The Weirdest Birth Control in History
How women once protected themselves from undesirable sperm
How I would love to go back in time and have a tea party with Dr. Marie Stopes (1880–1958). We could talk about her fossil collection (she was an expert paleontologist), sex (she wrote a best-selling sex book), and parenting (she also wrote a parenting book.)
But what I would most like to debate with her is women’s reproductive rights. Dr. Stopes is best remembered as the founder of Britain’s first birth control clinic. She also rubbed elbows with her buddy Hitler and supported creating a super race through the eugenics movement. So there’s that to discuss.
In her book on parenting, she advocated sterilization of the “hopelessly rotten and racially diseased.” To accomplish that goal, she developed a special sort of contraceptive sponge. The product was called “Racial,” and it claimed to keep undesirable sperm out.
These sponges were typically paired with homebrewed spermicides — usually quinine and olive oil. But women needed a way to get their racist sperm killer into their vaginas.
Enter the “uterine ointment introducer.”
This device worked like a modern-day tampon. You would fill the inner tube up with your sperm killer of choice, pull out the piston, and then let it rip…
And when you were done killing sperm, you could knead some dough.
Now buckle up, kids. We are getting to the scary portion of this history lesson. This is a uterine syringe.
The syringe was inserted into a glass barrel containing a spermicidal liquid (not shown) and then shot into your vagina. Clearly, doctors thought a woman’s vaginal canal went on forever.
You better be squeezing your legs together because I am.
The contraceptive tampon was another one of Stopes’ inventions. You placed the smaller end into your sperm killer of choice and then inserted it into your vagina.
It could also double as a cat toy. (I am resisting making bad puns.)
But if sticking a racist sponge or a bread roller into your lady bits didn’t get the job done, you could always use the contraceptive standby — a condom.
The first condoms were made out of animal bladders and used by ancient Egyptians and Romans. By the sixteenth century, they were made of linen and gussied up with ribbon.
During the Renaissance, men used condoms mainly to prevent STDs. But they also prevented pregnancy, and the Church was not happy about that part. At the time, people believed spermatozoa contained a tiny preformed adult, so killing them was a sin. As a result, for centuries, condoms were stigmatized as a devilish device worn only by miscreants.
Then Goodyear invented rubber in 1858, and it was game on. The first rubber condoms only covered the tip and were known as “American tips.” Around 1869, men finally realized they needed to cover the whole enchilada, and the full-length condom came en vogue. These condoms were one size fits all and reusable.
The condom biggest improvements came from a poor German-Jewish immigrant named Julius Schmid. Schmid owned a sausage casing factory in New York. (You can’t make this shit up.) In 1883, Schmid was struggling to make ends meet when he realized his sausage casings could encase more than just his sausages. His condoms earned him a loyal following, but because contraception was still legally banned, he had to advertise them as “French goods and medicines.” Ah…those frisky French products.
Finally, the U.S. legalized condoms in 1918 (but not female contraception). Interestingly, when condoms were first released to the market, they came with these rather detailed instruction manuals.
Note that the instructions recommend you put the condom on “before any sexual contact.” Trust me on this one, ladies. I have two kids that prove condoms in your nightstand drawer do not prevent pregnancy. If only.
Some condom ads make me wonder if they might have created more confusion.
So wait…playing finger puppets with a condom prevents pregnancy? Sign me up for that. Besides, everyone knows five condoms work better than one (especially if you keep it off his penis.)
But if the condom doesn’t work on his fingers…just put it on his head.
Screw that. Head condoms are for those who live dangerously. Real men don’t use those. Real men whip out an entire briefcase of contraception tools. Then, you are suddenly the Macgyver of birth control. Now that’s hot.
There’s even instruction on how to use the lube. I hope they were clear about where it goes. (Hint: not on your fingers.)
By the 1920s, women were offered another way to kill sperm — bleach. Lysol’s “feminine hygiene” products were a euphemism for birth control. At the time, female contraception was illegal, so these ads were a wink to women who wanted to clean their um…oven.
Medical Disclaimer: Bleach is not the most effective way to kill sperm. But it would strip out your lady bits enough so that you never want to have sex again.
And I leave you with this last image as a warning to all…
I often have this problem. Every time I walk down the street in my fancy feathered hat…storks attack. And yes, I will pummel that mother f*cker. Don’t mess with me, villain stork.
But if your umbrella attack doesn’t work, make sure you are wearing one of those racist sponges because it is totally ok to be racist against villain stork sperm.
