3 Incredible Superpowers Parenthood Bestowed Upon Me
Minus the tights
I don’t mean to brag, but I have superpowers. I didn’t always have them. Like most superheroes, there was a defining moment that brought them on. Superman got his when he traveled to a planet with a yellow sun. The Hulk was exposed to gamma radiation. Captain America was injected with a serum. Batman…
Batman didn’t get superpowers. He just got angry. But he doesn’t like to talk about it.
Anyway, what was my defining, superpower endowing moment? Having children. I’m not kidding. It legitimately gave me powers. Let me tell you about a few of them.
The whisper scream
I know, it sounds weird, but it’s actually really cool. Here’s the scenario. The baby is sleeping in the same room as me. On the other end of the house, the toddler and preschooler are reaching unacceptable decibel levels.
I have the ability to send sound waves vibrating throughout every square inch of the house except the eardrums of the sleeping baby.
So the intended audience receives a stern warning, but the baby never stops counting sheep. Science cannot explain this. It is superhuman.
Invisibility
Listen, sometimes you just want to have a cookie without the vultures swarming you. Is that too much to ask? In order to achieve this, I have developed invisibility. Some may claim I have just become really good at hiding.
Haters goina' hate.
I can literally become invisible for short periods of time. Is he hiding in the pantry? Locked himself in the bathroom? Hanging out in the car with all the garage lights out? No one knows. You can’t see me.
Take that, vultures!
On top of this, I have also achieved the ability to eat said cookie without making a sound.
Extreme bluffing
I always know exactly what I am doing and exactly where I am going. No matter what. Don’t you worry about it.
I may be staring at a random collection of parts that make no sense to me, but let my kids walk in. This thing’s about to be a masterpiece! I will teach them all they need to know about it.
I may be trying to figure out how in the world we are going to get to our destination, but let my kids ask me. I know the names of every street in this town. My mind has computed every longitude and latitude there is. I have even created some new ones that had not yet existed.
I can fake greatness with the rest of them.
What are your superpowers?
There are many more parenting superpowers, but I don’t want to steal all the thunder. What are some of yours? Tell me about it in the comments.
Who knows? We may be able to form a parent league. We could even have our own headquarters; with plenty of hiding places and cookie stashes, of course.
