails, wiggle your eyebrows suggestively.

Respond to His Touch

The way he’s touching you might not be sexual, but the way you respond to it can be.

I like to show I’m in a receptive mood by moaning when my husband kisses my neck, squirming and biting my lip when he rubs my thighs, or shifting my hips when his hand is on my ass.

Show him that his touch is affecting you. React to it with excitement and enthusiasm.

Don’t hide how heavy your breath is getting. Melt into him. Shift your body so you’re in an open position — giving him clear and easy access to your tits or your inner thigh can be very inviting.

Suggest Watching Porn or a Steamy Movie

Asking him to watch some porn with you creates an explicitly sexual setup, but still leaves it up to him to take the lead.

It can serve a double purpose, too. Sometimes, I suggest watching porn because I know the movie will turn me on. His hand rubbing my hip, his breath on my neck, and some hardcore fucking on the screen is usually more than enough to get me there.

I’ve even managed to initiate by watching something on my own. My husband knows that whenever I rewatch 50 Shades, it has a very strong effect on me. The only way I wouldn’t fuck him after watching that movie is if I decided to fuck myself instead.

Tell Him Your Number

There’s this thing my husband and I call the horny scale.

We can’t remember exactly where we heard about it, but it’s originally from Reddit. It’s a simple system where you basically rank how open you are to having sex on a scale of 1 to 5.

When I tell him I’m at a 1, it means I’m not at all interested in having sex and we’re heading for a night of cuddling and watching vlogs.

If I say I’m at a 5, it means I’m so horny I will be down for almost anything.

And if I’m at a 3 it means I’m not sure but a little flirting and foreplay could get me to a 4 or 5.

At first, we thought it was a silly idea and made jokes about it. Eventually, those jokes turned serious and we started using the scale sincerely.

If I want to fuck, I’ll tell him “I’m not sure how I’ll feel later, but right now I’m at a 4.” If I want him to chase me and try his luck, I’ll tell him I’m at a 3.

That’s all it takes. Depending on the number I give him, I can basically set everything in motion or put a pin in his advances.

Grab His Dick

Okay, this is not exactly a shy girl move. But I’m including it here because it can be fun to do when you can bring yourself to do it, even if it’s just once or twice a year.

Early in my relationship with Mr. Austin, we had spent a few days apart and I was waiting for him to come home from work. I had let myself into his place and couldn’t wait to fuck him when he got home.

As soon as he walked in the door, I kissed him, dropped to my knees, undid his pants, and gave him a long, eager blowjob.

Every few months, I’ll be in a good enough mood to do something forward. I won’t drop to my knees when he walks in or blow him out of the blue. But I might say something like “Why don’t you get settled and I’ll give you a penis massage?”

This works even better when it’s out of character. It’s like a shy girl superpower. Being sexually aggressive packs a big punch because it’s so unexpected.

Case in point: it’s been 15 years since I greeted Mr. Austin by giving him head at the door and it’s still one of his fondest memories.

Have a Signal

If you feel like a lot of these methods are too much, you can establish some kind of signal. It can be something you wear, like a specific bracelet, or something you leave out on the nightstand to indicate that you’re down to fuck.

I’ve never done this one, but I probably should have in the past.

For years, I couldn’t initiate sex at all. If I got horny, I’d just wait around and hope my husband put the moves on me.

I can’t count the number of nights I went to bed unfucked because I couldn’t even imply that I wanted it.

Having some special thing I could wear or set out that would give him a green light to come at me would’ve saved me a ton of frustration.

You Can Initiate Without Taking the Lead

I’m making some generalizations here, of course. There are plenty of women who love taking a more aggressive approach. Some like to give their partners a simple, no nonsense “I’m horny. Come to bed.”

But by and large, women tend to be a little more coy. We tend to like being chased and seduced. We’re a little more submissive. And once the relationship is settled, we tend to need a little encouragement before we’re turned on enough to have sex.

And yeah, it means that for the most part, shy and subby gals like me don’t take the lead and make everything happen themselves. But that’s okay because sex and seduction should involve input from everyone. There should be a kind of back and forth, even if your contribution is a little more subtle and responsive.

Even as a total and complete chasee, the times I’ve felt sexiest were the ones when I was participating actively — I wasn’t just being taken, I was setting myself up to be taken.

If you’re shy and submissive, you can still initiate sex. Sometimes, all you can do is give your partner the green light, and that’s okay. Because it’s not really the naughty text or the invitation to watch porn that matter — it’s everything that happens after.

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