Suicide Is Not Painless
Poems and prose portions in response to my own prompt — Nothing anyone can do will shorten or extend their own or someone else’s exit date — just the circumstances are the product of the chaos of everyone’s free will
We Are Only As Sick As Our Secrets — a dizain
(a dizain is a French form of ten, ten-syllable lines with ABABBCCDCD rhyming structure)
Suicide provides no relief at all On ledge imagining end to my pain Pavement streaming toward me will not end fall Just before break solution becomes plain My penance to help others to refrain Thought my loved ones better off without me Truth’s too likely they’ll header into sea Had I known that death cannot be cheated Baring deep secrets would cure malady Death would not have left loved ones defeated
A beautiful spring day, rich blue sky, warm breeze, leaves on the trees, sitting against a tree trunk in Central Park I called my channeler, Anne, and we spoke to Andrew. The experience was incredibly moving and emotional. He knew this moment would arrive — that I would reach out. It wasn’t my fault he said — I could not have done anything to stop him. Tears streamed down my face then (I am crying now too after all these years — some pain pockets have infinite depth, the silver lining of which is that as they drain there remains infinite room to fill with Light). He had been hell-bent on suicide because he couldn’t see any way out. His family would be better off with him gone he thought.
Andrew told me that what he had to live with forever, what all souls of suicides have to live with, is that the solution appears to them in the millisecond before their human life expires.
I have written in a few earlier pieces, while one may believe that death by suicide will end one’s pain and suffering, that belief does not take into account the afterlife. In the afterlife, the soul of a death by suicide must deal with the massive karmic debt of that choice, and the searing mental anguish of the realization of the alternate solution revealing itself in the too-brief-to-reverse-course-moments before life expires. At least the penance of doing the soul work to help others not make the same mistake will pay down the debt and relieve the pain.
Regardless of whether one feels that suicide is selfish or justified relief, once one realizes that the date of death is predetermined, suicide becomes pointless. One’s agony will be relieved through a manner of death that does not destroy the lives of the loved ones left behind. Moreover, even a failed attempt could have disastrous consequences, both for the mental health of family members and the physical quality of life of the survivor — if it is not one’s day to die, the attempt will fail. According to Dr. Harris Stratyner, Ph.D. (champion of Carefrontation), as I learned from him in therapy, the adult children of suicides are 50% more likely to attempt suicide than members of the general population.
“We are only as sick as our secrets,” possibly coined in AA, means that a secret kept in the dark grows and becomes more harmful, but once it is exposed to light or released, its power is lost. Andrew’s secrets ate him up inside and lead to the manner in which he died. My soul partner Sitara, whom I knew this life cycle as Lindsey, and loved with all my heart and soul, died of an accidental overdose caused by the secrets she kept from her family — and even one from me, despite her knowing that I never once had and never would have judged her.
Sometimes the person one must forgive above all others is themself.
Please, I implore anyone who is reading this that is suffering or knows someone that is suffering, to seek and you shall find someone with whom you can share your secrets without fear of judgment. I assure you, that person exists. Perhaps it’s a friend, spouse, lover, clergy, psychologist? Even a stranger.
A musical and visual interlude (note the essay continues to another topic after the video) from M.A.S.H. the movie — Robert Altman is a genius:
Deaths’ facts differ still Will drives lives’ paths to deaths’ dates Love burns — searing pain Deepest loss most room for gain Endless pain, Light fills the drain
The first two lines of the tanka represent my belief in the predestination of the date of death, but that our paths to death, how we lead our lives, we do very much determine through the exercise of free will. The third line evokes the excruciating pain felt by the soulmate left behind. I almost ended there with that haiku. Yet, I did not want the poem to leave the reader with the dark feeling of hopelessness. So, I added a turn to Light — the last two lines paint a silver lining. While nary a day shall pass that I will not mourn the sudden and tragic loss of my 36.5-year-old lover, my infinitely large pain pockets will never empty, meaning as they drain, they contain space for an infinite amount of Light to shine.
Now Let’s Talk About Abortion Rights
The predetermination of exit dates applies to unborn children as well. The soul of an unborn child, which created life practically simultaneously with the sperm entering the egg, agreed in its soul contract whether or not it would be born. Perhaps it chose never to take a breath so that the mother would be faced with the choice of whether to abort or not but regardless of her choice, the baby will not be born alive. If the mother chooses NOT to abort, the fetus will miscarry or be a stillbirth. Thus, even the antiabortion stance of protecting the unborn child does not hold water. That child does not need the protection of human laws and the interference they insert into the mother’s spiritual path.
Any law that criminalizes or otherwise outlaws pre-fetal-viability abortion is legislating religious belief and thus violates the First and Fourteenth Amendments. So despite that I know that abortion is murder, I am steadfastly pro-choice.
In Rama I create, with soul-energy surging through my body, inspiring me and breathing wind into my sails,