Sperm Baths, Vegan Condoms, And Semen Gel…Oh My!

The latest contraceptives will change the way we have sex

Let's just get this out of the way. The female condom is absurd. No one in the history of sex has ever uttered the words, "That female condom is a marvelous invention."

If you have never used one, picture the love child of a ziplock bag and a shower curtain ring. Actually, that is not entirely fair. The first prototype of the female condom was constructed from cut-up hospital gloves. A hospital glove probably made less unsexy squishy noises than a sandwich bag.

Most women will agree with me on this nonsense. First off, you need to have the dexterity of a neurosurgeon to get one inside you (or tiny hands). They cost more than male condoms (shocker). And even their name is unappealing — "the vaginal pouch." (Sorry, a penis is not a baby kangaroo.)

The first female condoms are not the only example of scary contraception. The first recorded condom was a female condom, and it had one job — to keep out “serpents.” According to legend, King Minos of Crete believed his sperm was so badass that it could take down a vagina like a venomous snake. His solution was to stick a goat’s bladder in his misses, Pasiphae, to protect her from his beasties.

History does not record if the serpent repellant worked, but the world was not ready to give up on the female condom. In 1923, author and women's rights campaigner Marie Stopes promoted a female condom made from vulcanized rubber with a steel rim. Unfortunately, women will put jade eggs and yogurt in their oven of joy, but steel and vulcanized-anything…not Goop-esque enough.

The 1980s gave us more creative contraceptive barriers. At the time, women were beginning to free themselves from the shackles of domesticity. Enter the Today Sponge. Not the kind you use to clean your stove (if you are a good housewife). The one to keep your vagina clean of sperm. And yes, the Today Sponge is still sold. (This contraceptive method gifted me my daughter. Thanks, scientists!)

And let's not forget the dubious history of birth control pills. The pill’s first test subjects were women in asylums and impoverished Puerto Rican neighborhoods. Many of these test subjects had no clue they were test subjects. Unfortunately, researchers found the pill caused dangerous side effects…which they promptly ignored. Consequently, when the pill hit the market in the 1960s, many women suffered blood clots and strokes.

But while women have had to endure hormonal side effects, dangerous blood clots, and getting a plastic bag stuck in their lady bits, men have merely needed to slap a love glove on their members.

What gives?

Well, those frisky sex researchers are now giving us more options. Here are a few cutting-edge contraceptives you may see in stores soon.

Give your boys a bath…a sperm bath

It took scientists a few centuries, but we finally have hormone-free male birth control. And, of course, it is a spa experience.

It's called the COSO, and it looks like a sleek Apple-esque foot spa but for your balls. You fill up the basin with water depending on the size of your testicles, push a button, let the water heat up, and then manspread your baby-maker over the bath.

The COSO uses ultrasound technology to halt sperm mobility, thereby keeping your swimmers from ever reaching the egg. So far, the studies have only been performed on rats, but the results look promising. (Unfortunately, I couldn’t find any pictures of tiny rats soaking their balls in a vibrating bath. And yes, I tried.)

The COSO recently won the prestigious Dyson Award so researchers are hopeful. Unfortunately, we have one problem. Pharmaceutical companies have voiced concerns that a ball-zapping bidet will terrify most men. But maybe with some calming music and a remote control, they can get men on board.

Organic condoms free from harmful chemicals

Many of the condoms you find in your local grocery aisle contain dangerous ingredients that throw off a woman's delicate ph-balance. Somehow, sex researchers invented condoms with ridges, bumps, flavors, and freaky colors, but they can't keep formaldehyde-releasing ingredients out of our lady bits.

Now, women-owned business Jems is offering vagina owners condoms with safer ingredients that are vegan, gluten-free, and cruelty-free. The condoms are made from natural latex and 100% silicone lube. Jems' founders, Yasemin Emory and Whitney Geller, are targeting health-conscious Gen Zers with the hopes of lowering rising STD rates.

Semen blocking gel

If a sauna for your balls is not enticing enough, how about some semen-blocking gel. A Washington State University-led research team recently developed a gel that traps prostate-specific-antigens in ejaculation.

Sperm normally liquefies, allowing it to make its race to the egg. This fertility-blocking gel prevents sperm from moving by trapping it in a gel-like network. Imagine Ghostbusters green monster, the Slimer, except he suspends your sperm in his green goo.

Researchers developed this gel as an over-the-counter contraceptive similar to spermicidal jellies. Currently, spermicides have an average 13% to 21% failure rate — not so great. But researchers hope this new gel will have a higher pregnancy prevention rate and prevent STDs.

*None of the above is intended as medical advice, nor do I endorse any of these products. If you need a contraception plan, please speak to your doctor.

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