The New Age Fuckboy: He’s doing more than just fucking
When most of us first heard the term “Fuckboy”, it was pretty self-explanatory. We knew this was the kind of guy who would say or do whatever he needed to …well, fuck.
We identified this breed as the guys who called after 10 pm, asked for nudes, only talked about sex, and sent “U up?” texts, but times have changed.
The new and (un)improved Fuckboy is captured in Dictionary.com’s broader definition of the term:
“A fuckboy is that guy … the one who doesn’t respect women, but relies on them heavily. He’s distant, doesn’t care about other people’s time, and won’t commit. He’s self-absorbed, does stupid things, and fucks with others’ emotions.” — Dictionary.com
These days, some Fuckboys aren’t even fucking. You read that right.
Nowadays, Fuckboys just need a hug and a listening ear.
It’s a dangerous and deceptive game.
There are many reasons why a well-intentioned, seemingly standup guy may end up embodying Fuckboyery;
- Lack of self-awareness
- Selfish/self-centeredness
- Insecurities
- Avoidant attachment style
- Lack of home training, etc.
Before you read this — A dash of empathy
I know that we are all human, and none of us has lived through the lives we currently live. We are therefore bound to make mistakes. Most of us are doing our best to navigate our present while carrying the burdens of our past.
So, have a sense of human empathy for Fuckboyhood, but do not accept the lifestyle or make excuses for it.
When this man-child’s behavior is no longer serving you in a constructive way, muster all the courage of a Maasai warrior and pack your shit.
You don’t have to be collateral damage on a Fuckboy’s journey to unfuck himself.
From primary qualitative research (heavily skewed female) of close girlfriends and their friends as well as personal experiences, I got the inside scoop.
What do modern age Fuckboys want?
They want power.
They want you till you want them.
He wants to know that you are all-in; you haven’t been seeing other guys and you have him in your long-term plans. He wants to hear that you missed him while he was ghosting you and that if he calls, you will answer. In fact, if you don’t, he might freak out or guilt-trip you.
Don’t be flattered by his possessive nature; it is a reflection of the desires of his fragile ego, not a desire for you. How do you know it isn’t genuine? When the tables are turned, his energy doesn’t match yours. In fact, he may express a disconnect when you reply to his texts within a four-hour window, but when it comes to him, he circles back in 24–48 hours because “work was busy” or he “fell asleep” — if he gives any “reason” at all. He does not respect your time.
The new age Fuckboy gets his power once you’ve been established as a pawn on his chessboard. Perhaps at the start, you didn’t even want any form of commitment but he insisted on working towards that.
Now, he gets around to you at his convenience and you’re expected to accept it.
He sets the pace and you’re expected to follow, even though you have no idea where he’s taking you.
Neither does he.
All he knows is that he is living out each moment in a way that brings him satisfaction — whether or not this comes at your expense.
If you opt to walk away, he might insist on getting you back — trying things again and doing better this time.
He needs you but not in the way you think — he can’t play chess with no pawns. Can’t run game with no players.
They want a friend.
They want you to be the true friend they didn’t know they needed.
When my ex had his first panic attack, he scrolled back and forth through his contact list and finally decided to call me. It wasn’t that I was particularly special to him a few weeks into the relationship. Instead, it was because he “did not trust any of his boys”.
Male friendships are unique:
Men’s social circles are shrinking (averaging 3 friends compared to 6 friends, 30 years ago). Within these small circles, the depth of trust and intimacy is often shallow because of a reluctance to be vulnerable. Men often bond around a particular sport, or hobby, and limit the relationship to that activity. So when shit hits the fan, how do they shift from banter over Mikel Arteta’s coaching to bringing up the feelings of inadequacy and isolation?
Time spent with you might simply mean he loves the companionship or the sound of his own voice. It isn’t always “cute” that he loves having you around with little to no engagement while you’re there. Sure being alone together can be healthy, but the modern age fuckboy uses your presence as a distraction from whatever he is running away from on the inside.
He’s not trying to include you in his life, he’s trying to escape it.
Though he mostly calls at his convenience, he might call every day just to “hear the sound of your voice…” in the background as he plays videogame, or completes work tasks, or runs errands. All in an effort to evade solitude.
So alas here he is truly looking for a friend (with or without benefits). You, on the other hand, did not get on dating apps to make friends. You might have entertained the idea of friendship if the intention had been communicated from the beginning. But perhaps he didn’t realize this is what he was truly after either.
His lack of self-awareness can cause a lot of confusion, giving an illusion of intimacy until you set the boundary for both of you.
They want to be heard.
Some new-age Fuckboys are simply looking for a sounding board.
Don’t be flattered when he tells you all about the career moves he is considering or asks your opinion on what car to buy. It is all just a conversation. It doesn’t guarantee that the future he discusses with you is one he plans to make you a part of. Look for reciprocation and consistency over time.
The old Fuckboy handbook might have had him ghosting you until your next encounter, but nah. Not this era. This breed can do long-distance with you, or live in the same neighborhood, communicating constantly but never initiate taking it offline.
You might know details about his life from how he splits up his laundry, to what golf clubs and boxing gyms he belongs to. Your mental repertoire is full of what he had for dinner each day last week, but this version of Fuckboyery is what my sister and I call pen pal-ship.
Yes, you can have a Fuckboy you’ve never fucked. He’s also known as a pen pal, a timewaster, or an emotional vampire.
They want to be valued.
They don’t want to be reduced to the essence of their bedroom skills.
The new age Fuckboy wants a role in your life. He wants to give you the traffic report on your route before you leave the house, send you $100 when you mention you haven’t had lunch yet, transfer over $800 for “looking good” in an Instagram post, or hype you up when you hit a milestone at work.
Perhaps this is how he proves to himself that he is capable of being a provider for a woman or it gives him some kind of purpose. As he shows up this way, you might unintentionally create more space for him in your life, unaware that the tiny space he currently occupies is the extent of what he can fill.
If you create any more, brace yourself for disappointment.
They want attention.
The more sources of it, the merrier.
Modern-day Fuckboys would get bored by only one source of attention. He wants the thrills and excitement of newness and various sources of praise. He wants the compliments.
He wants to know he “still got it” or how much of it he got by shooting his shot at various women, especially those who might be physically, intellectually, or socially out of his league (because you, good sis, are a catch!).
He knows everything you bring to the table, in fact, that is why he has chosen to make you the victim of his bullshit. Because you are patient, because you are kind because you are empathetic, and an embodiment of love.
You are “good vibes”, you shine and he wants to be around your energy and your light, but not everyone gets that access, especially when they haven’t earned it.
For him, to charm is to conquer. Once he has your attention, the game is over — circle back to point #1: They want power. It was always about power.
They want love.
But for whatever reason, believe they are either not capable or not enough.
Participants in my unofficial study (my friends) have all come across the Fuckboys who say they are “husband material” and sell a dream around it. I personally believe that they believe the words coming out of their mouths just as much as you’re inclined to.
They want love, but for whatever reason, believe they are either not capable or not enough. Their core fears of either abandonment or rejection show up through defense and coping mechanisms that prevent them from being the loving, wonderful partners they might want to be and in turn, they hurt other people. I strongly believe people are mostly good. I also strongly believe that hurt people hurt people.
His empty promises might be the product of a glass half full. Regardless of the reason, it hurts the same. Save yourself because you most definitely cannot save him.
A man who wants all of the above, could be a regular, flawed man looking for love, so how do you tell the difference? Fuckboys want what they want on their timeline without consideration of others or the implications of their actions.
They want all these things from you at the cost of free; without committing or reciprocating.
He will overlook the experience you are having in the relationship, despite how many times you communicate it or beg for him to change.
Do you realize how selfish a man must be for you to say “you’re hurting me” and for him to keep doing the same thing? Very selfish.
Regardless of whether they mean well or not, if their actions are taking a toll on you, walk away for the sake of your sanity and self-esteem.
If you can’t find it in you to leave quite yet, don’t worry, he got you covered. He will keep breaking your heart till you run out of heart. In due time.
In 2022, (in America at least) there is no reason for Fuckboy tendencies to prevail because society is more accepting of various relationship structures, and women generally have more space to be openly sexual and noncommittal.
Though the modern Fuckboys might not be fucking, they are fucking wasting your time. Please spread the word:
To be a Fuckboy in 2022 is to be a coward.
On behalf of scorned hopeless romantics everywhere.
Sorry, mom.
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