The Antidote to Fragmentation

Intelligent Compassion

The antidote to individual and social fragmentation is connection. The pathway to connection is compassion. In states of compassion, we step outside of ourselves and connect with others. We also have a desire to engage in the world to address the suffering we see and/or to promote life-affirming change. Compassion then connects us to the realities of the material world but in a way in which we are also connected to the experiences of others.

What is compassion

What is compassion? How do we understand it? When I ask people to share the images they have of compassion, they tend to report very stereotypical soft gentle expressions of, for example, holding another in suffering. Similarly, in an images search of the word compassion, I noted three dominant categories of images (see Figure 1). First, are images that include hearts. Second, are the prototypical images of gentleness and care. Finally, there are utopian images such as the biblical lion and the lamb lying together or like the picture below of a bird and a cat nestled together.

Figure 1

There is nothing inherently wrong with these images or the understandings they represent except that they are too narrow. This soft, utopian, narrow representation can lead to compassion fatigue and compassion anxiety. For example, people begin to wonder if being compassionate and forgiving would lead to becoming victimized? (What if the lion changes its mind?) People also question whether opening to the suffering of others would overwhelm them and leave them collapsing into grief, helplessness, and despair? This often leads to seeing compassion as a weakness in a “survival of the fittest” world. As such compassion is seen as an experience that needs to be activated only for those few deserving people (usually those with whom we most identify).

Compassion, however, is larger than these images represent. Compassion can also be sharp as in the surgeon using a scalpel to remove a tumor; it can strong as in the case of individuals involved in nonviolent resistance movements; and it can be tremendously courageous as is demonstrated by the individuals involved in restorative justice and healing circles.

I refer to this as Intelligent Compassion to distinguish it from the simplified view described earlier. Intelligent compassion involves connection and caring. It involves a desire to promote life-affirming change. Intelligent Compassion also has boundaries and involves skillfulness. By skillfulness, I mean the capacity to do the right thing at the right time by being in the right state. In this way, it is differentiated from unidimensional understandings of compassion as simply a “soft” sympathetic emotion and from “tough love” ideas that are blunt instruments often used for control and masquerading as compassion.

On one occasion, I told a client who was persistently blaming his ex-wife for his repeated incarcerations (see my story How to Get out of a Ten Foot Hole) that he needed an emotional enema and ended the session. This wasn’t punitive nor tough love. I wasn’t trying to teach him a lesson. I was genuinely worried about his welfare and I knew that I could not help him in that state. The comment was not planned. It arose out of concern and a need to decline his invitations to support his unhealthy focus while inviting him to take responsibility.

Authenticity Matters

Furthermore, Bill knew I wasn’t being cruel or coercive. Authenticity matters with compassion. As Daniel Siegel, a pioneer in the field of interpersonal neurobiology has suggested, human beings have a sort of neural Wi-Fi in which we are connected at a subconscious level. Evidence of this can be found in the fields of neurology and neuro-cardiology. One example involves mirror neurons which activate in the premotor cortex to reflect and decode facial expressions and thus the emotional state of the person being observed. According to Jeffery Schwartz of the UCLA Neuropsychiatric Institute, this decoding happens primarily in a right brain to right brain process that is often below conscious awareness but is nevertheless felt by the observer. Thus, you can’t pretend compassion when you have contempt. The contempt will leak out and be felt, changing the context of the interaction.

Compassion is an emotional competency

Intelligent compassion is both a felt experience that can be cultivated and an engagement skill that can be learned. Neurological research highlights that compassion is an emotional competency that improves with practice. The more you practice compassion, the more you feel it and the more your brain changes to support you in making the choices that lead to living well.

Compassion regulates physiology

Compassion regulates physiology such that it increases connection to our own higher brain functions thus promoting wisdom and creativity. In states of compassion, we see more broadly and can respond more effectively rather than react to the immediate circumstance in a narrow-prescribed way.

Compassion promotes accountability

Compassion also promotes accountability. In states of compassion, we recognize that it is only in responsibility that change is possible. Additionally, self-compassion tends to activate the neurological resources that help individuals make better choices whereas being tough on oneself tends to activate the stress response system and facilitates reacting with the same old bad habits.

Compassion facilitates success

Intelligent compassion also facilitates success in life. Recall from my article Energy Balance, that givers represent the top performers across a wide variety of professions and careers. Successful givers are compassionate, generous, with strong values and clear, flexible, and healthy boundaries. They are also interested in everyone’s success (including their own). Because of this attitude and approach, psychologist Adam Grant noted that successful givers developed extensive positive relationships and connections that also facilitated their success. Successful givers are exquisite examples of individuals demonstrating intelligent compassion.

Compassion through giving

Living with compassion and integrity does not prevent tragedy from occurring in your life. It does, however, help you build resiliency and the personal and communal resources to navigate these challenges. So why not cultivate intelligent compassion? One way to do this is to try a generosity experiment for one month and see how it goes. This involves exploring ways to be giving daily for one month.

I know what you’re thinking. I don’t have the time or money to be generous every day for a month. Keep in mind that generosity does not need to “cost” you anything. You can be generous with your smiles, with kind words, with letting people ahead of you in a line.

Additionally, research shows that generosity pays dividends in your own well-being so the investment is well worth it. Again, don’t take my word for it. Try it for a month. One final piece of advice though. Don’t just “do” generosity as a checklist item that needs to be completed on your to do list. When you act generously, allow yourself to connect with the act and the receiver even for just ten seconds.

You can also cultivate intelligent compassion by engaging in compassion-based practices. Try the “seeing the basic goodness of others” exercise (see below). Remember, for a healthy and successful life demonstrate intelligent compassion and choose to build community and connections.

TRY THIS: Seeing the basic human goodness of others (Kornfield, 2008)

• Begin with the premise that all people have a basic human goodness and nobility of spirit and that we are all connected at this level of our full humanity.
• Start during a day when you are in a good mood.
• Set a clear intention that during the day you will look for the inner nobility and goodness of three people.
• Notice how this perception affects: your interactions with them; your own experience of yourself; your behaviour. (Write/journal this experience)
• Do this 5 more times (save more difficult people for later)
• Next choose one day per week to do this consistently for one to two months
• When you are ready expand to more days; do it on more stressful days; and/or do it with people you find difficult.

In case you missed it — here is part 1 of this topic: