7 Things You Should Never Put in Your Vagina
A friendly reminder for vagina owners
I had an ex-boyfriend who worked night shifts in an ER. I heard more stories about bizarre objects getting stuck in various orifices than I care to remember. But one story was not so funny. A woman got some sort of jade egg caught in her butt, and they had to operate to remove it.
He was exasperated.
“If only she had put it in her vagina…I could have got it out.”
Oh, if only.
Although there is a taboo with sticking things up your arse, your lady bits are fair game.
Gwyneth Paltrow and her Goop company started this nonsense, and I know why. In a recent interview, she bragged that she does not drink alcohol and further opined, “I don’t really have drunk friends.”
This explains everything. Drunk friends will tell you the truth.
Well, consider me your new drunk friend…
Girl…stop putting rocks and junk in your vagina! (Burp.) Sure, we know logically we are not supposed to put anything in our self-cleaning oven of joy, but the wild fantasies of curing all our feminine woes with a little steam and some “dessert flower” douche seduce the best of us.
And although I would like to include any bad ex-boyfriend’s wayward dick in this list, I will stick to items that gynecologists keep slapping with an “external use only” label.
1. Any douche
The bacteria in your vagina have a heartfelt request — please stop killing us. We are your friends, and friends don’t walk up to friends and murder them with floral scents.
Douching kills off the friendly bacteria in your vaginal ecosystem. The bad bacteria can then multiply and cause bacterial vaginosis (BV) and yeast infections.
Research shows that one specific bacterium helps maintain a healthy vaginal flora — the lactobacillus species. Lactobacillus inhibit the pathogenic bacteria that cause BV. But when you douche, you flush away this good bacteria.
Think of your vagina and vulva like a beautiful gilded frame. What happens when you scrape off the gold? It’s not pretty underneath, right? Stop messing with your gold.
2. Steam
The same holds for the latest Goop craze of vaginal steaming. Steam also kills off the healthy bacteria and allows the baddies to throw a party in your lady bits.
Goop also claims that steaming your vulva with mugwort balances hormones. It does not.
There is some research that mugwort — used in moxibustion — helps correct breech presentation. But I will assume you are not carrying a breeched baby when you step into a spa to get your vagina steamed.
Do you know what mugwort is really great at? Repelling insects. So grow it in your garden. Not your vaginal garden.
3. A jade egg
In 2018, Gwyneth Paltrow had to shovel out more money for yet another Goop lawsuit. This time she made false claims that her jade eggs would “increase vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy in general.”
Let’s start with the muscle tone claims. You do not need an egg to perform Kegel exercises. If women were meant to walk around and use their pelvic floor muscles to hold rocks inside them, then we would pee standing up, and our vaginas would tear apart feral animals.
Kegel exercises can help with vaginal muscle tone (when done correctly.) They strengthen the pelvic floor to prevent incontinence and lead to stronger orgasms. Who doesn’t want stronger orgasms?
But according to gynecologist Dr. Jen Gunter and author of The Vagina Bible, “Overenthusiastic Kegel exercises or incorrectly done Kegel exercises are a cause of pelvic pain and pain with sex in my practice.” Gunter advises that to do kegel exercises correctly, you must focus on both the contraction and the relaxation phase.
Also, if you suffer from any pelvic floor dysfunction, Kegels can make your pain worse because the pelvic floor is too tight. (If you suspect you have any pelvic floor dysfunction, see a pelvic floor specialist.)
Unfortunately, many women perform Kegels incorrectly. The best way to learn how to do Kegels is to feel if you are doing them right. And by “feel,” I mean to insert a clean finger and practice.
Here are some tips:
- Lie down and place your hand on your abdomen. You do not want to engage your abs, so be aware if you are clenching your stomach.
- Now, pretend you are about to fart in the middle of giving an important presentation. You should feel your pelvic floor lift. Hold that contraction for 3 to 5 seconds.
- Now relax for 3 to 5 seconds.
- Repeat for 15 reps.
The wonderful thing about Kegel exercises is you can do them anywhere, and no one knows. I am doing them right now…without rocks in my vagina.
Ms. Paltrow also advises women to sleep with a jade egg inside their vaginas. Please don’t do this. Jade is a porous stone. You know what loves cracks and crevices?…bacteria. When you insert a porous stone into your vagina, you set up a breeding ground for bacteria.
If women were meant to walk around and use their pelvic floor muscles to hold rocks inside them, then we would pee standing up, and our vaginas would tear apart feral animals.
4. Vaginal melts
Vaginal melts are the latest dumbass thing women are told to stick in their vaginas. These melts are solid suppositories that dissolve in your vagina to treat vaginal dryness. What is far more disturbing is they have gone viral on TikTok as a way to make your vagina taste like a “Strawberry Kiss, Blueberry Bliss, or Sweetly Peach.” And no, they are not FDA regulated.
Ok, for the last and final time…vaginas are not supposed to taste like fruit. They're supposed to taste like a vagina. And any man who doesn’t like that taste can go to a yogurt bar instead of your pleasure palace.
But if your vagina does have a strong odor, please don’t mask it with fruit. Go to your gynecologist and get that checked out. Odor can be a sign of bacterial vaginosis (fish smell), an overgrowth of yeast (bread smell), or a host of other infections.
And in case you are wondering…nothing has been invented yet to melt over men’s balls.
Vaginas are not supposed to taste like fruit. They’re supposed to taste like a vagina. And any man who doesn’t like that taste can go to a yogurt bar instead of your pleasure palace.
5. Any food items
No, that yogurt soaked tampon will not cure your yeast infection. And that clove of garlic is not a cure for BV. And yes, chocolate syrup is delicious, but it also contains sugar. You know what loves to feed on sugar?…bacteria.
Yes, putting food in your vagina can change the pH. It can change the pH enough to cause a raging infection. So save the icing for your cake.
6. Unsafe lubes
Avoid lubes that contain parabens, petrochemicals, DEA, glycerin, methylisothiazolinone, Nonoxynol-9, or fragrance.
Glycerin is a byproduct of sugar. So lubes containing it will feed bacteria, and that may cause an overgrowth of yeast.
Nonoxynol-9 is just too harsh. In some people, it causes inflammation and irritation. It also kills both the good and bad bacteria. And whenever you napalm bombs your microflora…infections can incur.
Never use baby oil as a lube. It contains petroleum — otherwise known as crude oil. Petroleum is a wonder for propelling vehicles and paving streets. It is not so great in your vagina. One study found that using baby oil as a lubricant doubled the risk of bacterial vaginosis and yeast infections.
7. Unwashed toys
Clean your sex toys before and after each use unless you want to grow a petri dish of bacteria. And make sure to buy a cleaner specifically designed for cleaning toys. Many soaps contain fragrances that can irritate delicate vaginal tissue, and household cleaners can damage sex toys.
Many of the above products are hocked at women conditioned to believe their vaginas are unclean. These products use shame as their capital. So perhaps the most important thing you can never put in your vagina is anything that doesn’t celebrate just how wonderful it is.
