POLITICS & PUPPETS

Elon Musk Should Take the Speaker’s Gavel

He’s weird & his employees call him “Elmo” — all the more reason

Elon Musk CEO (for now) Twitter San Francisco, CA 94103

Dear Elmo: Do you mind if I call you Elmo? I understand the majority of your new Twitter employees refer to you as the shaggy, red-hued, squeaky-voiced Muppet from Sesame Street. Not because you are kind, and for goodness’ sakes, not because you are curious. Just because one of these things sounds quite a bit like the other.

Whassup, Big E?!? So much, I imagine, between wrecking Twitter, sending filthy rich dipshits into space and building those EVs that no one wants anymore.

I’ve got a suggestion for you, pal. And it might just get you out of the “Why don’t I own the whole world anymore?” funk you’ve been in lately.

There’s a game you should consider getting into out East in DC. Seems like the Republicans, who allegedly “control” the U.S. House of Representatives, are having a difficult time trying to figure out who’s in charge. Thought you could help, what with your superior management skills and all.

And, bonus points here— Whoever gets elected Speaker of the House becomes the second in line behind the vice president to become president.

There’s a congressperson out there, name of Kevin McCarthy. Poor guy — he’s been trying in, like, forever, to become the Speaker of the House. That’s the person in charge of one half of Congress, in case you didn’t ace the civics portion of your citizenship test. A gal named Nancy Pelosi — stop me if you’ve heard this one before — was in charge of the House until yesterday. And that was when politicians on what’s known as the “House Side” of Capitol Hill were supposed to pick her replacement.

But golly, did they have a dickens of a time trying to get things right. First, McCarthy — the guy who’s been leading the Repubs, on and off, for the past few years — just assumed he was gonna be in charge. So he moved his congressperson accoutrement —staff, papers, pens, probably some computers and a big ol’ leather chair commensurate with his impending stature and perfect for napping — into the big ol’ fancy suite of offices Pelosi had just vacated.

The joke, of course, will be on Kev and his merry band of misfits if he loses the vote to be the Speaker. And I’ll bet he gets billed double for moving expenses.

This is where you come in, Elmo.

If you keep up with all things DC you probably saw this, but those of us who are regular Americans might have missed the nuances.

The House held a vote to elect the Speaker. Happens every two years, like clockwork. The result is often a forgone conclusion. A pro forma deal, if you will.

But things just didn’t go Kevin McCarthy’s way. The Clerk of the House called upon all 435 congresspersons to vote. And vote they did, failing to get Kev enough “ayes” to put him over the top.

OK, that kinda stuff hadn’t gone down up there on Capitol Hill in more than a century. But politicians are a resolute bunch, so they tried again. Kev lost that round, too.

And then — you guessed it, Elmo — they tried one more time. Let’s just say Kevin McCarthy was a Loser x 3 Tuesday afternoon.

This isn’t the first time in Congress that McCarthy has mis-played his hand.

• He admitted that the Benghazi hearings were held for the sole purpose of wrecking Hillary Clinton’s career. He and his comrades didn’t give a rat’s good patoot about the four Americans killed in 2012. Please don’t tell your Great Aunt Trudy the whole Benghazi thing was just a stunt. She’d probably hate to hear that a politician, of all people, was making a cynical play for her vote.
• If he succeeds in his quest to be Speaker of the House, McCarthy will be the first Speaker not fluent in the English language. Just a couple of weeks ago, for example, he announced, “We’re Christmas season.” We are?
• A little before that, McCarthy complained about Democrats: “Did they learn nothing in the last month election?…Now they want to jam the American public in exactly what they want to do.” I was a high school English teacher, and even I can’t comfortably digest that murkey serving of split pea soup.

In my humble opinion, you can do so much better, Elmo.

Come to find out there’s no requirement in the Constitution mandating the Speaker of the House be a member of Congress. In my humble opinion, Elmo, that would bode well for you. Seeing as how you like to meddle in every little thing.

Hey, if you come out to DC to look into a gig as Speaker of the House, I’m sure it would take your mind off all your other troubles. And you’re imminently qualified, my friend! Aren’t you the one who:

• says that real people live inside video games? Please tell my SIL. She’s overly concerned that her son doesn’t get enough person-to-person interaction, what with all his engagement with platforms hosting Madden and Call of Duty.
• says that we can save humanity by colonizing Mars? Well, I guess it’s a good way to get rid of those cloying, annoying sycophants who must trouble you daily. Just send them 62.325 million miles away, OK? Totally doable!
• says that you used to be an alien? I’m no racist, but I guess that would depend on when you immigrated from South Africa. And your status when you got here. Some in charge decades ago referred to folks like you as “illegal aliens.” Sad, but true.

See, the competition isn’t even close, is it? I think you should go for it, Elmo! The House of Representatives ground through a second day of this sad Will-He-Won’t-He-Become-Speaker-of-the-House drama on Wednesday. Kevin McCarthy has been rejected six times now by his congressional colleagues. He vows to try again on Thursday.

Here’s the deal, Elmo: You need to help put the poor guy out of his misery.

I can tell you’ve sorta got a “savior” complex, don’tcha? When you swooped in to the Twitter HQ and started throwing sinks and whatnot around the place, I knew it was more than the fact that you just adored pissing away $44 billion.

You’re much more of a weirdo than Kevin McCarthy, Elmo, and so much, much more electable. Go to DC, post-haste! Get there today, don’t delay!

I’d hurry if I were you. Before your Twitter employees started asking you how to get to Sesame Street.

I Believe in You! Brooke