Sixty-one Percent of Us Have Rape Fantasies
Are we all really twisted, or perhaps just normal?
I recently watched a very informative documentary covering the many facets of what sex looks like for different people. All one has to do is take a look around here to see that each and every one of us has a different version of what turns us on.
We writers have gone far past the stage of being able to judge one another for our inner desires, because they vary so much. What does your sex look like? Probably nothing like mine.
That’s the beauty in all of us, as individuals.
Although I wasn’t surprised to find out that some of us have rape fantasies, what did surprise me are the numbers. A formidable 61% of women and 57% of men, out of 4100 Americans surveyed, admitted to having some form of rape fantasy.
When I learned that morsel of information I messaged my sexting partner and relayed those numbers. His response?
“Eeewww. I’m definitely down for super rough CONSENSUAL sex. It’s disgusting to think that people would get off on rape.”
My first thought — I think he just called me disgusting. My second thought, I think he may have misunderstood that just because many of us fantasize about it doesn’t mean we want to be raped or be a rapist.
I’ve had sex with that guy before and I can assure you that he gets off on dominant sex, taken by surprise. That’s not much different than a controlled, consensual rape role play.
When I posted those percentages on Twitter, fellow writer Brooklyn Thomas concurred that her fantasy version of rape included waking up to a partner having sex with her, without her immediate knowledge that it was coming.
The more people I have personally questioned about this topic, the more have agreed than disagreed. I also asked a past sexual partner the same thing, a few months ago.
“Would you ever force your dick into me without permission, while I was sleeping?”
His answer was “Hell yea I would!”
I replied with an evil grin, “That’s the correct answer.”
I think the statistics are telling us that 61% of us also think that was the correct answer.
The truth about sexual fantasies in general, is that an overwhelming number of people have them, more than half of us have them daily. Our minds are actively engaged in it — a lot.
Mine happen nearly every day at work, while walking through dark parts of the building alone, which plays into the “taken by surprise” aspect. I’m fortunate to have a coworker I fool around with so it’s no surprise that I think about it in the workplace.
Regardless of gender and age, most of our fantasies are contained into three main forms:
Group sex
87% said they regularly fantasize about sex in a group setting. A surprising majority of those were over forty years old, and in monogamous, long term relationships.
I’d venture to guess it’s because they might want to shake things up a little in their relationships. Group sex fantasies stem from wanting to be an object of desire and the center of attention.
Novelty sex
This fantasy form centers on props, toys, and role play. It also includes having sex in public places such as in a car, at the office, or in a public park like setting.
I highly concur with the adrenaline rush of having sex in a public place. For me personally, it’s about the thrill of getting caught. I’ve participated in it many times and would definitely do it again any time, with a willing partner.
Power sex
This is where the rape fantasies and other forms of dominant/submissive sex styles come into play. This category includes BDSM, humiliation, and pain.
Rape fantasy isn’t something a depraved modern generation of us made popular. In fact, culturally speaking, there’s a long history of this type of fantasy.
More than half of historical American romance novels written by women, feature the rape of the lead female character, which in turn evolves into her falling in love with her rapist.
Nearly all typical Thai romance movies feature the “slap and kiss” move. The man forcefully comes on to the woman, she slaps him, they end up kissing, and she submits.
Humiliation porn is a huge genre. It commonly involves a geeky white husband being humiliated by having to watch his wife be overcome by a much more dominant, black male. I can vouch for this because it’s my preferred genre in porn, and it’s certainly not difficult to find.
A wide variety of cultures feature their own historical versions of domination and submission, or rape as the catalyst for a love affair.
Referring back to the main question, do these types of fantasies mean that we’re a twisted population of rape-hungry freaks? I think the numbers tell us otherwise.
We are more normal than we think, it’s just that nobody talks about fantasizing over rape because of the legitimate stigma that surrounds it. It doesn’t feel ethical.
Out of fairness and compassion to women who have been real victims of sexual assault, it would seem insensitive and unkind to admit that this is the dark alley our imaginations take us down, when thinking about sex.
We shouldn’t fear or feel shame over our sexual fantasies, because they’re as unique and individual as we are. We come in all shapes, sizes, and orientations. Why not celebrate our uniqueness?
There’s a certain freedom in finding consensual partners who share in our deepest ideas of how we wish to experience sex. The more comfortable we can become with our own expressions of desire, the more likely we’ll be to find others to explore our sexuality with.
As long as mutual consent and precautions are present, we should absolutely take a deeper dive into our own pleasure.
61% of us are out here looking for the rest of you.
