Becoming a Stay-at-Home Dad Caused Me to Develop 3 New Shocking Routines

Routines for a stay-at-home dad aren’t always fun, but they can be

It has been around four months since I started life as a stay-at-home dad, and I’ve gotten into a few new routines. One is terrifying, one is bowel-shatteringly irritating, and the third actually has some degree of merit. And no, annoying my wife with my additional presence in the house is not one of them. That’s not a new routine at all.

Being Outside is Terrifying

I’ve started going outside by myself. I go on walks, runs, and I even travel 20 yards to sit on a bench to get devoured by mosquitoes. My wife and I have always enjoyed being outdoors with the boys. We like to play football, soccer, go for walks, and supervise the grueling yard work tasks that we assign to them. Basically, we watch as they try to squirt each other with a hose in the hopes that a few droplets will incidentally hit the garden. When we are outside though, we are a herd. Herds protect members from predators. The only time a member of the herd is really at risk, is when they wander off…

I’ve seen those shows on National Geographic about African wildlife. Inevitably, some dull antelope decides to check out a Zambian coin someone on safari must have dropped.

“Wow! That’s 50 ngwee! Even though I have no need to use human currency, I’ll temporarily leave the herd. I can catch up.”

You silly sod. You should only risk your life for a full kwacha coin.

As soon as Arthur the Antelope trots off, the lions pounce. The footage is unnecessarily graphic. I had no idea that those ‘lopes had so many internal organs — why do you need six lungs? As such, I am perpetually terrified that a pride of domesticated felines will strike as soon as I get far enough away from the other humans. But at least I get my Vitamin D, and that seems beneficial if you believe the internet.

Madden…Again: Yes, Bowel-Shatteringly Irritating

I have previously written about playing Madden 2017 with the boys. It is a fun and goofy time. We are getting on four months now, however, and since we don’t just abandon them in front of the TV, I am there for 97.2% of the plays. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard stuff like:

Oldest: “Youngest, pick X — the Kick Them in the Junk Blitz always works!”

Youngest: “I was thinking A. I like the Cover Three and Use Spitballs to Distract the QB.”

O: “Great play, Y!”

Y: “I tackled him in his hog!”

#teamwork #brothers

Luckily, the boys have moved up a level in terms of difficulty. The opposing teams are no longer simply fleeing to the sideline when starting RB McPoopsie gets the ball. Those games led to a half-time score of 92 to -21. At least the pixelated Phillip Rivers has a chance. Irritating though it may be — and it can be very irritating — I still enjoy my time with the kids. And Matt Ryan. And Chuck Weener.

Weights are Heavy, But There is Some Merit to What I Do

I guess that’s kind of the point, though. I’ve been trying to get healthier for some time now, but usually with fits and starts. I never really had a consistent workout routine. On Monday, I might pedal on the stationary bike for a bit while watching the Dan Le Batard Show. Tuesday might see me squeezing in a push-up or two before it was Madden time. Wednesday? You get the idea. But now, I have a nice routine that I follow at least 80% of the time (does that still count as a routine?). I lift weights, ride the bike, and even do a sit-up or two. I am not saying that I’m “jacked”, but you can at least tell the difference — in terms of girth — between my upper arms and my index fingers.

Of course, this means that I have to drink more water. Which means I have to pee more.

So I guess it is actually four new routines…

I have been a member of Medium since June of 2020. I am a husband and a father to two boys. I spent the last 15+ years working in national security. Now I am a stay-at-home dad, watching, teaching, and just hanging out with the kids. Please visit my website Dad Observations at https://brettchrest.com/ for more stories about my life as a stay at home dad.