6 Places Men Should Stop Sticking Their Penises
Don't worry, Gentlemen. Your hot ex is not on this list.
I am no marketing expert, but I see a gaping hole in the sexual wellness industry.
Where is the new-age male version of Gwyneth Paltrow telling men to steam their balls or boost their testosterone with a jade egg shoved into an accommodating orifice?
Why don't men have a hipster bro hocking predatory products like Goop's "This Smells Like My Vagina" candle? (Yes, that is the name.) Shouldn't men have a "This Smells Like My Scrotum" candle? The injustice!
(Btw, you can DIY a scrotum candle by mixing ten-day-old smega, gasoline, and cedar with hot wax. Trademark pending…)
Now, some would argue the un-cancelable snake oil salesman Joe Rogan fills that void. But Joe's too busy peddling bogus testosterone supplements and right-wing myths. He recently spent so much energy bashing COVID vaccines in favor of the parasite pill, Ivermectin, that he hardly had time to moisturize his ballsack.
Besides, most Roganites are lost boy incels doing "their own research." He could tell his cult that dousing their dicks with cheese whiz increases sexual stamina, and no amount of sane medical advice could convince them otherwise.
And let's face it. The Roganites are not reading my ramblings.
But I can save the rational man. You know…the guy with enough critical thinking skills to know where never to stick his bits. I got you.
Now, before I singlehandedly save penises across America, I need to send you one of my many well-intentioned dick pics. We can't discuss anatomy if we can't identify the parts.
(As usual, dick pic coming…hide the young ones.)
And now I need to cut your dick in half so we can understand the cross-section view. My apologies. This won't hurt a bit.
Now that we have a handy reference let's examine the danger zones.
Danger Zone 1: Stay away from that Mary
We all remember the infamous scene in There's Something About Mary when Ted gets his "frank and beans" stuck in his zipper. Well, it turns out the movie's screenwriters, the Farrelly brothers, based that scene on an actual incident.
One day, their sister had a few male friends over. One of them went to the bathroom and got his penis stuck in his zipper. Thankfully, the senior Farrelly was a doctor and helped the boy get, um…unstuck.
Although a hilarious scene, zipper injuries are no joke. According to a recent study, the most common cause of penis injuries is "zipper entrapment." (Which btw, is the title of my next romance novel.)
Medically, it is referred to as "zipper-related penile injury" or ZIRPI. (Pronounced Zeeerpeeee. I think.)
The first zipper was patented in 1913 and was called a "Hookless Fastener." It wasn't exactly popular at first. But not because its interlocking teeth could chomp down on your pecker like a Venus Fly Trap. Oh no. The public objected to it because they feared that if men could get their pants off faster, they might have irresponsible sex. (Unfortunately, I couldn't find a single study correlating pants removal time with immorality.)
A ZIRPI usually snags the prepuce or foreskin (near the frenulum, Illustration A). Most men mangle their manhood in the zip up and not the zip down. Men's biggest penile injury risk is refusing to go to their doctor. So if you are stuck…go to the freakin' doctor!
But given that zippers cause so much agony, I can't understand why button-fly jeans aren't more popular. Are those five seconds saved really worth giving yourself an unintentional circumcision?
Sign the petition — remove zippers from men's pants.
Danger Zone 2: The sex position most likely to break your penis
Ok, buckle up… let's talk penile fractures. Because there's nothing sexy about snapping your Weiner like uncooked spaghetti. I don't have the machinery, but one would think you would have to get pretty frisky to break an organ that doesn't have a bone.
Well, you can uncross your legs, Gentlemen. Penile fractures are rare.
But when they do occur, they can get nasty. Most penile fractures are corrected with surgical stitches to repair the tunica albuginea (Illustration B). Penile fractures take approximately four to six weeks to heal, and that's four to six weeks of (gulp)…abstinence. Not fun.
Fortunately, sex researchers take penile fractures (and anything that involves penises) very seriously. Or at least seriously enough to conduct not one but TWO research studies on what sex position causes the saddest penises.
The first study examined penis fractures between January 2000 and March 2012. They found the cowgirl position was responsible for more than half of the dick breakages, followed by 28.6 percent doggy-style and 21 percent man on top.
The researchers concluded that the re-entry point was the dick-snapping moment. So ladies need to control their enthusiasm on the downstroke.
The second study found that doggy-style is the sex position that causes the most severe breaks. That one is on you, Gentlemen. If you are using your dick like a sledgehammer, you will break your tool.
Bottom line: Don't break your dick.
Danger Zone 3: Boner shakers
The first bicycles were known as "boneshakers" due to their rough ride. They really should have been called boner shakers because they banged up too many men's bits.
Don't get me wrong. Biking is great exercise and loads of fun. But biking with the wrong bicycle seat can put pressure on the pudendal artery leading to temporary or permanent erectile dysfunction.
The problem is not the pedaling. It's the sitting. When you sit on a chair, your weight is evenly distributed between your butt cheeks. Not so with your grandpa's bike seat. It puts pressure on the perineum — the area between the anus and the scrotum.
One study found that a too narrow bike seat can reduce blood flow to the penis by as much as 66%.
Fortunately, the latest bike seats can prevent the dreaded boner shaker. Here are a few things to look for in a quality bike seat.
- Always lower the nose of the seat, so it isn't banging the beans.
- Choose a bike seat that is wide enough to support your buttocks.
- Choose a seat that uses gel foam vs. foam padding. It offers better cushioning.
- Choose a bike seat with a cutout area in the center. It prevents pressure on the perineum.
Lastly, try to minimize the time seated when peddling.
Danger Zone 4: The ring of fire
There's a particular type of male specimen who gets his dick stuck in a plastic bottle. And I am sorry, I just can't help you. Carry on, and don't forget to wrap your gangrenous genitals in your confederate flag before you head to the ER.
But getting your dick stuck in a cock ring is totally plausible.
A cock ring is a sex toy that applies pressure to the base of the penis (or penis and testicles.) This pressure causes blood vessels to tighten and slows the blood away from the penis so that you can maintain an erection longer.
Sounds peachy in theory but not when it cuts off the blood supply to your genitals.
Not to terrify you, but…I am about to terrify you.
My ex-boyfriend worked in an ER and regaled me with far too many tales of stuck cock rings. It happened so frequently that he had a special circular saw to remove them.
Fortunately, you can take a few precautions to avoid being that guy in the ER with "penile strangulation."
- The ring should feel snug but not cut off your circulation. It should NOT hurt.
- Choose a ring that uses flexible silicone over metal or other materials.
- Never leave it on for more than 20 minutes.
- Always put it on in a semi-flaccid state.
- Use lube for putting it on and taking it off.
- If it gets stuck and you cannot remove it, go to the ER immediately. Although penile strangulation is rare, you can experience necrosis or even gangrene in a short time. And yes, that means your penis falls off.
A word of caution: Cock rings are not safe for anyone with diabetes, cardiovascular disease, Peyronie's disease, priapism, or if you are on blood thinners. Always talk to your doctor before experimenting.
Danger Zone 5: Gen Z was right — skinny jeans are from the devil
The 80s called, and they want their tight leather pants back. The days of killing your sperm to show off your junk are over.
And don't get me started on skinny jeans. A. They never looked good on men. B. There's nothing sexy about sweaty balls. C. Your future children will thank me for this lecture.
Tight clothing keeps testicles too close to the body, generating heat and friction. Your testicle's preferred temperature is approximately 35˚C (95˚F) — 2˚C to 4˚C below your core body temperature. But tight clothing (pants, underwear, bike shorts) raise that temperature to 40–42˚C (104–108˚F). When that happens, you get scrotal hyperthermia.
Study after study has found that even slight increases in scrotal temperature cause lower sperm counts.
In fact, heat is so efficient at melting sperm that researchers have developed heated "sperm baths" as a male contraception device.
Danger Zone 6: This article might be killing your sperm
If you are reading this article on a laptop and that laptop is across your lap…we got a problem. Similar to tight-fitting pants, a laptop generates enough heat to harm sperm. One study found men who place their laptops across their lap (thighs) have lower sperm counts.
Aside from heat, the researchers also found that the laptop's electromagnetic fields and Wi-Fi Radiofrequency radiation decreased sperm quality. Steve Jobs has been killing sperm from the grave.
And the problem isn't solely the laptop. Some men sit with their thighs touching or legs crossed when using a laptop. One study found that this position increased scrotal temperatures enough to harm sperm.
So next time a woman sitting next to you on an airplane gets annoyed with your manspreading position, politely explain to her that you are saving your unborn children.
I hope these tips save your erections and your swimmers. And if all else fails, you can rub a cooling jade egg over your ballsack and be thankful that scrotal douches are not (yet) a thing.
Disclaimer: The above is for entertainment and educational purposes only. Please seek medical advice for any penile injuries.
