Signs you’re the child of a narcissist
Do you struggle to get close to others? Is it hard to trust the people you love most? You may be the child of a narcissistic parent.
by: E.B. Johnson
As children, we become reflections of the environment we are raised in. When our parents support us and foster a sense of physical and emotional security, we grow to have happy and productive relationships and futures. When they don’t, we can find ourselves struggling in the world. The adult children of narcissists know this struggle intimately and fight every day to overcome it. Getting to that healing can be hard to come by, though, as it first requires admitting who your parents really were.
Narcissistic parents are everywhere.
There are a lot of different parenting styles out there, and a lot of parents who go above and beyond to ensure their children have what they need to thrive and feel secure. Not all parents are like this, though. There are many who prioritize their own needs and ego over that of their child’s. These parents keep their children small and make themselves the center of a world that’s both toxic and undermining for the child.
Narcissistic parents are everywhere. They are both covert and overt, ravaging the lives of their children both quietly and with the grandiose battering we’ve come to expect with the clinically self-obsessed. Just because these parents are common, though, does not minimize the damage they inflict. When we grow up as the child of someone dealing with NPD, the consequences can be grave and long lasting.
We have to break out of the narrative that these self-destructive parents hand us. Those with narcissistic parents are groomed for abuse, and can find themselves dealing with toxic and dangerous partners who take their identity from them and belittle and demean their happiness and their needs. It’s a pattern that’s set from Day 1 in childhood. If we want to build fulfilling adult lives and relationships, we have to break out of this cycle and admit who our parents were and who they continue to be.
Signs you were raised by a narcissist.
Were you raised by a narcissistic parent? The signs can sometimes be hard to see through the rosy haze of childhood. Before you can move on and truly heal, though, you have to recognize the damage that’s been done. We begin this process by admitting to the behaviors of our parents and the ways in which they impacted our adult lives.
Inability to question things
When it comes to the narcissistic parent, all roads lead back to them. They don’t really have time for their children unless it benefits them, their ego, or the image they are building for themselves. For this reason, the child is not allowed to question their parent, their demands, or anything in their environment. Their job is to remain quiet and act as the prop the parent needs to feel good about themselves, or “fit in”.
Taking all the blame
Narcissists — while being horribly insecure — also have a grandly delicate ego, which they protect at all costs. It’s important that they are always viewed as being flawless, or as knowing what they’re doing and where they’re going. That’s why this type of parent demands that their children take blame for their mistakes. They also punish them for being caught out in low moments (catch mommy crying, get screamed at).The child has shattered their delicate and invincible self-image.
Creating sibling rivalry
Some narcissistic parents thrive on discord, as it allows them to retain control and exert their power at will. That’s why some parents encourage sibling rivalry or a division of the siblings within the family unit. If siblings are quarreling among one another, they’re not likely to call out the narcissistic parent on their behavior and subterfuge. Meanwhile, the parent remains in power and can continue to pull strings and call the shots.
Preventing independence
Not all narcissistic parents are domineering and frightful. Some use covert narcissism to hold on to power, and they do this by preventing their child’s independence. The child is not allowed to foster a natural sense of freedom. Instead, the narcissistic parent requires that they remain as dependent as possible; which feeds the ego and keeps them feeling powerful and important. The cover narcissist may even reverse roles with the child in order to keep them tied to the relationship.
Loving with condition
The narcissist never really loves anyone — not even themselves. They don’t truly know what love is. To most, being loved requires partners and children who “behave” and take the abuse that’s handed to them without question. More often than not, they see their children as a commodity or as a direct reflection of the family. For this reason, the parent usually makes it clear that their love is only accessible to you when they are impressed or “followed” without argument.
Blinding charm
There is nothing the covert narcissist loves to use more than charm. This charm helps them to hide their abuse, and the true way they connect with their children. If your parent ever turned on their best face when your friends and teachers were around, it may have blinded them and made it impossible for them to see the truth. This makes it even more impossible for the child to seek help.
Shaming emotions
Did your parents shame you for your emotions, or punish you whenever you got upset with them or anything else? To the narcissistic parent, emotions are an inconvenience that is rarely tolerated. Children of narcissistic parents are not allowed to have emotional reactions because it forces the parent out of the self-obsessed bubble, and can also force them to confront their own mistakes — something a narcissist absolutely cannot do.
Walking on eggshells
There is perhaps no greater trademark sign of narcissism than the feeling that you must “walk on eggshells” around them. This is because it’s impossible to be sure of how they are going to react with you, or what emotional state they are going to be in. It’s all hinged on their ego, which is unstable at best. This becomes an almost-impossible ask for a child who is dealing with their own complex growth and emotional realizations.
How to heal and find your happiness.
You don’t have to live in the shadow created by your parents forever. There are better ways to live, and there are ways in which you can heal and move on to a future that’s both full and rewarding. Accept your parents for who they are and reach out to get the help you need. Then start forgiving yourself and take your time getting back on top. This life is yours to enhance and thrive in.
1. Accept your parents for who they are
First and foremost, you have to accept your parents for who they are (or who they were). There’s no going forward until you accept the past and resolve it appropriately. This can only begin by seeing the past for what it is, and the people in it for the decisions and mistakes that they made. Once you’ve done this, you can accept them and begin to accept yourself.
Accept your parents for everything they were (and were not) for you in childhood. Know that they won’t change and there’s nothing you can do to facilitate that. They are who they are, and they decide every day who they want to be. You can’t go backward. You can only look backward, accept, and turn your attention back to the present.
It’s important to note here that acceptance is not the same as condoning something or even encouraging it. It’s simply taking a step back and saying, “Yes. This is a thing that happened.” Nothing more and nothing less. You have to have an unbiased and clear view of what happened in order to find your resolutions and heal. This happens only when we open our arms and embrace reality for all the beauty and all the ugliness it has to show us.
2. Reach out for help and education
The effects of narcissistic abuse (at any age) are complex, and their effects run deep. On your own, you may not even be able to realize or identify all the ways in which your life has been warped by the narcissistic abuse you suffered. In order to get on track, it may be necessary to arm yourself in knowledge and reach out for the expert help of a professional with experience in childhood and narcissistic abuse.
Reach out for help and lean into the support of a licensed mental health professional in order to get to the bottom of the pain you’re experiencing. They can help you uncover deeper levels of pain and realization gently.
It’s not always safe to deep-dive into our childhood alone. Learn everything you can about narcissistic personalities and learn too about the wide array of effects it has on the adult lives of the children who live alongside it. Increasing your knowledge will allow you to move forward with greater compassion toward self. It will also give you a greater sense of being seen and validated in your feelings.
3. Put the blame where it belongs
Narcissistic parents are so successful — even in manipulating their adult children — because they are masterful at misplacing blame. This allows them to deny the role they play, and it allows them to maintain control over their children by wearing them down with guilt or shame. In order for us to take control of our own lives, we have to shift this guilt back to where it really belongs…on the parents who harmed us mentally and emotionally.
It’s time for you to put the blame squarely where it belongs. You are not responsible for the trauma your parents inflicted on you (even if you’ve been left with the cleanup). You need to let go of that heavy sense of shame and guilt they put on you all those years ago. They were responsible for the quality of their own lives, and they are responsible for the hurt they caused you.
There is no need for you to hold on to their accountability anymore. Instead, it’s time for you to figure out how you want to move on. Hold their behavior as a lesson, but don’t let it hang over your head like the shadow of the guillotine, either. Imagine placing all their mistakes in a box and handing it back to them. The sooner you stop holding on, the sooner you can step up to the plate for your own family and your own future.
4. Lean into iron-clad boundaries
When we are raised by narcissistic parents, it makes it more likely that we will be abused later on in life. They groom us for abusive relationships in the future by teaching us to downplay our emotions and our needs, while settling for those who put us second and blame us for everything that goes wrong in this life. The only way to combat this successfully throughout life is by setting iron-clad boundaries you can rely on.
You have to set boundaries and limitations with your parents and everyone else in your life — yourself included. We all have certain lines that can’t be crossed, and we all need and expect certain behaviors and treatment from the people who choose to have in our lives.
Communicate those needs and expectations (to yourself too) by setting boundaries. Build fence lines around your wellbeing and communicate those lines to your parents and partners. Make it clear what you will and will not accept from them and also communicate why you are placing these limits around your needs. When they cross the line or push you too far, make sure there are consequences that involve losing access to you and your support.
5. Stop causing harm to yourself
Narcissistic parents put themselves first. It’s a macabre sort of dance in which they create a universe which revolves around them, and this doesn’t change with their children. If your parent(s) was a narcissist, then you probably learned to put yourself second. You also probably learned, though, to loathe yourself in extraordinary ways. Getting happy requires we shed this self-loathing and stop causing harm to ourselves and our bodies.
It’s time for you to stop punishing yourself both intentionally and unintentionally. Maybe you’re investing in people who put you in the same positions as your abusive and self-centered parents. Or maybe you indulge in self-destructive and risky behaviors and situations.
Hurting yourself won’t justify the pain they caused you, and it won’t heal the wounds their decisions inflicted. For all you know, they won’t feel your pain at all. The only person who you are destroying is yourself. If you’re determined to get revenge, then the only way to do that is by healing and moving on to live a life that is successful, fulfilled, and so packed full of love you can barely move. There’s no sweeter reckoning than showing the narcissist they don’t control you or your future.
Putting it all together…
Being raised by narcissistic parents can lead to major heartbreak and upset in our adult lives. It grooms us for abuse, but it also sets us up for personal confusion and self-loathing. In order to find our way to a happy and productive future, we have to let go of the narcissistic abuse passed down to us by our parents and recognize the signs of their abuse in our lives.
First, accept your parents for who they are and stop trying to pretend they are something they aren’t. Admitting who your parents are doesn’t mean you love them or appreciate anything they’ve done for you any less. Educate yourself on narcissism and reach out for the help and guidance of a licensed mental health professional. Put the blame where it belongs and stop punishing yourself for the behaviors and decisions your parents consciously engaged in. Set iron-clad boundaries for yourself, your parents, and everyone else around you. Above all, though, stop causing harm to yourself. It’s okay to be happy, and it’s okay to be true to yourself. You only have a limited time. Make the most of your life right now in this moment.
