How to Fuckboi-Proof Yourself

How to repel red flags, bad vibes, and fuckboi BS

If you date men, you’ve probably met a fuckboi.

And if you’ve only encountered one, count yourself lucky.

A fuckboi is kind of like a player, except instead of just having lots of casual sex, he’s willing (and usually defaults to) lying, manipulating and playing with your feelings to get you to sleep with him.

Unfortunately, it can be pretty effective. By the time you figure out that he’s a total mistake, he’s already become a hookup you regret.

I honestly thought I was fuckboi proof because I can usually spot their red flags and spot them early. My problem is when I miss those signs or I ignore them because I’m listening to the more impulsive part of my brain. When I’m in, I have a really hard time getting out. I start making up excuses for their behavior and I get more involved than I should.

That’s the people pleaser in me, I guess. But it’s also human nature. When someone plays mind games to draw you in, it can be hard to pull back out completely.

If you’re single or looking, you need to fuckboi proof yourself. The dating world is rough enough without putting up with the guys who just want to play you and use you under false pretenses.

I learned some of these lessons the hard way, but hopefully you won’t have to. Here are the strategies I have used and am using to avoid getting mixed up with a fuckboi again.

Know the Fuckboi Red Flags

The best way to protect yourself is to spot them before they have a chance to lure you in. So, the first step to becoming fuckboi proof is to familiarize yourself with the red flags they’ll wave in your face.

He Puts a Lot of Energy into Showing What a Good Guy He Is

When you’re dealing with a fuckboi, you might be tempted to explain away some of his sketchy behavior because he’s a such a nice guy. But you have to ask yourself: is he a nice guy or did he just tell you he is?

Fuckbois will find a way to mention their woke principles. They’ll tell stories that paint them in a good light (and often sound a tiny bit fabricated). They tend to talk about how much they respect women.

But it’s usually just that — talk. Because a good guy doesn’t have to spend all this time trying to make you think he’s good. He just is. He lets his actions speak for themselves. Fuckbois know their actions will be anything but nice — that’s why they want to make sure their words show up first.

Another version of this is always talking about how bad men are. It’s normal for men to commiserate with women and the shit they put up with. But if a guy is screaming from the rooftops that he’s the last decent man on Earth, he’s not.

He Seems Vaguely Disrespectful

He’s not quite insulting you. But he’s not just teasing you, either. It’s somewhere in between the two.

That means he’s probably negging you. It’s a common pickup artist tactic. The idea is to give a woman some backhanded compliments, or sandwich some insults between compliments. Things like “You look way hotter than most girls your size” or “I love your hair. Is it real?”

The idea is to make you a little self-conscious and make you feel like a low value prospect. But the thing it should tell you is that he’s one.

He’s Touching You Too Much

A little touch isn’t bad if you’re giving off some inviting vibes and he’s still being respectful. But if it happens long before you’re comfortable with him (or he should be with you), he might be pulling another pickup artist move. This one’s called kino, and the idea is to create quick intimacy through physical touch.

No, you won’t end up screwing him just because he grazed the back of your hand thirty seconds after you met him. But the fact that he thinks it might work is a red flag.

He Only Give You Attention at Night

If you only hear from him at night, it’s because you’re booty call material in his mind (and maybe all women are). It means he only thinks about you when he’s got nothing else going on, when he’s horny, or both.

Even if he tells you he’s a night owl, it doesn’t matter. My husband was one when I met him. He woke up in the afternoon and only got home from work after midnight. But he still reached out to me during daylight hours. If he wants you for more than sex, he’ll find little ways to reach out on your terms, not just his.

Likewise, watch out for guys who only keep the text conversations going when they’re about sex. When he lets it fizzle out if it’s just ordinary, heartfelt, or just fun conversation, it’s because he only wants you for one reason.

He Starts Talking About Sex Way Too Soon

He’ll bring up sex early and often so he can feel you out quickly. He wants to know how much of a shot he has at getting in your pants. Are you DTF? How much work would it take to get you there?

If you don’t give signs that you might put out, he’ll move on to someone who does. A fuckboi is more interested in having sex than he is in you.

His Actions Don’t Match His Words

A fuckboi wants to keep you in the right zone. He wants you to think you’re more than friends so he has a chance to fuck you, but without any of the commitment you would expect even from a friend.

He’ll do that by sending you mixed messages.

He’ll tell you he doesn’t want anything serious. He’ll say he just wants to keep it casual. Or he’ll give you some bullshit about not needing labels.

But at the same time, he’ll bust out the pet names. He’ll use the most lovey dovey emojis he can when he’s texting you. He’ll keep sending you love songs without any comment.

You might start thinking he’s just too shy to straight up say he likes you, but that’s not it. First, shy guys might not send enough messages, but they don’t send mixed ones. If they like you and you show that you like them, you’ll have a clear sense of where you both stand.

Second, he’s not shy. Chances are he approached you. He probably tried to escalate things and probably did it kind of early. Fuckbois aren’t shy about all the other stuff, so why would they be shy about telling you straight up that they like you?

He Doesn’t Listen

He’ll hear what you say, but he won’t really listen to you. You can tell because he might give you the floor once in a while, but he’ll never refer back to anything you said. That’s because he’s more interested in showing off to you than actually getting to know you.

If you get to know him over a few weeks, chances are he’ll even say or do things that show he clearly wasn’t listening, like trying to impress you with something you already said you don’t like.

He might have one token inside joke or shared reference that he keeps coming back to, probably based on something he learned about you very early on. But no matter how often you talk, he won’t update his material.

He Already Acts Like He’s Falling in Love

He spends all day and all night talking to you. He goes all in and seems like he’s ready to commit to you overnight (without actually committing). He’ll say wild shit like “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before” or “I can already tell what we have is special.”

It might feel like the start of a beautiful romance, but it’s not. It’s lovebombing.

It’s going to feel amazing if you let yourself get swept up in it, but it’s not going to last. It’s just a way to get you hooked on him and to keep you hooked even after he becomes cold or distant. And the more you buy into it, the more it’s going to hurt when he withholds affection and attention from you.

He’s Horny on Main

Check out his social media (like you haven’t already). Does he mostly follow and interact with women? Is he leaving a lot of suggestive comments on their posts? If so, it could be because he’s treating every one of them as a prospect while he’s dating you. He might even be playing a few of them at the same time.

He Ignores Anything Remotely Deep

He loves getting deep with you, but that just means talking at you about himself and his ideas. He might give you his sob story, his story about why he hasn’t had much luck with women, and how he just really wants love but can’t seem to find it.

What he won’t do is give a damn about your shit. If you need to address something with him or just want some reassurance of some kind, he might just laugh it off or completely ignore it. If you need to call him out on his behavior or something he’s said, he’ll give you a smirk, like he thinks it’s silly for you to even care (or like he’s proud that he’s been able to dick you around but still keep you around).

His Idea of a Date Is Basically a Booty Call

He doesn’t take you out on the town. He doesn’t ask you out to restaurants. He never does anything cute or dorky like bring you ice skating or bowling. He just wants you to come over to his place.

He might say it’s because he’s chill or casual, but it’s more likely that he wants to get laid but he’d rather not spend a lot of time or money getting there.

He Withholds Affection or Attention When You Upset Him

If you upset him, he goes cold. He’ll disappear and stop texting for a while. Or he’ll take all the sweetness and flirtiness out of the texts he does send you.

And you seem to upset him often because it’s so easy. It happens whenever you put up a boundary, won’t do whatever it is they want to do, or tell him that something he said or did hurt you. You know, very normal conversations you should be able to have with someone you’re dating.

It’s a manipulation tactic. Going cold the second you don’t give him his way is supposed to make you reluctant to say no. You don’t want to upset him, and you learn very quickly that the only way to do that is to agree to whatever he wants.

He Never Shows You His Life

He’s got friends and a family, but he never tells you much about them. He’s also kind of vague about what he’s up to. You have to squeeze those kinds of details out of him because he doesn’t give them up easily.

He can spend hours talking about whatever bullshit, but you still won’t get a clear picture of what he does with his time or who he’s with when he’s not with you. His life outside of you is mostly a mystery, even if you’ve known him for a couple of months.

If he won’t let you have a glimpse at his life, it’s because he doesn’t really think you belong in it. To him, you’re a potential conquest or an occasional fuck, not real girlfriend material.

He Keeps Disappearing

When a guy wants you for more than sex, he’ll make some time for you. He’ll check in with you regularly, even if he’s busy. And if he’s going to be too busy to talk for a while, he’ll at least give you a heads up.

Not a fuckboi, though. He’s going to leave you on read. Sometimes you won’t hear from him for days at a time. Then, he’ll resurface and pick right back up like nothing happened.

Be Confident

Confidence is one of the biggest fuckboi repellants there is. Fuckbois will sometimes go after confident women (because, let’s face it, they’ll go after almost any woman) but they especially love women with lower self-esteem. They’re hoping to find a woman who has low standards and will put up with their shitty behavior, someone they can manipulate more easily.

Don’t make yourself an easy target for them. Build up your confidence. Show that you know your value and that you can take a firm stance.

And it’s really more about projecting confidence than actually having it. If you can fake some confidence, that can be all you need to show a fuckboi that he’s barking up the wrong tree.

Learn to Spot the Difference Between Confidence and Cockiness

Confidence is an extremely attractive quality in a guy, and that’s one of the reasons fuckbois get so far with so many women. They have an air of confidence that can draw you to them.

It won’t work on you, though, if you know the difference between confidence and cockiness. Because that’s really what a fuckboi is — cocky.

They’ll have an overinflated sense of self, but they’re also highly insecure. You can tell because of the way they always need the attention on them. They brag and boast more than they should. And they’re quick to elevate themselves by putting down others (including you).

They might put themselves down here and there or be a little self-deprecating, but they’ll do it in safe and controlled conversations where they’re pretty sure it will elicit sympathy. The negative things they share about themselves will always be curated — they’ll be more like prompts for you to validate and reassure them, not genuine displays of vulnerability.

Uphold Your Boundaries

Fuckbois will violate your boundaries but they’ll do it insidiously. They have a way of making you tear down your boundaries or make exceptions.

He might do it by cajoling you. He might do it by convincing you that what you two have is really special (even if he’s planning to ditch you after he finds someone else who’ll fuck him). He might do it by making you feel like your boundaries are silly or childish. Or he might do it by going hot and cold so often you that you realize the only way to keep him interested is to give him more than you wanted to.

I have to admit I really struggle with this one. I’m a people pleaser with some major daddy issues. I protect myself a lot, but once I fall for someone and let them into my life, it’s hard for me to not just give them what they want. I’ve torn down boundaries I wasn’t ready to cross just because I wanted to show a guy just how much I like him.

In the end, I sent all these guys the wrong message. Instead of showing them that no means no, I showed them that no means try harder.

So don’t just establish your boundaries, but also show him that you’re very serious about them. Stand firm. If a guy genuinely likes you, he’ll respect your boundaries. A guy who keeps trying to violate them (or trying to convince you to drop them) is just trying to use you.

You can also try the No Test to see if he’ll respect your boundaries. It’s simple: say no to him early on, preferably when he’s trying to escalate things, and see how he reacts. If he gets pushy, if he turns demanding, if he seems unreasonably hurt, that’s a bad a sign.

It’s also a bad sign if he retreats. If he laughs it off and says “Hey, that’s fine” that’s alright. But if he does that and then ends the date early, finds an excuse to leave, or stops texting, it’s because he thinks your boundary is an inconvenience, not something to be expected.

Follow the Two Question Rule

A fuckboi is, in the end, more interested in himself than he is in you. So naturally, he’ll spend a lot more time talking about himself than asking you questions.

When you’re talking to a guy, pay attention to which one of you keeps asking questions. If you find that you’re routinely asking him two or more questions without him asking you any, then he’s just not that interested in you (even if he’s interested in what he can get from you).

The Two Question Rule is really handy because it can save you from wasting too much time on all sorts of self-absorbed guys. Use it to weed out narcissists, ego maniacs, and, yes, fuckbois.

Only Date in Public

Make sure your first few dates are in public places so you can avoid those Netflix and Chill dates that are really just dressed up booty calls.

Don’t invite them over to your house and don’t let them drive you home, either. It’s best not to let them know where you live before you’ve had a chance to make sure they’re not fuckbois.

Don’t Chase Too Hard

Fuckbois will sometimes make you chase them instead of doing more of the chasing. But men will typically do the chasing if they’re interested in you. At the very least, they’ll put in an equal amount of effort trying to impress, pursue, and seduce you.

If he likes you and doesn’t just want to get laid or fuck and leave, he’s going to invest in you. Otherwise, he’s just trying to pursue women who don’t require a lot of effort.

And yeah, I realize I’m making some strong gendered assumptions here, but every guy I’ve met is well aware that it’s expected that men are the ones who will do the pursuing. So, even the shy ones will give off clear hints and match your energy if they’re interested.

So, don’t chase too hard. Don’t put in all the effort. Don’t be the one to initiate contact every time. Show him you’re interested and let him come for you.

Take Things Slowly

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having sex on the first date. I don’t even think there’s anything wrong with having sex before the first date. Have fun whatever way you want.

But fuckbois are after sex. Taking sex off the table is one of the best ways to avoid getting mixed up with them.

I’m learning that I fall into things with the wrong people by going to sex too quickly. Taking it more slowly gives me a chance to get to know someone before I feel too deeply involved with them. I’m still looking for sex (who isn’t?) but I want an opportunity to vet the person first. I want enough time to see all their red flags. I want to give them a chance to show their real character.

If you keep ending up with fuckbois, taking things slowly is a good way to avoid them. They’ll lose interest because you’re not putting out, or you’ll lose interest because you’ll start to see their true colors. Either way, you’ll be dodging a bullet.

Disengage Completely

Once you see the red flags, remove yourself from his eyesight. Block his number. Unfollow him on social media. Block him there, too, if he won’t leave you alone.

Even if you know he’s a fuckboi, he can still get under your skin. It’s safer to just remove the temptation and take away his ability to manipulate you.

Or if blocking feels like too much, you can go gray rock. That’s a method people use for dealing with narcissists but it can be effective with fuckbois, too. It involves not giving him attention, not humoring him, and to just let every conversation you have die out. Basically, you make yourself boring to him until he leaves you alone.

Listen to Your Gut

It’s easy to talk yourself into giving a fuckboi attention, especially when they’re using all their manipulative tactics.

But even when they’re messing with your feelings, you’ll always have a little sense that something’s wrong. Listen to that feeling. If talking to him gives you anxiety, frustration, confusion, and uncertainty instead of blushy butterflies or warm feelings, take a step back. If those feelings never go away, cut it off completely.

You’re having those feelings for a reason. Don’t ignore them.

You Deserve Better

If you’re dating, haven’t settled into a long-term relationship, or you have but it’s an open one, you owe it to yourself to master the art of spotting and disconnecting from fuckbois. They’ll drain your energy, mess with your self-esteem, and waste time you could be spending on attracting a proper partner.

Every woman deserves better than a fuckboi, but if you’re available, they’re hard to avoid. So make an effort to become fuckboi proof. You’ll thank yourself later.

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