Signs Your New Boyfriend Might Be a Narcissist

After years of narcissistic abuse, I’m on the lookout for red flags

Meeting my husband is the best thing that happened to me.

He was funny, kind, and sweeter than any of the other guys I had met before.

I had also been through a string of shitty boyfriends and I almost managed to convince myself that being ignored, dicked around, and legitimately abused was just part of dating men.

Now, I had a boyfriend who showed me not only what it was like to be respected and treated with decency, but that I actually deserved it.

I know, I know. That’s an incredibly low bar. But he gave me a lot more than just the basics.

This wasn’t just a new relationship. It was also a new lease on life.

Everything was looking up. Except for one thing.

His mother.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Is Hell to Deal With

I couldn’t wait to move out of my house.

I loved my bedroom. It was my private oasis with walls I painted myself in designs that looked sort of like black vines. It’s where I listened to heavy metal music, chatted online with boys, and read the erotic novels I stole from my mother.

It was also close enough to where all my friends lived, and it wasn’t hard to get to open invitation parties.

It would’ve been great if it wasn’t for the fact that my dad lived there, too.

I never felt safe or comfortable around my dad. He had the kind of presence that sucked the life out of the room, and it was impossible to tell what would set him off. He was demanding, petty, and quick with a cruel word.

At the time, I just thought he was an asshole. Now I know he’s a special kind of asshole — a narcissist.

Narcissistic personality disorder, I later found out, is a condition that combines an excessively aggrandized view of oneself, a deep need for attention or admiration, and none of the empathy that prevents most of us from harming people in our quest for those things.

Outside the home, that manifests in ways that don’t seem too toxic on the surface. My dad is the kind of guy who knows everyone. He puts in a lot of time trying to make himself at least minimally popular. Meanwhile, he works several jobs so that he can get the things that he believes will make people look up to him: a decent salary, a home that’s too big for his needs, and mountains of stuff.

Inside the home, though, it’s a whole other story.

His family is less a source of love and joy for him and more like an accessory. It’s one of those things that he has to show off that he’s really made it in life.

The problem is, I wasn’t the kind of daughter he wanted to show off. I was a constant source of disappointment.

I wasn’t earning the top grades in my class and I had no clear sign of going places in life (in my defense, I was high through most of high school).

I wasn’t excelling in music or athletics. My only real extracurricular activities (if you don’t count showing newbies how to smoke weed with a beer can or an apple) were trying to find love and, when that failed, looking to get laid.

But mostly, I was fat. Chubby, really, but it was enough to bother him. If he would’ve wanted one thing from me, it’s for me to be conventionally attractive. Maybe not like a supermodel — I’m sure he would’ve settled for a pageant queen.

Even if I was thin, though, I’m not sure it would’ve been good enough. He would have surely focused on some other shortcoming of mine because nothing was ever good enough.

My dad did some stuff for fun. He played guitar. He drank and partied. He sometimes watched a movie (well, fell asleep in front of the TV and then still somehow had an opinion about what he “watched,” but bless his heart for trying).

But his real hobby was belittling me and reminding me constantly that nothing I did (or was) was good enough for him.

That kind of shit takes a toll on your self-esteem, your sense of self-worth, and your general well-being.

Shot By Both Sides: Marrying into More Narcissism

When I finally met a really decent guy, I thought he could pull me out of the orbit of the narcissist who raised me. And he did, but he also pulled me into a new narcissist’s orbit.

From the very beginning, there was something about my future mother-in-law that made me uneasy.

Again, I didn’t quite know what narcissism was at the time, so I didn’t have that conceptual framework for her behavior. I also didn’t really lump her in with my father, because where he’s an overt narcissist, she’s a covert one.

Still, I could tell there was something off, and it went well beyond the normal difficulties and conflicts that can arise with any mother-in-law.

From the very beginning, she set up an antagonistic relationship with me. She wouldn’t address it to my face or anything, but she tried to constantly assert herself as the most important woman in her son’s life.

She started being more demanding of his time. She came up with fishy excuses to steal him away while he was spending time with me. When he decided to spend time with me instead, she got pissy and usually enlisted her husband to come put some pressure on Mr. Austin.

Once, when she didn’t get her way with him, she gave us (and our dog) the silent treatment for a week. It was meant to punish us, but it was quite blissful, truth be told.

She didn’t insult me directly, but she had mastered the art of the backhanded compliment.

Boundaries were a big issue. She repeatedly showed up to our apartment after we told her not to come over. Sometimes, she’d bring a relative we hadn’t seen in a while to make sure we let her have her way without making a scene.

She had no respect for our privacy. It was at its worse when we lived with her in the early stages of our relationship. She liked to snoop, so we locked the door to our room when we left for the day. Once, we came home and found out that she had made her husband remove the doorknob so she could get in. She gave us some thin excuse about looking for something that had gone missing (apparently, she couldn’t wait until we got back) which she clearly drew out of thin air.

Moving in with my soon-to-be husband was clearly not enough. If we were going to get some distance from the narcissists in our lives, we’d have to move out of town.

Attending university gave us the perfect opportunity to do that. We’re not from a college town, so even though we went to the closest school, we were still 250 kilometers away from our biggest problems.

Living on High Alert

After putting up with emotional abuse our entire lives, we had finally put some distance between us and our narcissistic parents.

That distance gave us perspective. We could see our experiences more objectively and understand them better. We finally started healing from it.

But we knew we’d need even more distance if we were going to heal fully (well, as fully as we could). And once we started having children, we enforced that distance.

We did it for them. We didn’t want them to deal with the same things we dealt with growing up. But we definitely benefited from it, too.

We’ve gone no contact with my father, meaning that we don’t see or talk to him. He knows my phone number. He sends presents for the kids on their birthdays and Christmas. But that’s the extent of our relationship.

With my mother-in-law, it’s more complicated. Mr. Austin’s not ready to go no contact with her, and I respect that decision. In part, it’s because her emotional neglect was easier to recover from than the overt emotional abuse I got from my father. Though, by his own admission, having internalized a lifetime of guilting (mostly from his father) whenever he didn’t give his mother her way probably plays a role.

We’ve limited visits from her. We need advance notice, and we see her about every other month for a few hours. She visits our place — we never give her home field advantage. We tried that before, and it was bad news.

Now, we live a mostly narcissist-free life. And although we’re still dealing with the aftermath of being raised by them, we finally feel like we’re constantly breathing fresh, non-toxic air.

And we never want that to change.

I never want to let another narcissistic person deep into our lives. I know the damage they can do. A lot of narcissistic behavior is highly triggering to me, and it’s really difficult to get over.

I’m careful with who I get close to. That means taking it a bit slowly even when I’m making friends, because I want to be sure.

Then there’s another complication. We’re a happily married, devoted, and closely connected couple. We also happen to be not quite monogamous.

I’m not actively dating or looking for a partner, but it’s an open possibility. If I ever meet the right person, I can welcome them into my life and my husband’s.

But I tread extremely lightly when it comes to people I see as potential partners.

My husband and I have tons of experience with narcissists, and that’s made us really good at spotting the red flags earlier than most people. But “earlier than most people” is not immediately.

The thing with narcissists is they’re really, really good at putting up a facade. They often know how to say all the right things. They know how to gain trust and enter someone’s life.

It’s once they’re in that they show their true colors.

My father is well-liked by most people. He seems like just a fun guy. A bit of a party animal at times, but harmless.

My mother-in-law, she seems like a sweet lady. A bit confused or confusing at times, maybe, but everyone thinks she means well.

It doesn’t take long before someone sees their true colors, though. One thing they both have in common is that they cycle through friends quickly. They manage to alienate people almost as soon as they get close to them.

The facade fades quickly, but it works for a while.

That’s why I’m on high alert. I know how easy it is to miss the signs, how easy it is to fall for a narcissist’s self-presentation, and how easy it is to put our trust in them.

I won’t always be able to spot narcissists right away, or even months into a relationship with them. But I can hopefully identify them before they can wreak too much havoc on our lives.

Here’s what that looks like in practice. These are the red flags I watch out for when I’m considering someone as a potential boyfriend (though they might apply to girlfriends, too). And even if you haven’t been burned by a narcissist before, it’s worth being on the lookout for them.

He Has a Deep and Excessive Need for Admiration and Validation

Being admired feels good and we all need some regular jolts of validation. What makes someone a narcissist is their singular and blinkered pursuit of it.

You might notice him spending a lot of time fishing for compliments. If you miss an opportunity, even a slight one, to express admiration or issue a bit of praise, you’re likely to feel something change in the air. He might get glum, make passive aggressive comments, or just repeat his attempt at receiving a compliment (repeat that funny thing he said, send you another selfie, whatever it might be).

A narcissist will often seek validation at the expense of the needs or comfort of others. He might look for compliments at inappropriate times (say, sending you a selfie during a serious text conversation about a problem you’re dealing with) or from the wrong people (don’t be surprised if he flirts with your sister).

If you spend enough time in a relationship with a narcissist, you might start to feel like you exist just to compliment them and validate their feelings.

He Makes Everything About Himself

Have you ever had a conversation with a guy who spends the entire time looking for little excuses to talk about himself?

You could bring up your menstrual cramps and he’ll somehow make it about himself.

A narcissist might be able to listen to you and show an interest in getting to know you early in your relationship, but it usually doesn’t last.

After a while, you realize that he stops asking you follow-up questions when you tell him something about yourself. Then, he stops asking about you altogether. You suspect that if you stopped volunteering that information, he wouldn’t care enough to ask.

Before long, he’s avoiding conversations unless they’re somehow about him. And when he does listen to you, he’s patiently staring at you until your lips stop moving so he can start telling you what’s on his mind and steer the conversation back to him.

He’s a Perfectionist — And Not in a Good Way

I married a perfectionist. He’s a professional writer and editor, and when it comes to those things, he’s always trying to improve.

It doesn’t matter how often he’s edited an article he’s been working on for a while, it never feels finished. He publishes it, but remains well aware of all the ways it could have been better.

It’s not a bad quality. He’s probably a better writer for it because he is constantly trying to improve.

Perfectionism becomes a problem when it takes over someone’s life. If you’re dating a narcissist, you might get the sense that he needs to be perfect at nearly everything he does, and anything less is simply not good enough.

He’ll never be fit enough, never be successful enough, never be skilled enough — not so long as there’s someone else who still surpasses him.

Here’s the other thing about narcissistic perfectionism. Mr. Austin’s perfectionism makes him study the craft of writing. He experiments. He tries new techniques. He edits and edits and edits. He takes concrete steps to improve his work.

A narcissist is much more likely to just complain about their lack of achievement, not do anything about it. If you’ve got a narcissist boyfriend, you might give them simple, practical solutions to improve in the areas they feel inadequate only to get shot down repeatedly.

You’ll be told why your suggestion (which they refuse to try) won’t work. Or he’ll say it’s too much work. Or he’ll simply dismiss it by saying something like “That works for others but it wouldn’t work for me.”

He’ll just keep complaining without doing anything to change it. Because a narcissist doesn’t want to be better, he just wants others to admire him and look up to him, whether he deserves it or not.

He Doesn’t Want to Label Your Relationship

If you’re involved with a narcissist, it might be hard to figure out just what the nature of your relationship is. That’s because plenty of narcissists don’t like labels.

He’ll make it seem like it’s a principled thing. Why put a label on something and box it in when you could just enjoy what you have without having to put a name on it?

The real reason a narcissist doesn’t like labels is because labels come with responsibilities and expectations. You owe someone a little more of yourself when you’re their boyfriend or girlfriend than you do if you’re just dating, fooling around, or in one of those “it’s complicated” relationships.

Without the expectations that come with a label like “boyfriend,” he’s free to enjoy the benefits of your relationship whenever he wants them, and just ignore you the rest of the time.

If he wants companionship, attention, validation, or sex, he’ll be acting like your regular run of the mill boyfriend. The rest of the time, he’s so emotionally unavailable you might wonder if you’re anything more than acquaintances.

That hot and cold attitude is because a narcissist cares a lot about themselves, and not a whole lot about their partner. Because of that, he won’t want to do any of the heavy lifting in the relationship. Communication, support, and being there for him is your job.

When you need the same? Well, he never wanted to actually commit to saying he’s your boyfriend, so he’ll act like you can’t expect those things from him.

He Has a Strong Sense of Entitlement

There’s one reason that narcissists are hard to spot at first: they’re usually getting what they want out of a new relationship.

You’re still paying a lot of attention to him and complimenting him frequently.

His requests are reasonable and he’s still willing to at least put in some work to get you to like him.

That’s why it’s a good idea to try the “No” Test on your boyfriend before your life gets too entangled with his. Ideally, you’d try it even earlier, before he’s your boyfriend and while you’re just dating or seeing each other casually.

The “No” Test is simple. You take one of his requests that you would normally agree to and simply say “no” to it.

The point of the “No” Test is to see how they react to you declining something they expected to get from you. Whatever you’re saying “no” to — seeing him on short notice, visiting his mom, having sex with him — look for his reaction.

If it’s a normal, respectful type of disappointment, you’re good. If he’s accommodating, he might just be a good ol’ nice guy.

But if he gets angry, demanding, insistent, pouty, manipulative, or simply doesn’t give a shit and takes what he wants anyway (remember that thing about my mother-in-law showing up when we told her not to?) then he’s waving a red flag more vigorously than a matador.

It’s a good idea to repeat the “No” Test a few times. Some of the things you say no to might not be that important to him even if it seems like it would be, like having sex or having sex the way he wants to. He might also be able to put up with being told “no” once (even if he’s seething on the inside) but have an outburst or act like a dick after hearing it a few times.

There’s no easier way to find out whether he feels entitled to getting whatever he wants from you than by putting up a boundary. And saying “no” is the simplest and most effective boundary you can establish.

He Gets Mad at You for Telling the Truth to Others

Narcissists can do some pretty fucked up shit. They can manipulate, denigrate, and gaslight you so they can keep control over the relationship and get their way from you.

Being in a relationship with a narcissist, and especially living with one, means you’re going to come out of it with plenty of stories.

Those stories won’t paint him in a positive light, but they’re your stories, too. So, you’re entitled to share some of them.

He won’t see it that way. Anything that tarnishes his image will be contrary to the positive attention and admiration he craves.

Instead of taking ownership of his end of the story — admitting to what he did and explaining how he’s making amends or growing from it — he’s more likely to just get pissed off at you for revealing the way he is to others. Even if it’s just in some small way.

Actually, it’s often worse than that. He might be upset about you telling a true story that makes him seem good — because a lie could’ve made him seem better.

A friend of mine’s boyfriend used to tell a version of events that invariably made him sound a lot cooler and more interesting. She’d roll her eyes and tell us privately that some parts of his story were embellished or plain made up. What she wasn’t comfortable doing was confronting him about it — presumably because he didn’t react too kindly when she did.

If you telling accurate versions of events upsets him because he wants to be shown in a better light than the clear light of day, proceed with caution (or better yet, get the fuck out while it’s easy).

He Has a History of Troubled Relationships (And He Never Takes the Blame for Them)

Everyone you date probably has a series of relationships behind them, and few relationships end amicably. It’s normal for there to be a lot of tumult, strong emotions, and difficult times.

We’ve all made mistakes with our past girlfriends and boyfriends. We’ve all fucked up in big and small ways, been less than our best selves, and grown from it.

So, you should be a bit suspicious if your boyfriend has had plenty of relationships explode, implode, or just die out but he never takes the blame for any of it.

Mr. Austin had two serious, long-term relationships before we met.

The first one ended pretty badly. After spending some time regularly belittling and behaving insensitively to him, she cheated on him to put an end to the relationship in a dramatic way. To hear Mr. Austin tell it, he might not have been the right type of guy for her, but she did not handle it the right way at all.

But his second relationship was quite different. This time, he dated a thoughtful and generous sweetheart. Things were going really well, but she eventually called it off with him — not by cheating on him but in a long conversation. The reason? Well, if you ask Mr. Austin, he’ll tell you it’s because he didn’t pull his weight. He admits to having been kind of a crappy boyfriend — too selfish, not very thoughtful, and just generally holding her back.

Luckily for me, he learned a lot from that experience. Screwing things up led to some soul searching, which led to him working on himself and trying to build better character. He has some fond memories from that relationship, but also a healthy dose of shame and regret.

That’s not at all what it was like when I’ve dated guys who were either full-blown narcissists or at least showed some narcissistic tendencies.

Their relationships usually ended more dramatically — more like a trash fire than a mature conversation.

And when I asked them why, I got the same kind of explanation for each one.

“She was crazy.”

“She was way too demanding.”

“She was a bitch.”

“She broke up with me out of the blue, even though I did everything right.”

Notice how the pronoun that keeps coming up isn’t in the first person?

They always placed the blame on their exes, and never on themselves. In every case, they claimed to be the victim.

Now, I know it’s possible that the guy you’re seeing just has bad luck. Maybe he’s perfectly decent and his last fourteen girlfriends were just absolute monsters.

Maybe.

But isn’t it more likely that he just can’t see his flaws and finds a way to blame others for his shitty behavior?

He Can’t Be Vulnerable

Being vulnerable is hard. It involves trusting someone enough to show them every facet of yourself. It means putting yourself at risk of judgment.

It’s also incredibly rewarding. You can’t get really close to someone without being vulnerable with them. Opening up totally, even about the stuff that makes you a bit uncomfortable, allows you to build some deep intimacy with someone.

If you’re dating a narcissist, you might feel like you’re opening yourself up to him but he still feels kind of closed off to you. You’re confessing deeper and deeper truths about yourself, but you still feel like he’s kind of a mystery.

If he never admits to his flaws or shows you his imperfections, it might be because he cares about his image more than he cares to get close to you — or anyone. And you can bet he’ll get defensive if you bring them up.

Narcissists are too closed off to be so revealing of themselves. It’s no wonder, then, that I find vulnerability so sexy.

This Isn’t a Checklist

There’s no exact science here. Through a combination of personal experience and research, these are the behaviors and traits that stand out to me as warning signs of a narcissist.

Does that mean your boyfriend is a narcissist if he checks two of the boxes on this list? What about three? Or four?

I have no idea. But I do know you should have your guard up.

If you notice this kind of behavior, make sure you protect your emotions and get the answers you need from them. Evaluate your relationship and see if you’re really getting what you want from it (including basic levels of respect).

What I do know is that I’m not willing to take any risks when it comes to letting a narcissist into my life.

No guy is worth that, no matter how fun he seems at first.

After being subjected to narcissistic abuse for most of my life, I’m looking out for myself by watching out for these warning signs.

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