Student Disobedience in School May Be A Sign of Enabling Parents

Actions speak louder than words

This account is an actual event. All characters have been given pseudonyms.

David was absent from my class

Lizzy said David was in the office, calling his dad.

Okay, not a problem. That happens all the time. Kids forget their lunch money, or their project, which is due today, or their gym clothes. Kids calling their parents is no big deal.

Lizzy said David was calling his dad because he got into an argument with his math teacher. David and Lizzy’s math class was doing a test. David was doing his scratch work on a separate piece of paper. His instructions were to do computation on the test. The teacher told David he had to have his work on the test paper for it to get credit. David refused.

David came into my class 20 minutes late

David told us he called his dad. His dad was angry. “With you?” Lizzy asked. David said, “No; with the teacher. My dad is going to meet with the teacher after school.”

Many of the students wanted to talk about how mean and unfair Mr. Smith, the math teacher, was. I wouldn’t let them. I told them it was not appropriate to speak of the teacher in class, but they could talk among themselves at lunch.

The students got on with their classwork.

Some students ask to go outside

Later, a student said he had forgotten his earbuds and needed to go out to the bench to watch the tutorial video. A second student also asked to go. The school custom is to allow no more than two students to go outside the room at a time. It becomes a problem of supervision if there is a significant split of students inside and outside the classroom. David did not ask to go. He just started toward the door with the other two students. I stopped him and informed him of the two-student limit. He sat back in his seat.

Later I noticed him leave the room without saying anything. I opened the classroom door and observed David on the bench with the other two boys.

A pattern of behavior emerges

Initially, I did not give it much thought that David had gotten into a tiff with his math teacher. Misunderstandings occur. Perhaps the test directions were not clear, or maybe, David had not read the guidelines. It is also entirely possible the teacher failed to give instructions.

David made a choice

However, given the events that occurred in my class, I believe David chose not to follow the test instructions, just as he decided to disobey me.

I was not a party to the parent-teacher conference, so I can only speculate what transpired. I expect the parent argued his son’s method of showing work was utterly reasonable. And the teacher was unreasonable in his expectations.

“Entitled individuals can bob and weave their way through life deftly in large part because those of us around them allow it to happen.” — Lianne Castelino

David’s parent made a choice

The problem here is that the parent is enabling his child to make decisions that are not his to make. There are certain expectations for children to follow to teach them to be responsible individuals and independent adults. Responsibility is a critical skill.

Lianne Castelino, Behind Every Entitled Kid Is An Enabling Parent, states, “Entitled individuals can bob and weave their way through life deftly in large part because those of us around them allow it to happen.”

Tracy Smith LPC, NCC, ACS, How to Stop Enabling Grown Children and Why It Is Important, defines enabling, “Enabling occurs when an individual performs tasks and solves problems negatively impacting the development and accountability of another person. An enabler permits someone to make bad choices, despite knowing that these choices are detrimental.”

My reflection on the matter

I’ve taught for many years, and I have observed a familiar pattern. Parents that defend their children’s actions at every turn live to regret it. Parents are thinking they are helping their children. But in reality, failing to allow children to experience consequences harms them.

© Randle B. Moore 2019 All rights reserved (minor edits made in February 2022)

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