How To Get Out Of A 10 Foot Hole
Lessons on Responsibility
“Man can be tremendously happy or unhappy and he is free to choose. This freedom is hazardous. This freedom is dangerous — because you become responsible” — Osho
I’d like to start this article with a thought experiment. Imagine you fell down a 10-foot hole. Maybe you fell down that hole because someone pushed you in. Maybe you fell down that hole because you were curious about it and fell in as you were exploring. Maybe you just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. A pure accident. How much time do you want to spend figuring out who is to blame for being in the bottom of the hole?
When I present this to my clients, everyone immediately recognizes that figuring out who is to blame is a waste of time, because even if you are accurate, it will not get you out of the hole. Instead, what is important is to work on getting out. Yet in everyday life, I see so many people whose lives are stuck because they insist on focusing on who is to blame for their life’s problems. Or perhaps worse, assuming that if others are indeed to blame then they are not responsible for anything related to their circumstances.
What does it mean to be responsible?
This is a difficult thing to discuss because the actions of others (individuals and systems) do impact us. Additionally, at times others are directly responsible for suffering that we have experienced. When we are victimized by individuals or systems, we are NOT responsible for our victimization. Does this, however, mean that we are powerless?
As Viktor Frankl pointed out when discussing his experience as a concentration camp survivor, our ability to choose our attitude remains even when everything else is taken from us. It struck me as I was reading his story that if he can choose to be responsible for his conduct in that most oppressive of environments, then, in the end, we all still have responsibility for how we choose to face our circumstances. Taking responsibility for ourselves does not abdicate others’ responsibility for their actions but it does refocus our attention to the only place we can exert control — ourselves.
Bill, an inmate I worked with, was a perfect example of someone stuck in his own negative story and belief about the world. Bill had been in jail several times, mostly for stalking and domestic violence offenses. He repeatedly shared stories regarding how his ex-wife and her family took advantage of him and set his life up for failure. He believed that they were the cause of his life problems and frequent prison sentences. When I asked him how long he was separated from his ex-wife he said twenty years… twenty years! I was astounded. Yet he still carried this resentment and he used it to keep himself stuck both in the past and in jail. This resentment was his excuse for not taking responsibility for his life.
A story of Two Travelling Monks
This reminded me of a story I heard once from a Buddhist teacher and I shared this with Bill. There were two monks traveling from one monastery to another for a retreat. This order of monks had a prohibition against touching women. It had rained long and hard the night before their journey and the road ahead was often muddy and difficult to pass. At one such crossing, they met a young attractive woman who was well dressed and studying how she might cross a rather large muddy section without ruining her dress. She was traveling to another town to meet her betrothed. The first monk, with her permission, picked her up and carried her across, and then placed her down. The monks then continued their journey. The second monk did not say a thing. In fact, he did not speak again until they reached the monastery the following evening. The first monk asked him if everything was alright. He finally burst out saying that he has been troubled since the crossing and that he could not stop thinking about what happened. He finally asked the first monk how he could violate the rules of the order by picking up a woman. The first monk simply responded by saying, “I put her down yesterday, why are you still carrying her.”
The moral of the story is that we often carry disturbing events in our minds, playing them over and over again even when the situation has long ended. We carry things with us long past their best before date. Bill was doing the same thing. I had no way of knowing whether he was treated unfairly but I did know that he was stuck because of how he chose to think about his life. He chose to keep his perception of the past hurts he suffered alive every day by how he chose to think about his life and the stories he chose to tell about his life. Remember we become what we consume and we consume the stories we share.* He was keeping himself a prisoner by blaming his ex-wife for his situation. His path to freedom was taking responsibility for his actions and his life. He just couldn’t see that yet because he could not distinguish between blame and responsibility.
Responsibility vs Blame
Often when people come to see me for challenges in their lives they will tell me that they are willing to take some blame for their current circumstances but other people are also to blame. Common ways of saying this include, “it’s a two-way street” or “it takes two to tango.” I refer to this as the blame pie with my clients. To explain this, I typically draw a circle and put a line down the middle and write 50% blame in each half. People tend to nod in agreement. I then cross out the whole thing and draw two or more separate circles and write 100% in each circle. I then explain that we are all 100% responsible for our own choices and action. You are not responsible for another’s choices but you are responsible for your own, including whether you react or respond appropriately to what you have experienced from others. Responsibility means you have the ability to respond. This is true even if you are in circumstances that other people created.
Blaming yourself, by the way, also does not help. Research shows that self-criticism doesn’t lead to responsibility and change but rather to stress and anxiety. People tend to respond to stress and anxiety by using the same self-soothing, avoiding, or reactive strategies for which they are criticizing themselves. Procrastinators will procrastinate more to feel better about feeling bad about procrastinating. Similarly, those who abuse alcohol or drugs will use more alcohol and drugs to feel better about feeling so bad about using alcohol and drugs. People who beat themselves up over not maintaining their diet when they are trying to lose weight tend to then overeat to deal with the stress of the self-criticism and shame of not sticking to their diet.
It turns out that self-compassion is much more effective than being tough on yourself. People who treat themselves kindly are more likely to take responsibility for their challenges and mistakes and make appropriate changes. They are also more likely to listen to feedback and use it to improve and move forward. In general, research shows that in states of compassion individuals tend to increase their sense of accountability and responsibility and engage in more positive behavior.
Understanding responsibility also means understanding what you are not responsible for. You are not responsible for making another person happy (though of course, you can have a positive influence). You are also not responsible for other people’s choices. If you have been victimized, you are not to blame for that victimization. The offender has full responsibility. Your responsibility lies in getting out of that hole. Other’s also have a responsibility here. No one is strong enough to pull you out but if you ask and look there are people who can throw down a rope or ladder to help you, though the climbing remains up to you.
One final note, nothing of what I said precludes us from holding others accountable for their actions. The focus here is on responsibility — theirs and ours. Blame often is used to abdicate responsibility such that even when accurate we can use it as an excuse to perpetuate further violations. Responsibility asks us to be clear about who is responsible for what and to always remember our responsibility even as we hold others accountable for theirs.
I discussed you are what you consume in this article:
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If you are interested in my books you can find them at Amazon, follow the link by clicking on the book title below. You can find the scientific references that support my assertions in the books.
Core Living: 8 Choices for Living Well