These Things Are Killing Your Seduction

This is why she isn’t going to bed with you

Sex doesn’t just happen.

Sure, sometimes two people are in the right place, at the right time, and just horny enough for something spontaneous to happen. But for the most part, there’s a lot of seduction leading up to a sexual encounter.

Seduction is important because it’s a way of showing your interest in someone by investing a little time and energy in them. It’s how you set intentions, feel each other out, and set the scene so that the sparks between the two of you can catch fire and lead to something hot.

There are things you can do to escalate and move things in the right direction. But there are also things you can do that will stop everything dead in its tracks.

Obviously, you shouldn’t spend the whole date obsessing over your ex, saying a bunch of offensive stuff, or acting like a rude asshole to others (trust me, she’s going to notice the way you treat the waitstaff).

But it’s often the little things that botch your attempts at seduction. They might not seem like a big deal on the surface, but they’re enough to project the wrong attitude, make her feel less desirable, or make her uncomfortable.

Here are some of those little things. If you can avoid them, you’ll have a better chance of getting in her pants.

Mentioning Sex Too Early and Too Often

Even if you’re just trying to pick up and have a one-night stand, don’t make everything about sex.

When you start making sexual comments early on and keep piling them on, it comes across as desperate. It makes it seem like you’re more interested in having sex than you are in the woman you’re talking to.

Even in a casual hookup, she’ll want to feel a little more special than that. She wants to feel like you’re trying to get in her pants because she’s hot and alluring, not because she’s nearby or she’s the first one who texted back.

There’s also less playfulness when you show your hand too quickly. Saturating your conversation with naughty comments and innuendos doesn’t leave you enough room to build the kind of sexual tension you get when you take things a little more slowly.

That tension is really exciting. The bare promise of sex, not so much.

Making Her Chase You Too Much

Most women prefer being chased and they can get turned off if they’re the ones who have to do the pursuing.

I’ve been involved with a few guys who left it up to me to do the chasing, and it never amounted to much. In each case, I just kept signaling that I wanted them to make a move — and they waited for me to make one.

I know why it happens. It can seem risky to do the pursuing. You’re putting yourself out there and showing that you’re interested. You have to put your heart on your sleeve, make the moves, and hope for the best.

I get it. But it’s a risk worth taking because it will definitely improve your odds.

If she’s giving you the right signals, show a bit of confidence and take action. Approach her, pursue her, and play in the space she’s opening up for you.

A lot of guys are also worried they’ll come across as creeps if they’re the ones making the moves. Or they think it’s progressive to sit back and let her take the lead.

But no one’s an asshole just because they’re interested and making it clear. Just progress slowly, pay attention to her reactions, and pull back respectfully if you misread her cues. As long as you’re not coming on too forcefully, there’s nothing wrong with shooting your shot.

Not Letting Her Invest Anything in You

Not chasing her enough is a problem. But on the flipside, doing too much of the chasing can end in a lonely night, too.

There’s no such thing as one-sided chemistry. If you’re doing all the talking, if you’re the only one pushing things forward, she won’t get to feel like she’s part of the seduction.

So, take the lead, but give her opportunities to be flirty, to tease you, and to nudge things ahead. Ask her questions and let her do some of the talking.

If you do, she’ll feel like an active participant in the seduction, not like she’s just letting it happen to her. That will make her more invested in you, which means she’ll spend more time thinking “I hope this goes somewhere” instead of asking herself “Should I let him get to second base?”

Giving Cold Body Language

Some guys have internalized the message that they shouldn’t try too hard when they’re on a date. But sometimes they take that advice a little too far. They think the way to a woman’s heart (and into her pants) is to be chill, casual, and aloof.

If playing it cool means turning your body away from her when you’re having a conversation, not giving her much eye contact, and keeping some distance, it’s going to send her the message that you’re just not that into her.

Even if you tell her that you’re interested or imply it in some other way, cold body language is going to make it seem like you’re not being completely honest.

That, or it’s going to make it seem like she needs to do all the work to win you over and impress you. And then you’re right back to making her do all the chasing.

So yes, you shouldn’t be too eager. And you shouldn’t put her on a pedestal and spend the night spouting off a creepy amount of compliments. But that doesn’t mean your body language can’t be warm, engaged, and inviting.

Being a Mess

There’s a small cast of characters that women all worry about getting involved with. There’s the fuckboi, the creepy dude, the emotionally unavailable guy — and then there’s the manchild.

The manchild’s a guy who doesn’t quite have his shit together. He might be kind of successful, he might be attractive, and he might have some decent flirting skills. But he sucks at being an adult.

That’s a total turnoff for a lot of women because we want to feel like we’re your hot hookup or your sexy girlfriend, not your mom. And if you don’t seem to have your shit together, that’s where our brains tend to go.

It’s an even bigger mood killer for those of us who actually are mothers. We want to take a break from that part of our lives while we’re with you, not lean into it harder.

Plus, most women like to feel taken care of by a guy. But we can’t feel that way if there are too many signs that you need a lot of help.

So, take decent care of your appearance and dress properly for the place you’re taking her. Once you’re there, show some good manners. And keep your car and your apartment clean — taking her to a messy place means you might not get to second base.

Being Too Negative

Sex and seduction are upbeat. They’re fun and feel good. They have a really strong positive energy to them.

You need to bring that same positive energy if you want to get there with her.

If you have a negative vibe, it won’t set the right tone for flirting and fooling around.

Shooting everything down, questioning the things she says, and not finding anything fun or interesting is more likely to bum her out than turn her on.

Touching or Kissing Too Aggressively

It’s important to make her feel wanted. Once things get going, you don’t want her to have any doubts that you’re into her.

Before she decides that she wants to take things further, she’ll want to feel that there’s passion between the two of you, and she’ll want that to be expressed physically.

But don’t confuse passion for brute force.

A little intensity is fine, but going too hard can be a turn off. Some of the most electrifying touches are the soft ones. And pretty much no one likes sloppy, aggressive makeout sessions.

If she likes a more aggressive touch and enjoys being roughed up a little, she’ll still want you to build up to that. If she’s giving you the green light, slowly ramp things up and feel out her reactions.

If she’s into it, go for it. But in most cases, your best approach is to be more sensual. There are ways to show your desire for her without manhandling her or trying to shove your mouth against hers.

Putting Up Walls

Vulnerability matters more than most guys realize. It’s extremely important to us because a vulnerable guy feels more trustworthy. It shows a bit of humility and that’s a sign of good character.

It also lets us feel like we’re getting to know the real you.

Women have all had to put up with tons of guys showing off, bragging, and trying to impress them by being cocky. When we ask honest or playful questions to try to get them to drop the act, guys often give us evasive answers or try to change the topic.

It gets exhausting.

When you let go of the facade and show us an honest glimpse at your personality, it’s extremely refreshing. It shows that you’re not so insecure that you feel the need to hide behind vague comments and all that flexing.

Before we decide to sleep with a guy, we want to know what kind of guy we’re sleeping with. But we can’t get a sense of that if you’re putting up walls.

Dropping the Seduction

Seduction isn’t just a way to get your foot in the door. It’s an ongoing process. Once it feels like a sure thing, it’s not time to stop.

If she invites you to her place, if you’re making out, or if you get a really strong DTF vibe from her, don’t coast on it. Keep up the seduction.

You’d be surprised how quickly a woman can lose her arousal if there’s nothing to sustain it. And just assuming you’re going to end up fucking is probably not enough to keep her lady boner hard.

Even when she practically has her hand down your pants, keep flirting with her. Keep being sweet. Keep looking into her eyes like you don’t want to look at anything but her for the next few hours.

If you do that, she might still change her mind about making out with you or fucking you (because consent still applies), but she’s a lot less likely to.

Not Getting Her Jokes

Women are funny. Some them are fucking hilarious.

But men don’t always realize that and it can create a serious break in the chemistry.

When we try to flirt by teasing, impress you by being clever, or just uphold the banter with a good joke, it’s kind of crushing when it falls flat. Not every joke has to land, but if she feels like her humor isn’t appreciated, she’s likely to feel like you’re incompatible.

So, go into it assuming that the girl you’re hitting on has a good sense of humor. That way, you’ll respond to her jokes instead of ignoring them.

This is a real personal issue for me. I encounter this all the time. It’s not like I think everyone should find my jokes funny. But I’ve noticed that men don’t even seem to realize I’m joking at all. They often respond in a really deadpan way, like they thought I was being completely serious.

It makes it harder to flirt and it makes me feel like I can’t even tease them because it will be taken the wrong way.

Every man says he wants a woman with a sense of humor. But most of them really want a woman who’ll laugh at his jokes. If you want to show you’re paying attention to her and create some good chemistry, you have to laugh at her jokes, too.

Don’t Ruin Your Game

I know some of this sounds like tough love, but I’m not trying to be a downer. This is the kind of advice I’ve needed in my life, too.

I get so caught up in my head sometimes that I fuck up my flirting. I’m too busy worrying about saying the wrong thing that I end up saying something that closes off the conversation instead of opening it up. Or I keep second-guessing everything they’re saying so I end up pulling away instead of drawing them in.

I know firsthand what it’s like to kill the seduction. And I know that it can be the little things — the things you might not even realize you’re doing because you’re too focused on the big things.

That sucks, because I want more people to have fun, exciting encounters. I want more sex and passion in the world.

And that all starts with seduction.

So, be mindful of your approach, avoid the things that could kill your seduction, and go out there and make someone feel special.

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