Dearest Writer, We Really Miss You

Literary magazines beg authors to return to writing for free

Beloved Writer,

We noticed you have not submitted any poems or short fiction on Submittable with the required $25 reading fee. We really miss those fees. Well, as the reader, I really miss those fees. Can you blame me? Picture such an erudite and ambitious guy like me working at Dollar General?

I’m publishing one of the best literary magazines in the Dakota Territories — and I can’t do that for free. I know. I know. It took us — me — and my tatted biker BF, like — what? A year to get back to you regarding those delightfully mediocre poems?

Yes — but we — I mean, I promise not to take so long to reject your work.

I may even have the time to offer a line of criticism. And when published you in The Prairie Dog Digest — circulation 500 and growing— you will have your own printed copy!

Best, DeAnna deGruntë Editor

PS: You haven’t been writing for Medium, have you?

Darling Fellow Artist and Kinky Boot Fashionista,

I’m beginning to take this personally. Don’t you know we published your wonderful article online a few years ago? And didn’t we meet at the Willow Wood Book Fair a year ago? It was a delightful, summer morn in Westchester County, am I right? And I encouraged you to enroll in another Master's course where I teach creative writing — you know, the prestigious College of St. Mount Mary Augustine?

Were you upset that you were not published in our widely free publication that we distribute from time to time in the NYC zip code? If it’s any consolation, you may have received more views online — and let’s face it — none of my print writer friends and sisters got a nickel either. But we started you, right? We gave you a platform to reach 20–30 readers.

Please consider sending us more work. And that Master's course is really not that expensive if you break it down per month for the next 30 years — if you live that long, God willing!

Yours In Jesus Christ and Kinky Boots, Sister Mary Jean Immaculata Ignatius, SSND, BA, MA, MFA, BFA, LLC Ms. Stinky Kinky Black Boots Bulletin

Precious Author,

Do you have writer’s block? We hope not! Because we’re here for you. Why haven’t you been submitting to Submittable? Was it those reading fees? Or that we do not — and still don’t — accept simultaneous submissions. Okay — be fair. Think about it from our side. You may have just sent us a great story — and what? Did Glimmer Train finally pick you up?

Think about how we would feel! Listen, if our rejection letters seemed rather snarky, I’m sorry. That was an intern from Smith, and you know how they get, especially with an English degree. I dated her for about three months, but I didn't like her work, or what she thought was literature, and she didn't shave her legs, so, you know, being a white male whose daddy started this lit magazine for me after I graduated from Vassar, I fired her.

Now, I’m trying to get my submissions up. I only had twenty last week, and I had to reject them all. Do you know how it is? Now, I need to write copy, and my daddy said he may stop using this lit mag as a cover for his, well — “side hustles.” Not that he washes money here. Just dries it a little. Please submit, and I’ll allow you to send an MS to only three other places. Okay?

We’re also running our annual contest. The cost to enter has been lowered to $50 per submission. The judge this year is the author of Vampire Bitches Breed in My Basement, a hot and talented YA author.

Cheers, Wallace Byron McShysterson, MFA Peppermint Lips and Lacy Undergarments Journal

BTW, If you’re writing on Medium, what do 60 million potential readers know? JS.

Dearest Patron of the Arts,

We saw that you have unsubscribed from our email list. What have we done to deserve this? Sure, we never paid you a dime for some of the great work you gave us. And yes — you did win that award and we featured you on our website and had a small celebration in our university office with mixed fruit punch and pretzels that I stole from my mother’s house just down the road. How could we possibly pay you?

Who do you think you are? F. Fucking Scott Fitzgerald. Well, wonder-writer-boy, this ain’t the 1920s anymore. Do you know how little the University gives us to run this prestigious magazine? And what? Do we have the money that the Saturday Evening Post once had?

What, do you think you’re slave labor, and I’m the plantation owner? Wait. Ok. I can see that. But how about if we give you ten free copies of the quarterly journal? How about if my hot professor mom — or dad — I’m not sure about your sexual preference, promises to provide “private tutoring” if you know what I mean? They just divorced, and I think they’re lonely. I know I’m lonely. I have so few great works to reject!

Please, please, please, send us work! I promise to mend my ways! I just can’t teach any more adjunct classes. That’s slave labor, too, man! I’m forty — and I need to start a family!

Yours, Earnestly, Ernie Wilde-Shaw, MA, MFA Surrealistic Slippers Magazine

Dearest Subscriber,

We just noticed you have not renewed Duotrope. How will you track all those MS you have sent out over the years? Our fee of $50 is quite small. Haven’t we helped you find niche markets — and what editors from around the world are looking for? You said what you made last year did not cover the $50. Are you sure? Or are you lying? Perhaps your work just isn’t good enough for The Atlantic or The New Yorker!

Maybe you just need to network harder — and seduce an intern in New York. Writing these days is about 10% writing, and 90% philandering, right? If you renew, we will give you half off for the next year. Please reconsider this valuable service to great writers like you! Please don’t let us down. And if you’re writing for Medium pubs, please STOP!

Regards, CB.GB, Esquire Duotrope, Inc, LLC

Audio link here. More humor of mine from The Haven!