SADLY, NOT FAKE NEWS

Does *maga* Make Me Look Stupid?

Time to give this “worm” a swift kick in the keister

Congress Worm Lauren Boebert U.S. Capitol Washington, D.C. 20515

Dear Congress Worm: I hope you don’t mind me using the above moniker. I picked it up from comedian Jimmy Kimmel, who has, among other things, also called you “Congress Demon” and “Klan Mom” — or was that last your buddy from Georgia, the creepy blonde who looks like she eats the iron she’s supposed to be pumping in her Crossfit gym?

Anyway, both you bimbos have the grey matter — or, I should say, lack thereof — to prove it.

I didn’t set out to write you this friendly lil note to talk about another moron who also lacks the brains she was born with. I want to talk about you, Congress Worm, and your apparent allergy to the truth.

Oh, and you have a terrible habit of tweeting the most terrible thing that comes to your mind. It’s like you have no filter — which in the case of an idiot like you, just opens up the filthy floodgates to contaminate the rest of us.

I guess you wonder where all this vitriol is coming from. I normally would just squash an insect like you under my shoe, and go about my business, but you’ve got my hackles up. Or, I should say, your friends on that micro-blogging site do.

It’s not enough that the Elon Musk wannabes at Twitter let you get away with lies, obfuscation, and wall-to-wall guns on both your congressional and campaign sites. Now they’re going after good, honest Americans like me —I’m guessing because you’re too much of a snowflake to take even an ounce of criticism.

Anyway, here’s something you tweeted at the beginning of the month. I’ll bet you thought is was pretty harmless, huh?

It’s not like I spend a great deal of time monitoring your Twitter accounts, nor any time at all trying to translate what you’re trying to say. I have too much respect for myself. But this tweet struck me as strange, since it was apparently aimed at President Biden. It should have come as a response to his anti-*maga* remarks in Philly, but appeared online before the President even began to speak.

Gosh, it’s almost like you’re too stupid to write your own tweets, which is a pretty low bar. Do you follow a script, perhaps authored by those dumpy lick-spittles down in Mar-a-Stinko? The only reason that came to mind was because of what I received in response to my response to you.

If you’re keeping up (I know it’s difficult with what passes for a turnip up top there in your noggin), I responded — I guess you get my drift — to your tweet.

“Nah,” I wrote to your campaign account, “you need a swift kick in the keister.”

That was it. But what came next told me that perhaps you’re in cahoots with those who are in charge. Or maybe the Twitsters feel sorry for you, because you’re so small and so small-minded, as they say.

What’s up, Buttercup? If you and your Twitter Protectors aren’t in the know, keister is a German word that means butt. My German-born Opa often offered to kick my cousins, I’m told, in that body part. Not that he ever touched them, but you get my drift.

Can’t take a snide comment from someone who clearly disagrees with you? Is this the reason you feel the need to arm yourself to the teeth?

Are you afraid of folks like me?

In case you were wondering, I went with Twitter Option #1, deleting my “offensive” tweet.

You and your patented *maga* BS don’t mean enough to me to disrupt my entire online existence. I don’t need to justify anything I say to you. You’re regurgitating enough on your own to bury any message you think you might be communicating under a pile of ghost-written rhetoric.

I can only wonder why wacky *maga* wannabes like you don’t know the meaning of a word like keister. It’s been in our common vocabulary in this great country for, like, ever. Not that you would know anything about language. You probably speak “American,” am I right?

And I’m pretty dang sure you don’t know a damn thing about satire. That’s what I was going for. I guess I just missed the mark.

Hey, it’s not just me, Congress Worm. I know the bar is low, but there’s a reason you’re considered “The Dumbest Member of Congress.”

Just look at what you said after the murders of 19 4th-graders and two of their teachers in Uvalde, Texas, in May.

“When 9/11 happened, we didn’t ban planes,” you tweeted. “We secured the cockpits.”

What does that even mean? Here are a few thoughts from your fellow Twitterers:

• When you look the word “DUMB” up in the dictionary, Lauren Boebert’s picture comes up! — Mayra Photography
• Lauren Boebert proves daily that she’s literally functioning without any measurable brain waves — cjmmn
• I have a plastic house plant that’s smarter than Lauren Boebert. — JoJofromJerz
• There are so many things wrong with this, but I’ll key in on this: airport security has gotten so much tighter since 9/11. I can’t even wear shoes going through security anymore. When a few planes killed a bunch of people we made air travel safer. Why can’t we do that with guns? — Sam Quinn

I could go on, Congress Worm, but I have a life. I’ll just end this, and conclude, as congress-folks sometimes say, by repeating something twitterized by a man who claims to create “handcrafted, small batch, farm-to-table tweets. often wrong, but never in doubt.”

You’ve been officially dubbed “a truly prolific master of her craft.” Thank you for hitting the nail on the pin-head, connectpoliticditto.

And to you, Congress Worm, Brava!

Congrats, or something, A Concerned American