Stop Demanding That Women Validate You

And then being angry when they won’t

I see an awful lot of men complaining about women who reject their interest or romantic advances. Although I understand that nobody is excited to learn that someone they like doesn’t feel the same way, it seems to often be taken to heart more than is necessary or warranted — and that’s a problem — both for men and for women. Too many men receive a woman’s lack of reciprocal interest as if it were a kind of referendum on them as human beings, instead of an individual woman not feeling a spark, for whatever reason, with an individual man.

It’s gotten so bad that women are being spat on, have had drinks poured on them, and are even sometimes killed for refusing a man’s interest in her. As Jessica Valenti points out here, “There’s a reason that women give out fake phone numbers or invent boyfriends — we’ve learned that our own lack of interest in someone is not a valid enough reason to say no. Plus, we never know how angry a rejected man is going to get. Angry enough to send a cruel text or call us a bitch? Or angry enough to hurt us?”

Men need to stop demanding that women validate them and then being furious at women if they won’t. It’s an all-around toxic dynamic that is bad for everyone and it needs to stop.

First off, it’s extremely dehumanizing to not treat a woman like an individual fellow human being who is allowed to have her own preferences, thoughts, and feelings, but it’s also disempowering to men to put that much of their self-worth in the hands of somebody else. It’s problematic all around, and yet another example of how patriarchal dynamics hurt us all.

The social system of patriarchy is a dominance-based hierarchy where people vie with each other for rank and position on the social pyramid. We’re all encouraged to compare ourselves with the other people around us, in part because the insecurity this engenders drives consumer culture, but men, in particular, are messaged that they not only need to perform masculinity but need to perform it better than the other men around them according to a narrow set of acceptable norms.

Not all men adhere to or fully adhere to these Act Like a Man Box rules, but nearly all men do feel some pressure to do so. As one example, catcalling and other types of sexual harassment tend to increase when men are in groups because many of them are looking to demonstrate their dominance and secure their position in the Act Like a Man Box, something that is always in flux in this sort of dominance hierarchy scenario.

But if your sense of self primarily comes from where you believe you rank in relation to other men, it’s impossible to have any genuine confidence because it’s all contingent on things that are outside yourself and that you mostly can’t control. This is known as having an external locus of control, and it’s an extremely disempowering way to live.

By contrast, a healthy internal locus of control is much more positive and empowering.“You likely see your future as being in your own hands. As a result, you engage in activities that will improve your situation: you work hard to develop your knowledge, skills and abilities, and you take note of information that you can use to create positive outcomes.”

Someone with a healthy internal locus of control not only works on themself, but they have a reasonable understanding and appreciation of both their strengths and weaknesses. As members of a highly social species, it’s natural to try to fit in with our culture and to want to be viewed as acceptable and worthy, but that has to take place in a balance between what we know and value about ourselves and how we believe others perceive us. Letting random strangers determine your self-worth for you is a recipe for disaster.

In addition, how you’re measuring up in male hierarchies shouldn’t be telegraphed via women as trophies or symbols of status. Naturally, some women use men in this same way, but in general, most women don’t engage in this dynamic in the way that I see so many men doing it. They don’t typically take a man’s lack of interest in them as a personal referendum, and they don’t get angry at men in general if a guy they like doesn’t feel the same because most women are looking for a partner that they are compatible with, not a way to telegraph to the world that they’ve somehow succeeded.

Andrew Tate has said the quiet part out loud, “Females are the ultimate status symbol. People think I’m running around with these hoes because I like sex. That’s nothing to do with the reason why I’m running around with these bitches. I got these bitches just so everyone knows who the don is.”

Men are still pervasively messaged that women exist for their benefit, enjoyment, and pleasure and that they confer status. This comes in the form of advertising and other media, hook-up culture, porn, organized religion, and society at large. A mere 60 years ago this was an overt belief in our culture. Women’s magazines were filled with articles about how to be more pleasing, agreeable, and helpful to men, and so it’s no surprise that these beliefs have perhaps gone somewhat underground but have not truly gone away — both for many men and even some women.

It may not be a consciously held thought, but because of the insidious nature of the dominance hierarchy, the Act Like a Man Box, and the historical belief that women are trophies to demonstrate dominance to other men, too many guys seem to be falling into this trap.

I’d like to see it stop — both because it’s dehumanizing to women to treat them not as people, but as a means of validating yourself in a battle with other men for societal position — but also because it’s so disempowering to men. We need to be teaching boys how to not take their entire sense of self from where they fit in some kind of artificial pecking order, and instead teach them to get to know and value themselves.

The patriarchal dominance hierarchy fosters insecurity and a never-ending demand to constantly prove your masculinity — something that can come with a host of negative consequences. Although gendered expectations still impact women, in general, they have done a much better job of challenging them. Men need to do the same for women’s sake but also their own.

“Oppressive gender roles and stereotypes can have a negative impact on mental health by creating feelings of shame, self-doubt, and low self-esteem,” says Som. “When individuals are unable to meet society’s expectations of how they should behave based on their gender, they may feel isolated, misunderstood, and even punished.” As a result, individuals might develop a sense of failure, anxiety, stress, or depression. Very Well Mind

Any anger ought to be directed at the social system, and the restrictive boxes of what is allowed within them to be “a real man,” not at the women who have refused to validate you so you can look more masculine to other men. Don’t take your cues from the likes of Andrew Tate, a man who is massively insecure and alone — take them from the men who are finding and nurturing their authentic selves and believing they have value, no matter what. Aside from the fact that it’s better for your own mental and emotional health, it’s a lot more attractive to women.

As Mark Greene says here about men trying to succeed in a patriarchal dominance hierarchy, “We’re wasting our lives chasing a fake rabbit around a track, all the while convinced there’s meat to be had. There is no meat. We are the meat.”

Stop being the cannon fodder in somebody else’s stupid made-up war game that you can never win, and stop vilifying women for refusing to play along. Besides the fact that nobody owes you spit, you can and should learn to value yourself separate from how you fit into society and have succeeded by Instagram metrics.

Waiting on other people to validate you is a fool’s game — one that will never make you feel settled, confident, or strong. Spend more time getting to know and understand yourself, and to love what you have to offer the world. Patriarchy says that’s “feminine” and therefore weak and lesser, but it’s really just how well-adjusted humans function and it’s a much more empowered route than putting all of your self-worth in the hands of strangers.

Of course, you’ll want to cultivate a circle of people whose feedback you trust, but that isn’t random strangers on the internet or that you come across in your local club. Insta-life isn’t real life. Learn that and things will immediately start to get better.

© Copyright Elle Beau 2024