So You Want to Be Married

Three “not-so-secret” secrets to finding a forever spouse

If you are reading this article, it is possible you have already internally answered the title. “Why yes, I do want to be married. And to a forever spouse? Is that even possible anymore?” I have good news and bad news. The good news is that it is most definitely possible. The bad news? It can’t be forced and finding someone is not guaranteed.

I was blessed to find my forever spouse. If you’re wondering how I can know it will be forever, you will find out in the second point. From my own experience, I can give you three secrets (well, not really that secret) to finding a forever spouse.

Be content with being single

I know, that sounds pretty counterproductive. It’s really simple, actually. If you are not content with singleness you will not be genuine.

A person who is dependent on having a relationship will inevitably change or misrepresent who they are in order to gain one.

Only when you are content to stay single will you be unashamedly who you are. There is so much freedom in this!

I understand the response to this. “What if no one ends up wanting me for me?” The answer is not what you want to hear, but it will save you from a life of heartache. If you can’t find a spouse by being yourself then stay single. Marriage is not the holy grail. It is not the only way to fulfillment.

Happiness in marriage does not come from simply being married. You must be married to the right person. And it can only be the right person if he or she loves you for who you are.

It is rare that anyone ends up staying single due to this. Most people just end up getting in too much of a hurry. But if you do find yourself staying single you need to remember something.

It is not because there is something wrong with you. It is simply because you refuse to settle.

That is not a weakness. It is a strength. You will be better for it.

Be ready to commit for life

Lack of commitment is the number one reason for divorce across the world. Before you ever even consider marriage you need to consider your willingness to commit. Are you really willing to be dedicated to another person for better or worse, till death do you part?

If you want your marriage to be a forever marriage, your “what if” needs to become “so what if.” For example, a man might say, “What if she stops respecting me or starts nagging me? I don’t think I could stay.” He is not ready until his mindset changes to something more like this. “So what if she stops respecting me or starts nagging me? I will stay right there with her.” Do you see the difference?

Love is more than a sensation, a state of bliss, or a feeling. Love is commitment, loyalty, and seeking the good of another above yourself.

You can’t expect someone to do that for you if you are not doing it for them.

A caveat: There are some obvious exceptions to this. The most obvious is abuse. If you are being abused by your spouse you need to get out now and immediately seek help from the authorities.

Stop looking and start becoming

The kind of person you attract will be dependent upon the kind of person you are. Don’t waste your time looking for the ideal spouse. Instead, use your time to become the ideal spouse yourself.

My personal experience illustrates this well, I think. I am a Christian. As such, I obviously wanted a Christian wife. It never works well when spouses have totally different worldviews.

I didn’t go scowering churches, searching out a Christian woman. Instead, I dedicated myself to being the best Christian man I could be.

My wife did the same. We met while volunteering at a weekend event for teenagers. Neither one of us went to the event hoping to find a spouse. We were individually pursuing the same thing and our paths intersected along the way.

When you meet your spouse in the middle of a common pursuit, the marriage begins with shared vision, values, and goals.

The one thing in your control

As I said in the beginning, finding “the one” cannot be forced and is not guaranteed. The one thing in your control is you. So practice contentment, prepare for commitment, and pursue personal development. You may just run into your forever spouse along the way.

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