avatarWalter Bowne

Summary

The article humorously outlines a 30-step plan for avoiding the act of writing by engaging in various mundane and procrastinating activities.

Abstract

The satirical piece titled "The 30-Step Plan to Avoid Writing" comically illustrates the procrastination habits of a writer. It begins with routine morning activities, such as drinking tea and sorting bills, and quickly escalates into a series of elaborate distractions, including gardening, napping, and questioning the value of one's work. The writer engages in tasks that range from the domestic to the existential, all to avoid the actual process of writing. The article underscores the writer's internal struggle, self-doubt, and the irony of seeking inspiration while actively avoiding the craft. It concludes with the writer's evening reflection, acknowledging the day's wasted potential, and a nod to Emerson's quote on courage.

Opinions

  • The author pokes fun at the tendency of writers to procrastinate and find excuses not to write.
  • There is a clear sense of frustration and self-criticism as the writer reflects on past works and the lack of recent progress.
  • The writer seems to harbor some resentment towards the publishing industry, as indicated by the bitterness over unpaid work and the perception of being taken advantage of.
  • The article suggests that the pursuit of inspiration can become a form of procrastination, with the writer seeking it in everyday activities and nature.
  • The writer experiences a mix of pride and dissatisfaction with their own work, shown by the emotional rollercoaster of reading old stories and the constant revisions.
  • The use of humor masks a deeper existential concern about the value and recognition of the writer's work.
  • The writer's day is portrayed as a cycle of avoidance and self-reflection, highlighting the internal conflict between the desire to create and the fear of failure or rejection.

The 30-Step Plan to Avoid Writing

The modern age makes it as easy as breathing and dying

Photo by author.
  1. Wake up, brew strong, imported black tea. Read news.
  2. Sort through bills.
  3. Take out the trash. Say, “Have a good day” to your wife, kids.
  4. Brew a second cup of tea and find a place to write.
  5. A. Read through old, unpublished works. B. Curse “stupid editors” for not recognizing “genius.”
  6. Check credit card balances online.
  7. Gaze outside.
  8. Balance checkbook.
  9. Check emails.
  10. Open a recent story. Recent update? A month ago. Oh, crap!
  11. A. Read through the story. B. Shake head. C. Shed tears. D. Blow nose. E. Refill tissue box.
  12. A. Turn off the lights. B. Listen to an Audible book. C. Fall asleep.
  13. A. Wake up an hour later. B. In the bathroom with headphones, backtrack on Audible to the last word you recalled hearing. C. Wait? What? Snoozed for two hours and finished Dickens!
  14. Brew third cup of extra strong black tea.
  15. Nibble on muffin from the local bakery.
  16. Go outside to check on roses and azaleas.
  17. Pick a tomato or two.
  18. Pull weeds.
  19. Decide to mulch for an hour using organic compost.
  20. Shower.
  21. Refreshed, type dialogue into the story.
  22. A. Delete dialogue. B. Reword dialogue. C. Add em dash for dialogue like Joyce. D. Smile at your stroke of “genius.” E. Delete dialogue.
  23. A. Pretend to write “fiction” for ten minutes by writing about some dumb old girlfriend. B. Call it roman a clef. C. Nod at your intelligence.
  24. A. Change the name of girlfriend by changing a vowel. B. Chuckle.
  25. Make a sandwich for lunch. Switch to decaf tea.
  26. Send out old work to magazines one’s never heard before.
  27. A. Read old, published stuff to make yourself feel better. B. Cry when you realize you were never paid and your work is being used as “slave labor.” C. Swear on “your grandmother’s grave” never to write for free again!
  28. A. For the rest of the afternoon, take a walk to the Chinese market for inspiration. B. Examine exotic fruit. C. Buy oolong tea. D. Smile at being “cosmopolitan” and “worldly.” E. Walk the long way home. F. Admire the lilies. G. Consider them in a long, ten-minute stare. H. Tell neighbor, “I’m okay. I’m not crazy nor on drugs.” I. Recall Emerson’s quote: “God will not have His work made manifest by cowards.”
  29. A. At dinner when asked, “Did you get much writing done?” just lie and say, “It was a fine day.” B. Under breath, utter: “Coward.”
  30. At night, read a brilliant book from someone who didn’t give a crap about the roses.

More humor of mine from The Haven!

https://the4bownes.medium.com/membershipThank you for reading. Follow me on Medium at Walter Bowne.

Humor
Writing
Writing Life
Comedy
Satire
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