Tales of a firearms instructor (The Good, The Bad and the others)

I was a firearms instructor for just over 5 years. Covid killed a lot of that, since then I’ve moved on to other jobs. The topic though is an interesting one to say the least. Let me start by saying something that some of the readers are going to hate. Remember, a firearms instructor is talking.

Guns aren’t difficult to figure out. They’re a mechanical machine, no different than your car. All be it, much easier to master. People whine about “You shouldn’t have a gun unless you’ve taken extensive classes on how to handle it”. That’s nonsense, Let’s conduct a test to see if the reader should be allowed to own and operate a firearm.

1: Are you literate? I certainly hope so. I hope your not just listening to this with an audio feature. Otherwise, you can’t read that safety manual that comes with every god damn new firearm. It helps remind you not to look down the barrel. If you read it. Then you’re actively doing these safe practices every time you pick one up.

2: Are you over the age of 18? I really don’t care; I was handling guns safely on my own at the age of 10. But laws are laws, even the stupid ones. I don’t go by age, attention span is far more important along with character, when it comes to youth. My daughter for instance started shooting when she was 7. My son, however, didn’t start until he was 9. Just a difference in attention span and that’s ok. I know a few adults who don’t have the attention span and I’ll bring them up later.

3: Are you a felon? That’s an easy one. Still a stupid law though. If you’re released from prison, then you should get all your rights back. If you’re deemed untrustworthy to handle freedom in any manner, then you shouldn’t be released. Giving someone half their rights back is ridiculous.

Ok, that’s all the criteria for safely owning a firearm. Did you pass? Any questions? Let’s continue. You don’t “need” to take a class to learn how to use a gun. So why did I teach it? Well, there are different kinds of students that would come in.

One example is, some people were just, scared. Something completely new and alien to them, “and they watch too much news”, and that’s ok. I’ll be a guiding hand; I’ll remove the mystery of this device they watched every day on the news kill people all by itself. These ones got frightened just enough to go out, buy a gun, then sign up for a class. Once that’s done, they believe they’re ready for anything. Then never look or touch that gun again. It rusts away in the case.

Another example, someone who was never for or against firearms. Now has acquired one through a certain means. Typically, from a Will. Someone dies and leaves them this death machine of some sort. Yet, because of the relationship with the deceased, they want to learn how it works. I’ve been presented with everything from dead husband’s duty pistol, to grandad’s old scatter gun, to a Thompson sub machine gun. Resulting in immediately making them fill out the proper paperwork to retain it and not become a felon.

The majority however are sadly the “I never thought it would happen to me” person. They tend to be the most dedicated. They lived through a traumatic event. Either a mugging, home invasion, or in some cases, were raped. For obvious reasons, they were always the top students. Most were anti-gun to begin with until, something bad happened.

Ok, quick story time. At the beginning of every new class, I would ask the attendees. “Why are you taking this course?” If comfortable stating. It was a way for others to hear real life stories, or at least, justifications as to why they’re here. I had one lady, she arrived in an SUV. Her bumper had stickers like “Save the whales” and “Walter Mondale”. Shit like that. I thought, “oh geeze, what the hell is she doing here of all places”. So, when it came time, I asked her. She said she had owned a bar, one night, leaving on her own. 3 guys jumped out, beat the shit out of her and robbed her. She needed 6 facial reconstructive surgeries before she even began to look human again. Side note, her doctor did an amazing job. She was a very lovely woman and a pleasure to talk to.

I tell that story only because of what she did next. She told the class, as soon as she got out of the hospital. She bought a gun, then some ammo, then signed up for my class. It’s a story with a happy ending. My response to her story was.

“Wow, Hell have no fury like that of an ass kicked liberal. That’s how we’ll make people pro-gun. Just beat the shit out of them. She laughed along with the rest of the class. She was the top shot of that class once completed. Ok, story time over.

The last group, smallest group, and most annoying was the ones who wanted to learn to shoot like “John Wick”, that’s ok.

1: it takes time, patience, and a lot of proper practice. Most don’t want to put in the effort, like exercise.

2: As soon as you act like a jackass, I kick you out of the class. Although a firearm is simple to use, it’s still dangerous. At the beginning of each class, I would explain this. Along with how 90% of the crap you see in movies, professionals don’t do that shit.

Of course, has developed a cult following known as the “tacticool/tacitards”. They can be the worst. You see them in public. Wearing their Ed hardy T-shirts that are 2 sizes too small with their $200 5/11 ranger pants. Some are, actually ok and will, walk the walk. The majority though, are grown children playing make believe. They’re all over YouTube. They’re a wonderful example of the ones who you see on the news, giving real gun owners a bad name.

These are the ones that will buy the latest and greatest of everything, only to get smoked by a 12-year-old girl using her grandads .22 rifle. Then they get all pissy because they don’t understand that you can’t buy practice and experience, you have to earn it. I’ve done quite a few competition shoots over the years and have had my ass kicked by more than one kid. Yet have always smoked the tactitards. I can’t imagine why.

Cops are fun to watch at these events. You’ve never seen a bigger sore loser than when a child shows them up on the range. I’ll tell them to not let it bother them. Little Suzy isn’t the one gunning for you out on the street. It’s only a competition.

They’re a great deal of fun and a great way to practice. It’s the exposure to being timed, having your heart rate up and losing. You can be a good shot until stress is involved. I’d explain this to the students for example. If you can hit a steel plate consistently at 100 yards when you’re calm. Which is “very” good. Once stress is involved however, take that number, and divide it by 4. That’s your new range under stress. That’s your effectiveness.

Ok, time for another story.

I got an interesting call one day. I won’t say his name but, in the area, I lived at the time. There was a family law firm that was about 4 generations deep. The great grandson who ran the firm. Had begun receiving death threats and worried for his and his family’s safety. Although he had security, he wanted himself, his wife and 2 sons to learn how to shoot and protect themselves. He had gotten my name from one of his clients, insisting I was worth the investment. Quite flattering. He said I had mention during the class how, it’s not a cop’s job to protect you. Their job was to uphold the law. Which means in a life or death, you’re on your own. So, seeing how he wanted a private class on my day off, this was going to be expensive. But I am a whore after all, and I like money.

This was a fun event to say the least. We all met onsite the next day, including their, bodyguard, to go over my agenda. His boys, 14 and 16 at the time, both he and his sons were eager to learn. His wife on the other hand, not so much.

After starting I saw everyone was ready except for the misses. She was over at the SUV, playing on her phone while the bodyguard stood by. It’s clear by looking at her that she was a trophy wife and that was about it. Big hair, makeup, press on nails. She wore a skirt, heels and blouse to a firearms training class.

I walked over and asked if she was ready to begin. Without looking up from her phone, she said,

“I don’t need it, that’s what I have him for”, pointing over her shoulder at the man standing on watch.

“Oh, I see. Well, it could be fun. You may even learn something new about yourself you didn’t know before”, I replied.

“Look, my husband wants to learn this stuff, not me. I don’t need it. That’s his job. I have more important matters to attend to”, she said while gesturing for me to piss off. Still not looking up from her phone.

“Ok, I understand fully. Thank you.”

Taking a page from a well-respected instructor, I continued.

“May I give you some advice at least, since your husband is paying for you as well?”

“And what would that be?”, she said in a snarky tone. Still glued to that damn phone.

“No one gives a shit about you”.

That, made her stop typing, made her look up at me with an insulted look on her face as I smiled at her. This caused her husband and 2 boys to stop what they were doing as well, along with the guard unfolding his arms in an “I can’t believe you just said that gesture. Everyone paused, waiting for her response.

“What’s that supposed to mean”, she retorted.

“I mean exactly that, no one gives a shit about you. You’re all taking these classes to learn how to protect yourselves. Your family has received more than one death threat because of your husband’s job.”

She looked past me at her husband for a moment in a “Are you going to let him talk to me like this” manner. I didn’t turn around to look, I already had the answer by the look on her face.

“What the hell does any of that mean!?”, she said angrily.

“Well, I’m going to look at this from a bad guy evil doer point of view. The motivation behind these threats is most often money, which, your husband has. Now, the best way I would go about achieving this goal myself. Would probably be as follows. First, those boys are the golden ticket. Kidnapping them is a great means for a pay day. So, I’d snatch the boys. It’s a lot easier than you’d think. If you’re unlucky enough to be present, for the guard, this is just a job to him. He’s not going to die for you, nor should he. But he’s in the way, so I’d shoot him in the fucking head. Because of whom you are, you’d be coming for a ride as well. With that said. This is the reality of the situation.

He loves those boys; he’ll do or pay anything to get them back. Keep in mind, I’m not going to hurt those boys, they’re my meal ticket. You on the other hand, he can always remarry. You’re replaceable, they’re not. This would dawn on me, the kidnapper, much sooner rather than later. So, less baggage, “BANG”, out goes the lights for you. Nothing more than an innocent bystander during a brutal kidnapping. Is that how you want to be remembered. I certainly wouldn’t. Or, just maybe, you’d be that mom that wouldn’t take any shit, wouldn’t just lay down and die, actually do something to save her boys and escape. Probably shooting me, the kidnapper, the first chance you got right when it first began.

I’m sure I already know the answer but, which would you want to be in that circumstance? The fighter, or the victim? It’s up to you, it’s your choice.”

Everyone stared, open mouthed at my statement, waiting for her response. Tough love is needed sometimes. It was clear from her expression, no one had ever talked to her like that before. There was a long pause as I smiled back at her waiting. Eventually she replied,

“So, if that happened, where should I shoot you”.

“I’m very glad you asked, but first, you’ll need to know how the firearm functions”, I replied.

“Ok then, let me get my running shoes on first”.

“Deal”.

The whole event went wonderfully. Everyone had a great time, and she became the top shot during the event. Even beating the bodyguard, which was quite amusing. Ok, story time over.

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