The Easiest Way To Avoid Falling For An Abusive Partner
Experts call it the “No" Test.
There's a saying in relationships that "red flags are roses," meaning that people easily write off bad behavior in the early stages of romance. The things that should have been red flags become "roses" as we make excuses for the other person early in the game. What's worse is that we later question how we might have known there was something wrong early on.
To be clear, abuse is never the survivor’s fault. We are never to blame for the abusive actions of another person.
Nobody deserves to put up with an abusive partner, though some people do seem to wind up with more than their lion’s share of exes who have ridiculed, abused, or otherwise walked all over them.
I am far from the only person to occasionally step back to look over her dating history and wonder what I might have been done to avoid falling for the wrong kind of person in the first place.
Red flags don't have to be roses
What if there was a simple way to help screen out potential offenders? What if there was a very easy tool you could use on your dates before you fell for an abuser's hook, line, and sinker? I'm talking about weeding out a chunk of the folks who have zero place in your life long before they can actually become a part of it.
While that might sound too good to be true, one expert claims it’s quite possible--and very easy to do. A domestic violence counselor named Rob Andrew suggests we use something he calls the "No" Test.
In other words, Rob recommends that we analyze a date’s reaction to the first time we tell them no.
The F Word is one big red flag
If your date is disappointed, that's natural. But how they express their disappointment matters. You’re more likely dealing with an even-keeled adult who can handle things not going their way if your date leaves their reaction at disappointment.
But if your date displays frustration? Think again about going forward with a relationship. Expressing frustration is often the precursor to outbursts of anger and entitlement.
How many times does my 4-year-old tell me, “I’m not angry, I’m frustrated?” Frankly, she tells me that every damn time that she starts taking her "frustrations" out on me.
At 4-years-old, my daughter isn't equipped with a ton of self-control, so that’s natural. But when we're talking about a 40-year-old man or woman? The way they respond to your first use of the word no can say a helluva lot about any future partnership.
Frustration is a natural emotion, no question. But grownups with healthy boundaries and reasonable emotional intelligence learn how to manage their frustration without putting it on others. Displays of frustration ventures into entitlement--the notion that someone owed you a "yes" instead of a "no."
Personally, I have been wounded in more than one abusive relationship in my life. But I also have borderline personality disorder, so drafting and enforcing proper boundaries has been a significant challenge for me. I had to do a lot of emotional work just to ensure I knew how to be a healthy and non-abusive partner myself. Emotional manipulation doesn't look good on anybody.
Clearly, it’s very easy to feel like somebody we’re dating owes us all (or mostly) "yeses," but the reality is that they don’t. We can't own another person. Not even if we get married. A healthy relationship requires that we learn how to manage disappointment, expectations, and boundaries. And not begrudgingly--with actual finesse.
Why the "No" Test works
Rob says that the "No" Test is effective because it helps a person better frame what is and isn’t acceptable behavior. All too often when a person gets involved with a new partner who turns out to be abusive, they can’t even see where they missed the red flags.
Of course, a big reason we overlook red flags is simply that we’re trying to be agreeable and have an open mind. Dating is hard, and people aren't perfect --and nobody wants to wind up alone because they were too hard on a date.
However, we owe it to ourselves to only pursue partners who respect us. So it's vital that we learn how to be assertive and not only say it, but mean it when a date pushes us, and then walk away when they can't deal with hearing no.
What I love about the "No" Test
It's equal opportunity. Seriously, the "No" Test may be applied you men, women, or non-binary persons. We know that all genders are capable of domestic abuse and this helps catch potential offenders.
It's a beneficial check-in for ourselves as well. What about the first time a partner tells us no? Can we handle it with grace or are we too offended to not respond with passive aggression? This is a great tool for anyone seeking a mutually life-affirming relationship. It reminds us how to behave as well.
And human behavior doesn’t typically improve over time the more you get to know someone. If anything, we become more relaxed as we get comfortable and are less likely to be on our “best behavior” as time passes.
Plus, many survivors of abuse have a hard time not holding onto a lot of blame. They might think there's something wrong with them. But using the test to analyze a potential (or even former) partner helps give us a clear line rather than going back and forth in our heads and wondering if a date's response crossed a line or not.
And let's face it. Partners don't typically become more polite over time. If, in the earliest stages of a relationship, a person can’t take the word “no” gracefully, we have no reason to believe that reaction won’t only deteriorate over time.
Healthy relationships run on consent
Although consent is a big buzzword today, it's not something we ever talked about when I was growing up. And it isn't only sexual consent that matters. Too many relationships struggle because one or both partners can't stand to hear the word no.
Yes, there are things a healthy partner ought to want with you. Mainly, they ought to want to pitch in and work on the relationship right alongside you. But here's the thing: we still can't control a partner. We can't make them want to put in the work if they really don't want to do it.
Consent in all things matters. So, if you've got a partner who simply won't put in the effort, it makes the most sense to call it. Quit trying to get them on your side. Move on.
But also, ask yourself if you've been fair in your relationships. Even friends can be guilty of trying to manipulate or coerce a loved one. Remember to not only assert your right to say no, but also respect your loved ones who rightfully tell you no too.
