I Found My Dominant

Some of us want a different kind of love

I devoured steamy, bodice-ripping romance novels as a teen.

The heroine is always a virgin. Her brave knight rescues her from some sort of trouble, and later “takes her” in bed.

She swoons and nearly faints at the sight of an erect penis, having had no previous sex education whatsoever. Then he gives her an earth-shattering orgasm nearly instantly with not much effort other than penetrating her briefly. The conflict is later resolved (by him), and they live in a big castle, happily ever after.

For the longest time, I thought this was the epitome of love, sex, and feminine pleasure. I didn’t realize until way later that I was reading the wrong books.

My favorite fairytale as a kid was Peter Pan. You know, because of the pirates. Even as a child, being bound and gagged appealed to me. I was drawn to it. Excited by it, though I didn’t know why. Once in the second grade, a kid on the playground wrapped a jump rope around my waist, binding my arms to my sides, and I felt a thrill. Best. Recess. Ever.

It wasn’t sexual then, but it certainly developed into that later.

There’s a different kind of heroic knight for me. Instead of a sword and shield, he carries a big sex bag full of ropes, cuffs, vibrators, lube, paddles, and other implements.

I can get on board with the big castle — it would lend space for a roomy and kinky sex dungeon. But what about getting tied up? What about getting choked a little? Or tossed around the bed like a rag doll.

When I met my partner, we clicked right away. But I had no idea he’d soon become my Dominant.

And not just any Dom — a really good, respectful, kind, responsible, and skilled (oh my, the skill) Dom who loves making me feel amazing. Not just sexually — but in all aspects of my life. He’s honestly the best Dom in the world for me, because our sexual preferences and limits line up so unbelievably well.

He fits me like a glove. No—more like a custom-made corset. (We both love corsets.) And he wouldn’t match up with any other submissive — or any other partner for that matter — as well as he matches me.

I used to constantly want my husband, now my soon-to-be-ex, to pin my arms above my head or choke me during sex. But he was more on the submissive side, so we often clashed sexually.

Whether Sir is ordering me to suck his cock or calling me a good girl for finishing an article — I feel this rush of connection, desire, and love that words don’t do justice.

I never thought I’d actually get to explore such a kinky and loving dynamic. And I met him on OkCupid, of all places.

Finding my Dom where I least expected

People hate dating apps. They hate dating as an entire industry built to feed on our insecurities — and our cash.

I’ve read articles that make valid points about terrible experiences (Yael Wolfe recently published a great one), but some of them imply that it’s a universal experience for everyone. They forget to mention that some people out there do fall in love, and there are times when, fortunately, a dating app can change your life for the better.

I got on OkCupid sometime in January, when my husband (now my ex) and I agreed to try an open, ethically non-monogamous relationship.

It helped that I had a local community of polyamorous friends with whom I spent time offline. They were able to guide me through the apps that are particularly poly-friendly. OkCupid is one of them because you can mark non-monogamous in your profile and use a filter that only shows you people who are open to that.

My experiences were nothing but good — meeting with like-minded, intelligent, artsy people who later became friends. All good things, but nothing that quite sparked.

Enter my blue-eyed, blue-haired love — whom I never guessed would later become my Dom based on his dating profile.

We texted over a few days and decided we wanted to meet right away. He was married with kids and looking for a poly partner, like me.

We planned for drinks at a local wine bar. And that zing — that feeling of undeniable deep attraction and connection — was there from the moment he walked in and hugged me.

I didn’t even know he thrived on being sexually dominant. He didn’t know I was submissive. Neither of us had yet to have a chance to explore that kind of relationship, which was part of the reason we became poly.

Our time together at the wine bar went so well that we headed to an AirBnb afterward. We didn’t have penetrative sex, but there was a lot of talking. Some of the most passionate kissing I’ve ever experienced. And lots of oral sex.

He was the first person who was ever able to make me orgasm the first time I was with him.

There was also more fun and intelligent conversation, tons of laughter, and making plans for future dates.

When we were getting dressed at the end of the night, I was already smitten. And when he just happened to casually drop the fact that he had always wanted to explore a Dom/sub dynamic, my curiosity skyrocketed.

I truly couldn’t believe I’d met someone like him. On a dating app, of all places.

Sex menus are a must

I learned from my Dom that filling out a sex menu and comparing the results together is one of the best beginning steps you can take in a D/s dynamic. After a few more dates and deciding we wanted to dive full-speed ahead, that’s just what Sir guided me to do.

It’s important to note that our kinky relationship developed alongside our non-kinky romantic partnership, which was flourishing at the same time. The vanilla romance came first, and our BDSM activities fall under the umbrella of our committed partnership. I know not all D/s dynamics involve a romantic relationship, and they certainly don’t need to. It just depends on what you want. For me, having a relationship partner who happens to be my Dom is the ultimate.

He was an incredible Dom from the get-go. Very Dom-y in the way he initiated the steps we should take to keep everything enjoyable, safe/risk-aware, and mutually consensual.

That’s why our contract started with an extensive and very fun sex menu, which he researched and found on the Kinky Events UK website.

The sex menu has a long column listing a very wide range of sexual and intimate acts. In the second column, you mark one of six ratings depending on how you feel about each act: Hard Limit, Soft Limit, Indifferent, Try It, Yes Please, Need It.

Both the Dom and sub fill out their own menu (which Sir converted to a Google Excel doc so we could easily click through the options and share). Then you compare the results to see how you can better tend to each other’s needs and desires while avoiding breaking any set boundaries.

For example, cuddles are listed as Need It for both of us. So is aftercare, lingerie, nipple play, and clitoral stimulation.

Since playing together, I’ve also discovered that I have a hardcore praise kink. Hearing him whisper “good girl” after I climax or when I’m taking him in my mouth is almost more pleasure than I can handle. Another Need It for me, I’ve learned.

Aggressive dominance, bondage, and deep-throating are listed as Yes Please on my menu. So is coming in and on me.

Examples of Hard Limits for both of us include anal fisting, eye contact restrictions, and financial submission.

The list is extensive, with hundreds of activities to consider. We both filled it out, compared our limits/must-haves, and found that our compatibility was off the charts.

It was all very official, and honestly some of the best foreplay I’ve ever had in my entire sexual experience thus far.

Negotiating and signing the contract

After going through the sex menu, we signed a contract together.

Sir found a great one online, and we revised some of the wording together to fit our dynamic. We both sat on the couch, laptop in front of us, and read each clause, editing/adding/cutting whatever language we wanted to.

We took time discussing our dynamic and negotiating points until we both felt comfortable.

One important clause is as follows:

The Dominant and the submissive agree and acknowledge that all that occurs under the terms of this contract will be consensual, and subject to the agreed limits and safety procedures set out in this contract. Additional limits and safety procedures may be agreed upon in writing.

Our contract covers a vast array of areas, such as safety precautions (e.g., STD testing, safewords, etc.), agreed-upon activities, terms and renewal, playing with others, and collaring.

It’s also in our contract that I wear my beautiful silver day collar 24/7, and I love it.

BDSM — there’s an app for that

My Dom, ever the extensive researcher, found and shared the Obedience app with me. He asked if I’d like to give it a try, and it was a big enthusiastic Yes! on my part.

Obedience is a digital habit tracker for people in BDSM dynamics. The Dominant is of course in charge of writing rules, tasks, rewards, and punishments.

The submissive can tick off tasks for the week as they are completed, and there’s an in-app feature where you can share messages, images, video, etc. There is also a place to post notes, ideas, our safe word, and our safe signal.

It’s important for me to clarify that in this kind of power exchange, the sub has a lot of the control. I’m happily consenting (and getting turned on by) giving my Dom control over me, and I can revoke that control at any time by using my safe word or safe signal, or terminating our contract.

Here are a couple of examples of my rules and habits, written up by my Dom. He created these based on things I desperately want to work on, like getting in shape, drinking less, writing more, etc.

I love this app because it motivates me and gives me accountability for the goals I want to reach.

It also helps my partner and me stay connected in our kink dynamic and provides a separate digital space to communicate about it. Since we are also in a romantic partnership, and we both have kids, full-time jobs, adult responsibilities, and so on, it’s easy to let the kinky things we enjoy together fall to the back burner. This helps us both stay focused on our dynamic, however much or little we want, as we can also take breaks and turn habits off if either of us is having a particularly busy or stressful week.

True love, with or without kink

I love the fact that when we first started dating, my Dom told me that if I didn’t want to pursue a D/s dynamic with him, he definitely still wanted to keep seeing each other.

We were both hooked, kink or no kink.

We share an incredible emotional, intimate, and fun connection outside of the dynamic, and we enjoy sweet “vanilla” sex together as much as we enjoy kinky playtime.

But I was more than thrilled to start exploring the lifestyle with him.

My knight is saving me, sure. In a way. But I’m saving him just as much. Our mutually beneficial relationship is symbiotic: I need what he gives me as much as he needs what I give him. We connect as equals in a beautiful and compatible way. We just fit.

He is the best of both worlds, and I’m thrilled to keep exploring this different kind of love with him. ❤

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