The 12 Most Common Ways People Put Their Partners Off Sex
Putting pressure on your partner over the orgasm, making your partner doubt their attractiveness, not understanding true bedroom equality, and much more
The key to a good sex life is creating an environment where your partner feels safe and comfortable to be who they are and to have the sex they want. Any person who creates such an environment for their partner will in all probability have a great sex life.
However, many of us screw up in our efforts to do this. Here are the top 12 ways how, and how to avoid them.
Not giving your partner what they want
People want what they want, and sometimes that want won’t match with what you want to give. However, some people struggle to grasp this and so instead of giving their partner what they want, they instead give their partner what they want to give them.
I dated a guy like this once, he thought he was so amazingly giving and he was in a way, but the problem was the things he liked to give were not the things I especially wanted.
So, he wasn’t actually giving, he was giving what he wanted but he was not giving me what I wanted. When I tried to express this to him, he simply could not understand the problem.
The fact that this is common is a big reason why many people put their partners off sex i.e. if you are not giving your partner what they want, they are not likely to be super excited about having sex with you.
The best way to ensure that you give your partner what they want is to make certain that you truly listen to them over their likes, and work to give them what it is they actually want. The reward typically is they do the same for you in return.
A failure to understand what bedroom equality truly is
There are two trains of thought, there is real equality and then there is like-for-like equality. Many people when it comes to sex get trapped in the latter rather than the former, and this is bad because like-for-like equality is the path to inequality.
Here is why, imagine two genderless entities whose sole aim is to seek out bedroom equality. One gives the other oral sex, then, because they believe in like-for-like equality, expects to receive oral sex in return. This may seem like the path to equality in this situation.
However, it’s not. Equality is about finding balance, which means you have to know each other’s likes and dislikes because only then can you work out when one person is giving, and the other person is receiving.
For example, sticking to the two genderless entities, what if one of them loves giving and receiving oral sex, but the other does not? Here is what happens in this situation, when the one who loves giving gives oral sex, they are getting what they want, but the one receiving is not, they are giving the other what they want.
So, even though the one giving oral sex may seem to be the one giving something in this situation, they are not, they are the one being given what they want. For there to be equality, that means the one giving oral sex now needs to give the other one something they want.
The fact a lot of people don’t understand this dynamic, and the fact that this dynamic stretches even to outside the bedroom, is why many people end up putting their partners off sex.
The way to avoid this pitfall is to learn your partner’s likes and dislikes, that way you will be able to identify when it is you being given something by your partner — and that means both inside and outside the bedroom. Only when you know when your partner is giving you something, can you find true equality in a relationship.
Putting pressure on them over their orgasm
When I was 18, I dated a guy in his late 20s and the first time we had sex, he did not last long — he virtually ejaculated the moment he entered me. This had happened countless times with other guys, and I always just saw it as one of those things.
After all, guys rarely intend to do it and rarely get anything out of it. And in most cases, you just wait a little bit and then go again. It’s not even a big deal.
This time we did not have time to go again, and the next time we had sex when it happened again, we didn’t have time again, and I made a big deal of it. I believe in my just having reached adult splendour, I gave him a lecture about inequality, especially in the bedroom. I told him that he had killed the mood. That he had come, and I had not, and it was not right.
It was a big mistake, because the next time we had sex his attitude was different, it was tentative and nervous. It never became anything else; he’d gone from enthusiastic to being anything but. As such, the relationship did not last long, I killed it before it could even start by putting pressure on him over his performance in the bedroom.
The fact that many people do this, whether that be through pressuring someone not to orgasm, or pressuring someone to orgasm, is a common reason why people put their partners off sex.
The way to avoid this pitfall is to avoid ever putting pressure on your partner over performance, especially in regard to orgasm. After all, sex is supposed to be fun, not a pressure cooker where both parties are obsessed about when or whether each other orgasms.
Putting pressure on yourself over an orgasm
A certain way to kill your sex life is to put pressure on yourself about whether you orgasm or not and how fast you orgasm or not. Sex is a lot more than an orgasm and how long it takes to reach one and whether your partner gets there first or not. However, many of us tend to lose sight of this.
For example, I’ve always struggled to orgasm, it used to frustrate me a lot. Even when I masturbate, I struggle. I used to constantly bring that frustration into the bedroom.
The problem is, frustration kills bedrooms because it’s not fun having sex with someone who is constantly angry and frustrated with themselves over how their body is functioning.
The fact that many people are led to believe that the way their body functions — especially when it comes to orgasm — is everything when it comes to sex is a common reason why many people put their partners off sex.
The way to avoid this pitfall is to stop worrying about when or whether you orgasm, and to instead just focus on having pleasurable fun with your partner. After all, if a man ejaculates prematurely, it does not have to mean the end of sex, and just because a woman — or man — has not ejaculated does not mean the sex has not been pleasurable.
Putting pressure on yourself over your appearance
If every time you have sex, all you are doing is thinking about how you look and how your partner feels about how you look, you’re not likely going to have great sex.
I know this because I used to have this worry — as a lot of women do. Every time I had sex all I was doing was wondering what my partner was thinking about my appearance.
The answer of course was he was highly into it, which was why they were so joyfully having sex with me. The fact that I couldn’t see this meant that I was not only killing my own sexual enjoyment but also my partners, because I was always less keen to have sex and less into it and open with it when I was having it.
I even used to hate having sex with the light on. I’m not alone in this, many people, and not just women, are in the same boat. But we shouldn’t be, because there is no need to be.
The bedroom is supposed to be a safe space, and if a person is having sex with you, it’s a fair bet that it’s because they think you’re hot and want to — meaning you have no reason to worry about your appearance.
The fact that a lot of people do worry about their own appearance during sex is a common reason why people put their partners off sex i.e. they kill their own enthusiasm for the bedroom to such a high level that they also kill their partners.
This is why a great way to improve your sex life is to let go of fears over your appearance and instead embrace your partner’s desire for you. It’s amazing how when you do this you start to understand just how hot they find you.
Not understanding your partner’s body hangups
After the birth of my son, my partner would now and then while we were having sex grab my rubber tyre (the leftover excess fat on my stomach from the pregnancy). He would tell me he loved it and was doing it as an act of endearment.
I understood that, but I had severe body hangups from school due to some of the nasty comments I got over my appearance — mainly from the girls, and mainly about my midriff.
As such, I hated him doing it and hated the rubber tyre, and his actions unwittingly made me less interested in having sex because I felt less confident. So, he had been trying to boost my confidence, provide assurance, but in doing so had the opposite effect by bringing up past trauma.
The fact a lot of people make mistakes like this is a common reason why so many put their partners off sex.
A great way to avoid this pitfall is to make certain you understand fully your partner’s body hang-ups, and how to provide assurance to them over those hangups.
Criticising your partner’s appearance — either intentionally or unintentionally
If you criticise your partner’s appearance in any way, it will affect not only their feelings of self-worth but their feelings in regard to what you think of them, especially in regard to attractiveness. If your partner questions how attractive you think they are, inevitably, they are not going to desire to have sex with you as much.
That means if you think your partner has a wonky nose, don’t tell them that — a guy I was dating actually said that to me once. And if your partner tells you that they have a wonky nose and that they are unhappy with it, for Christ’s sake, don’t tell them to get plastic surgery — like a guy once did with me — tell them you love their nose.
The fact that many people don’t seem to get this is why many people put their partners off sex.
The way to avoid this pitfall is to not criticise your partner’s appearance either directly or indirectly, instead, do what you’re supposed to do, provide them with assurance over their appearance. A better sex life awaits those who do.
Shooting down your partner after they have dressed up for you
A friend of mine dressed up in some sexy lingerie for an ex-partner of hers. He was not a fan of it and told her it didn’t suit her.
He tried to explain himself by saying that he just didn’t like her in it and preferred her in other things. He tried to claim that he wasn’t criticising her and was just letting her know his preferences.
Maybe he was, maybe he wasn’t, in the end, it didn’t matter. What mattered was that he was telling his partner that despite all the effort she had put in, he did not think she looked hot because of what she was wearing, and that only if she wore something else would she look hot enough for him.
He may not have believed he was saying this, but he was. The fact that many people make similar mistakes is why many people end up putting their partners off sex.
The way to avoid this pitfall is to always remember that if your partner has dressed up for you, be thankful for their efforts and show your thanks.
Having bad hygiene
Imagine if when your partner goes down on you what they taste is a mixture of sweat and urine, and imagine if because you had a number two on the toilet, and you have only used toilet paper, they smell poo as well. How do you think they will feel?
Imagine if you have thrush, yeast problems or a female-only problem, BV, and yet you let your partner go down on you, or want your partner to go down on you when you have such problems. How do you think they will feel?
The fact that many people don’t understand the answer to this question is a common reason why many put their partners off sex.
The way to avoid this pitfall is to of course always practice good hygiene and, even more than that, to always think of ways to keep your partner happy and safe in the bedroom — especially while pleasuring you.
Shaming your partner over their smell
Some people just have a strong natural odour, they can practice perfect hygiene, they can shower regular, they can even get their diet perfect and get super fit and healthy and yet still the strong odour is there.
I once knew someone like this, a work colleague. She just had a strong natural odour, and she was super conscious and ashamed of this. What shocked me though was that she told me that her partner would not have sex with her in any way unless she first had a shower.
Think about how damaging that demand is. If you love someone, the aim is not to shame them and make them feel super conscious about their flaws, it’s to work with them to find workable solutions to problems.
The fact a lot of people don’t seem to get this and so shame their partners over their smell is a common reason why many people put their partners off sex.
The way to avoid this pitfall is to accept your partner as they are, and to work with them in a shame-free environment to help them with any problems they have, you don’t deserve them otherwise.
Getting angry when your partner highlights you are smelly down there
This may seem contradictory based upon the last point, but if you practice bad hygiene and your partner highlights you are smelly down there, you have no foot to stand on so have no right to get angry. All you should do is head to the bathroom, clean up, and then get back to it.
But even if you have practised good hygiene, unless they are cruel in how they highlight it, or you have a problem like in the previous point and they know you can’t help it, you should not be getting angry or upset. Quite the opposite. You should be thanking them.
Here is why, everyone has a natural smell down there, it’s totally normal, and sometimes that smell becomes especially potent — this counts for both guys and girls — it is just one of those unavoidable things. It sucks, but mostly it will be back to normal in a short timeframe, so it is not a big deal.
However, sometimes that smell is a sign of something going wrong. It could be a sign of thrush in a man, or a yeast infection or BV in a woman. These are all small problems that are easily fixed, though if they aren’t picked up quickly, they can become more troublesome and can be passed on. Regardless, they aren’t the biggest of deals, but it could be a big deal, because the smell could be a sign of cancer along with other serious conditions.
This is why it is imperative that your partner feels comfortable and able to tell you if you smell bad down there.
The fact many people don’t create such a safe place for a partner to do this is a common reason why people put their partners off sex. The way to avoid this pitfall is to create a safe place where if you are smelly, your partner has the confidence to be able to tell you without fear of upsetting you or you getting angry.
Shaming your partner over their kinks
When it comes to sex, everyone has their likes and dislikes, and everyone especially has their kinks. Many of those kinks are out there, and that’s fine, as long as they are consensually done there is nothing wrong with any kink and there is nothing weird about any kink.
For example, I dated a guy years back who liked to role-play where he would be a puppy and I would have to pet him. I have to say, this was not something that I was particularly into, but the fact that he loved it meant that I did it and I did enjoy it because he loved it.
I could have simply said I wasn’t into it; I could have said it was weird. I didn’t because it wasn’t, it was just a kink. Because I saw it as that we had a great sex life.
A friend of mine was not so kind, she was dating a pilot and thought he was a real man’s man, and seemed to like the idea of him as a man’s man. However, when he expressed that he liked to dress up as a woman and be pegged, rather than her simply accepting his kink and embracing it, she shamed him over it. It totally killed their sex life.
The fact that a lot of people shame their partners over their kinks is perhaps the most common reason why many people put their partners off sex.
The way to avoid this pitfall is to make certain you never intentionally or unintentionally shame your partner over their kinks, or even better, make certain to embrace your partner’s kinks. Sex becomes amazing when you do.
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