avatarBrett Chrest

Summary

A stay-at-home dad shares his experiences and routines, including engaging with sponsored content, adjusting personal hygiene habits, managing phone calls, and adapting to a new schedule, while humorously reflecting on the learning curve of his role.

Abstract

The article delves into the evolving routines of a stay-at-home dad, detailing how his daily life has transformed since leaving the office. He now indulges in reading sponsored content, which he previously lacked time for, and has learned a plethora of unusual facts. His approach to personal hygiene has become more relaxed, with fewer showers and a more casual use of deodorant. The dad also notes a change in his phone habits, now answering calls from unknown numbers and often engaging in playful banter with telemarketers. Time management has improved, particularly regarding his bathroom schedule, which is now more efficient without the distraction of his phone. He emphasizes the challenge of keeping track of dates and special occasions without the structure of a workweek, and the importance of checking the family calendar to avoid missing important events.

Opinions

  • The author finds humor and interest in the mundane aspects of stay-at-home life, such as sponsored content and daytime TV commercials.
  • He expresses a sense of liberation from the constraints of office culture, particularly in his more relaxed approach to showering and dressing.
  • The dad has a playful and somewhat sarcastic attitude towards telemarketers and nuisance calls, using humor to deal with them.
  • He acknowledges the benefits of his new lifestyle, including more time with his family and personal freedom, despite the occasional mishap.
  • The author values the importance of staying informed and engaged with the world, even if it means learning about seemingly trivial topics.

Stay-at-Home Dad Routines Become More Routine After Adding New Routines to My Routine

Electrifying Stuff: New Stay-at-Home Dad Routines: Part II

Photo by Zoltan Tasi on Unsplash

I previously wrote about some of the new routines I have picked up since becoming a stay-at-home dad. Here is part two of that ever-growing list. Being a house human instead of an office zombie has been a very interesting trip.

Reading “sponsored content” on websites

We have all clicked on a news/sports/entertainment story from a website and seen all of the ads at the end, rife with click-bait headlines. When I was working, I didn’t have enough time to click on “25 Ways Tom Cruise Avoids Toenail Fungus”, which was sponsored by www.funwithfungus.com.

Now, I have all kinds of time to learn about fantastic things. Things in the “real world”, that I was blind to while working in an office. Did you know that Chewbacca needs 14 cruise ship quality towels to dry off after a shower? That the 1976 New York Knicks had an extraterrestrial point guard? It’s true! I can’t believe how much I have learned since March. If you need a reason to quit your job, this is it.

On the downside, daytime TV commercials have taught me a lot about potential signs of fatal diseases that their product — for just $500 dollars a pill! — can cure. I have had to create a database that correlates “sign” to “disease”. If I get a small reddish bump on my nose, is it malaria? Or toe cancer? I’m not trying to play roulette with my health. Each of these horrifying diseases have multiple symptoms and I — an untrained medical professional — need to properly self-diagnose.

Not showering 2–3 times a day

I sweat a lot. Recent forays into fitness have confirmed that I have not lost my sweat verve. I am just as likely to sweat now than I was when I was working. I guess the good news is that I only sweat when I have to work. The bad news is that I sweat at a rate more than 99.9% of humanity.

So, when I was working in an office, I’d shower when I woke up. Then, after I got home I’d shower again and change out of my suit. This was mostly to make it tolerable for my wife to be near me, but it also served to get out of the damn suit.

After dinner, I’d work out a bit. Keep this in mind: activities such as eye-blinking, heart-pump, and breathing are enough to make me sweat. A real workout would have me drenched by the time I had finished stretching. Before bed, I would shower again. If I didn’t shower, our bed sheets would have to be handled by a specially trained HAZMAT team just to get them to our washer. Neighbors would have to be evacuated.

Now? Who cares? I’ll typically punt on the morning shower. I’ll wait until I work out — or until my wife complains — and mop off then. Our water bill has gone down precipitously. Some days, I don’t shower at all. Really, what’s the point. I start sweating when I pick up the towel to dry off.

“Just air dry. There’s no need to get us involved in this train wreck.” — my towels

I haven’t even put on deodorant since March 13, 2020. That’s not an arbitrary date — it was my last day in the office.

And, if I am being honest, I’m still wearing the same pair of undershorts I wore to play tennis yesterday.

Answering my cell phone

When working, I never answered my cell phone during they day. I couldn’t. We weren’t allowed to have cell phones in my office. Now, since I am at home, when a random number calls, I cheerfully answer “Hello!” This is a terrible routine, and the only one on the list that I hope to break.

Caller: “Hi! This is Trying-Piss-You-Off Life insurance (TPYOLI) we have the lowest rates out there! To get started, I just need to know your age.”

Me: “I already have life insurance that I am happy with.”

Caller: “Can I just have your age?”

Me: “I was born four score and seven years ago.”

Caller:

I’ve gotten better of late, but the little imp in me still likes to have fun with the more egregious calls.

“Look bud, I am happy that I qualify for a free cruise to Tahiti, but I just ate a burrito that has been sitting out all night and the only trip that I’m taking is a trip to Pooptown.”

Time on the potty

Speaking of Pooptown, when I was working, I still had to poop. I just took a lot longer to get the job done. With my “routine”, I’d frequently find myself having to poop at the office. Even though we weren’t allowed to have our cell phones in the office, the bathroom down the hall was fair game. Since the only thing waiting for me back at my desk was the banality of office life, I found myself scrolling through news feeds and reading stories that I had already read while riding the Metro. I was all-in if re-reading a recap of the Orioles 31–2 loss meant avoiding a few minutes of stuff like this:

“Can you believe how hot it is?”

Yes. I can. The temperature is a pretty objective measure, and does not require a leap of faith to “believe” in it.

Now, with full access to the internet outside of the can, I have all the motivation in the world to wrap up a task that takes 5–10 minutes in 5–10 minutes and not in 40–45 minutes. Dropping a deuce used to be a gateway to the free world. Now, it is just a hindrance that gets in the way of me being able to watch the same Bulls-Lakers highlights on ESPN that I have already seen three times.

Checking the calendar

This seems pretty obvious, but it really isn’t. Unless I Google “calendar”, I generally have no idea what date it is since weekends are no longer distinct from weekdays. A few weeks ago I had a moment of calendar panic. I knew my wife’s birthday, and I knew it fell on a Friday this year — BUT WHAT IF I ALREADY MISSED IT? She is nice enough to ignore such slights, so I fled to the laptop, fired up ol’ Google and….safe.

Now, I make it a point to check the print calendar that someone, possibly one of the cats, affixed to the side of the refrigerator. I had no idea it was there, even though since we are now in August, I suspect it was present for at least eight months. I’m pretty sure that we have our wedding anniversary coming up; I really hope to get this routine set in stone so I can have more anniversaries.

I’m already on thin ice after that time I forgot we had two kids, and not just one.

For more of my work on Dad-Bods, please see:

I have been a member of Medium since June of 2020. I am a husband and a father to two boys. I spent the last 15+ years working in national security. Now I am a stay-at-home dad, watching, teaching, and just hanging out with the kids. Please visit my website Dad Observations at https://brettchrest.com/ for more stories about my life as a stay at home dad.

Humor
Family
Dads
Showers
Cell Phones
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