On Second Thought
Yuletide Takeover at the Manger
Animals now have ‘dominion over Earth,’ says Supreme Being
After thousands of years, the Supreme Being has reversed course.
The Supreme Being (SB) made the Major Announcement through the Pope at the Vatican using a Babel-Fish translator. The “lamb” image is no longer just “symbolic.”
The Lamb is now to be actually followed— literally — and not as a passive, docile, cute-and-cuddly creature, easy to control, and then slaughtered.
Shaking in Saint Peter’s Square, a startled-looking Pope looked knackered, exhausted, drained, after a prolonged shriek into what can only be called an Epiphany of his “long dark night of the soul.”
“It’s not every day that what we have felt and believed for two millennia has now been suddenly changed,” The Pontiff said in Italian. “But I have had my moment on the mountain, and my mountain has been laid low.”
The Pope declared that the SB had taken a hundred-year “vacation” from watching Their Creation on Earth. Other Creations were either more interesting or needed help.
But once They saw what had been happening during the last ten decades, They knew Change was needed. They had seen this coming “ever since Cain killed Abel, actually.”
The SB was appalled at the wars and the genocides of the last century. “Horrified at the utter disregard” for such easy commands as “thou shalt not kill” — was how They declared it.
“It’s as if We said, ‘Please kill as many as possible,” The Pope said, paraphrasing the SB. “And that whole message of “Love your neighbor as yourself,” is just not being followed. “Neighbors don’t gas, torture, or place children in cages, you morons!”
The SB declared that many “Christians” were merely CINOs — Christian in Name Only. In tears, The Pope admitted, “and don’t get Them started on what They said about what has been done in the name of our religions.”
The SB was quite upset after watching Stanley Kubrick’s 1964 satirically dark film, “Dr. Strangelove.” The end of the film made Them laugh and then cry. Then They got furious — knowing that “toxic Adamic-idiots with phallus small and brains even smaller are in command in most countries with terrifying weapons that none of Their “prophets” would ever carry.
A Lamb or a Donkey or a Dog would never endanger the environment with such nukes and drones and tribal rivalry and ethnic cleansing and stand your ground shootings and racial hatred.
“Jonathan Swift’s classic, Gulliver’s Travels also resonated with SB,” The Pontiff said. “Swift was right. Humans are actually Yahoos!”
As far as “Planet of the Apes,” the SB didn’t want Charlton Heston to be right when he says, “You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!”
The Pope was shocked at SB’s knowledge of film and literature that was secular in nature.
“Divine Intervention was needed,” The Pope said. “We’ve seen the Napalm in ‘Nam, man, and We’re not happy with Man, you know.”
The “Beasts of Burden” are now endowed with powers of Reason, Logic, and Empathy. Lambs and Horses and Camels will now dictate, with a direct line of control in line with Plato’s “Republic.”
The animals are now in control — the higher life forms.
The Pope, as if about to collapse, said “stupid Yahoos who lack logic and reason and love can no longer be trusted to elect leaders.”
Upon this last statement, a Lamb, a Donkey, and a Camel — a New Trinity — trotted forth and called for a “new day” in angelic-like voices at St. Peter’s.
“Behold — you have treated our kind like loose green shit for thousands of years,” The Lamb said. “And you even denied we had feelings and a soul. We will not slaughter and eat you — or keep you trapped in cages for more succulent meat — but we will work hard to undo the damage done in order to save yourselves from yourselves — and to save our own asses — as well as the actual asses, our brethren.”
“I am the Lamb! An actual Lamb — no abstract symbolism here that can be warped to suit Toxic Humans. Behold! I am a Lamb! And my name is Jordan! And We greet you on a New Day — Donkey here is named Wynn— Camel is Parker.”
“There is no He or She. We are just Creatures. Stop with simplistic binary thinking, you turd-brains!”
“There is no need to worship us,” Jordan said over the body of the collapsed Pope — “but you will need to listen to us, and obey us. You have done a super job of royally fucking everything that is good and wholesome. And don’t blame Lucifer, either — you scapegoating tiny brain whimperers! We’re here to clean house in the name of the SB — who happens to be named Quinn. And Quinn can rain down some crazy shit upon y’all, right!”
Then, like in Episode V — The Return of the Jedi — all the Major and Minor Prophets — from Inanna to Abraham to Zoraster to Bahá’u’lláh — appeared in radiance to reinforce the “Unity and Oneness of Earthly Life.”
Like a Greek chorus, they chanted, “We believed in humans. We were wrong. You fucked with our essential teachings, and condoned things like greed and slavery and racism and sexism and environmental destruction. Now let’s get together, love one another right now, for the times — they are indeed a-changin’!”
Thank you for reading this satire. Happy Holidays.