The Art of Modern Dating: Whoever Cares Less, Wins

When it comes to dating, there are all kinds of rules — spoken and unspoken.

1. Be upfront about wanting a relationship
2. Don’t be upfront about wanting a relationship
3. Date multiple people at once
4. Date one person and see where it goes
5. The 90-Day Rule

The new rule: The person who cares the least has the most power.

OK, this rule isn’t quite new, it’s been around just under a different name. The Principle of least interest originated in 1938 by American sociologist Willard Waller in his book The Family: A Dynamic Interpretation. Waller described the principle in the context of different types of relationships; from business to romantic ones. Whoever wants it more, has more to lose. It looks something like this:

Scenario 1

Think about negotiating at Mokolo market. There’s a set of shoes you really want, the vendor quotes 10,000 FRS, you say you have 5,000 FRS. She brings the price down to her “best offer” 8,000 FRS. There are tons of other vendors at the market, so you leverage Waller’s principle — you “walk away”. Immediately, she calls you back to renegotiate. You have the power.

Scenario 2

You are back at Mokolo market but this time, the sole of your shoe is hanging by a thin strand of glue, so you hobble your way into Ma Pauline’s store for a new pair. She quotes 10,000 FRS, and you say you have 5,000 FRS. Her eye wanders down to your feet. Mokolo is not a place you want to hobble around or worse, be barefoot even if it’s just to the next stall. She says she will give you a “good price” given your circumstance. 9,000 FRS. As you make an attempt at negotiating, she turns her back. It’s all or nothing. She has the power.

The Principle of least interest might work for our pockets, but it doesn’t work for our hearts. Money is finite, but love is not.

The rules we live by are intended for us to protect ourselves and avoid being used, exploited, or taken for granted.

Caring less is a movement — pop culture supports it but it might be a case where art imitates life.

Communicating makes you thirsty —

Take longer only to say less. Don’t make them privy to your inner thoughts and feelings. Less energy into crafting responses and less information is provided for them to potentially do quick maths and add up any mistruths or hidden details. The less you communicate, the less attached you’ll be anyway, so it’s a win for you.

“I don’t text quick ’cause I ain’t thirsty” — Girls in the Hood by Megan Thee Stallion.

But do communicate just enough to keep them hanging around, and likely wanting more. I hear it’s called…breadcrumbing.

Planning makes you eager —

If you have the “perfect” date night or weekend planned, you are setting yourself up…for failure. When asked what you want to do, eat, or watch, “I don’t know” or “let’s play it by ear” is the only appropriate response because it makes you cool, nonchalant, and dare I say — mysterious (ooo!). Sorry to all my fellow planners, we’re going to have to just “go with the flow” from now on.

Consistency makes you boring—

If she trusts that you’re going to send a “good morning sunshine” text, as you have been for the past 37 consecutive days and she’s expressed she loves…STOP. You’re “doing to much”. Switch it up, keep her on her toes, and don’t text her till the afternoon. Better yet, just stop altogether. You’re a busy guy doing busy guy things. Surely you haven’t thought about her at all.

She gon’ pick up on the first ring Oo, I got her wrapped around my damn finger

— Gyalis by Capella Grey

He shouldn’t be certain that you’ll pick up his calls, why? Because you know who else picks up his calls? His mom. Do you want to mother this man? No.

Humanizing men gives “pick me” energy —

Dear woman, how dare you speak up on behalf of any man. They are all scum, terrible, terrible humans. Sure your brother and father may be men, but they don’t count. Let’s judge men by their actions and ourselves by our intentions. Anyone who disagrees is a “pick me”.

Humanizing women gives “simp” energy—

Dear man, how dare you speak up on behalf of any woman. They are all scum, terrible, terrible humans. Sure your sister and mother may be women, but they don’t count. Judge women by their actions and yourselves by your intentions. Anyone who disagrees is a “simp”.

It looks absolutely absurd spelled out, but this is what we do to avoid vulnerability and the magnitude of hurt we are at risk of when we let someone into our lives.

It’s all valid: heartbreaks are draining and sad and tiring and I don’t know anyone who would choose being drained, sad, and tired as a lifestyle. Better to have been bracing yourself all along, only giving bits and pieces because they can’t break you if they never had you.

But love though — true, healthy, mature love — it’s energizing, motivating, empowering, comforting, stabilizing.

So yes, whoever cares less might win, but what’s the prize?

Thank you for reading! If you’re wondering why I’ve been publishing less frequently, here’s why (still writing every day, just a lot in the drafts pile).

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