Telling Your Kids About Your Sexual Revolution in an Age-Appropriate Way

I speak openly to my teen about my exploration of sex and polyamory

When my front door opened unexpectedly one afternoon, I assumed it was my husband coming home early from work. It wasn’t an unusual occurrence for him.

I was sitting on the couch chatting with my new partner. He was someone I’d been dating for a while — a married father of two kids whose wife had a live-in partner of her own. They were a poly family, and it was a lifestyle I admired — especially since I was having trouble with how to talk to my own kid about it.

My partner’s body was angled toward mine, leaning in close. I sat facing him, my legs crossed beneath me. His hand rested on my thigh, his grip nice and tight as I absorbed every word coming out of that beautiful, wildly intelligent mouth of his.

My husband had met this partner once before, and so I thought nothing of the intimate way we were sitting or the hand on my leg when the door opened. At that point, my hubby was at ease enough to hang out with his metamours (aka, my partners).

Imagine my surprise when it was not actually my husband, but my teenage son who walked in the door instead. He was supposed to be picked up from school by his stepmom that day and stay at his dad’s house for the weekend. Instead, without communicating anything to me, she had instructed him to walk to my house from school because she was running late.

When my kid came through the door and saw me talking intimately with another man he’d never met, I felt a flood of emotions.

I felt guilty and dishonest, like I’d been caught doing something wrong by the child I only ever wanted to set a good example for. I felt like a failure of a mother. I felt sexual shame, despite the fact that I’d always taught my kid not to be ashamed of safe, consensual sexual exploration.

I felt these negative emotions because I’d been taught by religion and society to feel them.

There shouldn’t have been anything to feel guilty about. This wasn’t a dangerous person I was bringing into my house. This was someone I trusted as a friend that could be invited in. Any platonic friend would have been invited over by that point and introduced to my son as well. I just happened to be having sex with — and falling in love with — this one.

Part of me also felt like a mom who’d dropped the ball when it came to sharing big life changes with her child. Maybe I should have talked to him earlier. Maybe I should have helped him prepare mentally and emotionally in case a situation just like this one popped up.

When it comes to talking to our children about shifting relationship dynamics — whether it’s divorce, new relationships, or ethical non-monogamy — when is it the right time?

Helping kids feel okay with sex talks

As parents, there are certain aspects of our sexual lives that we never want to disclose to our children.

Does my 16-year-old son ever need to know I’m a natural sexual submissive? That I love BDSM and the kink community? That I sometimes need rough, adventurous sex from a partner I love and trust?

No. A son does not need to know all the gritty details about his mom’s sex life.

I’m happy to talk to him in an educational way about the BDSM community in general — and I have before, based on things he’s seen or heard now that it’s much more mainstream than it used to be. (YAY!)

I’ve always tried to discuss sexual health and wellness with my son in an open and honest way, and it’s part of why he feels so comfortable talking to me about his own issues and relationships.

More recently, he told me that he and his girlfriend would likely become sexually active soon and asked me questions about buying condoms. I’m not sure how many parents can say their kids feel safe enough to disclose something like that.

I treasure that trust and communication between me and my teenager. It’s something I didn’t have with my parents, and I always wanted to make sure my kid was comfortable enough to come to me for anything — advice, help, problems, etc.

When I started exploring polyamory, my son and I were in opposite roles. I needed to go to him and tell him something about my relationship — something big — and I was dreading it.

But my new lifestyle was suddenly starting to affect him directly, so it was time to have a frank discussion with my teenager about my own sex life.

You can answer your kids’ questions honestly without TMI

Back when polyamory was brand new to me, my husband and I didn’t know what we were doing or exactly what our relationships would look like. I believed we had to find out for ourselves first before I knew how to explain it to my kid.

And if I’m being perfectly honest, I did somehow think I could keep motherhood and ethical non-monogamy completely separate until my son went off to college or moved out.

I thought maybe, possibly, when he was an adult living outside the home, I’d reveal to him that I date, have sex with, and fall in love with other people even though I’m married — and that can be a perfectly healthy and happy lifestyle for those who practice it safely and consensually.

I thought he needed to be an adult before I could talk to him about this very adult phase of my life.

That, my dear friends, was a ridiculous fleeting fantasy.

“Uncomfortable” was an understatement when it came to telling my kid I was polyamorous. It brought up those same feelings of dread and shame that I experienced as a child.

My parents really had trouble talking to me and my sister about sex or our bodies in any way. Probably because of the way they were raised. It was a perpetual cycle, and I felt like I couldn’t ask them questions because I knew they felt so uncomfortable talking to us about it.

I didn’t want the same thing with my son.

I wanted to break that cycle of shame and discomfort surrounding sex, but for some reason, telling him about my new polyamorous lifestyle was a big lift. I could talk to him about so many other sex topics that would affect him — like safety and consent. And I could tell him about polyamory in general, and how we should respect all relationships if they are healthy.

But I wanted to run for the hills instead of telling him about my love life because it was mine, and it was very, very personal. But it was impacting him now, so he had to be informed with enough information that was appropriate to our relationship.

We set aside time a couple days after he met my “friend.” We walked a long trail and I opened up to him about how his stepdad and I aren’t compatible in some ways, and that we’d both agreed we could see other people if we wanted.

It wasn’t easy. I felt awkward, and my kid had lots of questions and asked them freely.

He was curious, surprised, and didn’t hesitate to ask if my relationships were sexual.

I was honest with him about the fact that yes, some were. But also that it was more than that for me. I felt like his stepdad couldn’t meet all of my needs, and I couldn’t meet all of his, and our decision to date others made me the happiest I’ve ever been.

I said it just like that, without getting into details that my teenager didn’t need to hear about my sex life.

It felt really good to get the air cleared between us, and he continued asking me questions for months after that, whenever he had them.

They already know something’s up

If you and your spouse suddenly change your relationship dynamic, even if you never bring other partners home, even if you decide to totally separate your non-monogamy life from your home life, kids have some wild spidey senses. They’re going to know something’s up, even if they can’t pinpoint it exactly.

They’ll hear or see something that clues them in on some shift, and they’ll either feel comfortable enough to ask you about it, or they’ll put pressure on themselves to keep it hidden out of fear or shame or protection for you.

And it’s not on them to carry those burdens for us.

If you and your spouse have kids and decide to shift to the kind of life-changing polyamory that brings with it close friendships and love and long-term partners — you’ll have to tell your children at some point, with enough information that is appropriate to their age.

You’ll also have to talk to your kids about how open they can be to others about your lifestyle. Can they talk to other family members about it? Can they tell their friends? Do you have to hide your lifestyle because it would have serious negative consequences for your family or your job?

You’ll have to go over all of that with them.

When I decided to start rebelling against society and pursue my sexual revolution, there was a point where a shift in the wind became quite obvious to my teen. We’re close, and we don’t miss much with each other’s moods.

When I was caught mid-date with a new partner, I didn’t want my son to think his mom was hiding something from his stepdad. I wanted him to know we were being safe and honest and consensual, and that everyone was okay.

At that point, I knew it was time to have a serious and vulnerable talk with him.

My communication could have gone more smoothly, and I made things a bit rocky for my kid with a “better late than never” approach. But in the end, we were able to work it out and move on with a stronger mom-son bond than ever.

None of us know what we’re doing as parents

Seeking education from parenting experts and therapists can be a big help, but don’t forget that you are the one with the most expertise on your kids because you know them the best.

Even so, none of us really know what the heck we’re doing as parents. Not even the experts have all the answers. And realizing that bit of truth can set you free — knowing that we can only do our best.

I’ve made mistakes as a mom. My son has made mistakes too. And I’ve made it a point to teach him that we all make mistakes, and it’s how we learn and grow.

We need to work to fix mistakes when we can, but we also need to have love, compassion, and empathy for one another as imperfect beings.

I’m sure some people look at my situation and judge me for making all the wrong decisions with my son.

There are many people out there who believe that parents engaged in ethical non-monogamy are really messing up our kids something extra, just by being in multiple relationships that don’t follow the traditional rules of society or religion. (Never mind the many important figures in the Bible who had more than one wife, but that’s a whole other story).

The important thing is — can you, as a parent, answer “yes” to questions like these:

• Do you encourage open and honest communication with your kiddos?
• Do your children feel safe coming to you to ask any questions they may have — whether it’s about your lifestyle or theirs?
• Do you show love to your kids by giving them your time and attention, and do you do your best to meet their needs whenever you can in a way that is healthy for them?

If you can honestly say “yes” to all of these, then you’re ahead of the game. Whether you’re polyamorous, monogamous, single, or anywhere on the LGBTIQA+ spectrum, your kids will feel safe and loved in a way that helps them face their own challenges because you’re a good parent to them — not because of your relationships.

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