It’s time to admit that they’re emotionally unavailable

Feel like you’re giving your all with nothing in return? It might be time to admit that they’re emotionally unavailable.

by: E.B. Johnson

There are few experiences more painful than falling in love with someone who is emotionally unvailable. In these one-sided relationships, we find ourselves plagued with both disappointment and heartache. Yet they are relationships that we often insist on remaining in. We believe that we can fix the broken person that we see across from us, or we think that we can change them by simply loving them enough. Neither, however, is true — and both lead to even more disappointment.

Emotionally unavailable people cannot be transformed by our love, and they cannot be healed by our insistence on building something they don’t want. The only person we can change or control is ourselves. So, when we find ourselves engaged with someone who isn’t all there emotionally, we have to work hard to re-establish our independence and safeguard our wellbeing. This happens by cultivating a wider breadth of understanding, while finding the courage to stand on our own two feet.

Opening up is rarely an easy thing to do.

We live in an emotionally taxing world that drains us and makes it hard to stay connected. It seems like we are constantly being tested, tried or otherwise challenged in ways that press both our relationships and our plans into some pretty tight places. These hardships shape the way we see ourselves and the world around us, but they can often warp the way we see things like love. When you’ve been hurt too many times, becoming emotionally unavailable is often the safest thing to do, but it hurts our partners in some deep and lasting ways.

Clinging to someone who isn’t there for you emotionally is folly, and it’s guaranteed to leave you hurt and looking for answers. When you invest in someone who is emotionally unavailable, you invest in a one-sided relationship that can provide little more than hard work for you and a lot of disappointment and contempt.

Stop settling for people who can’t love you back. Stop wasting your time in a chase that has no ending, and a partnership that has no longevity. If a romantic relationship figures heavily into your future happiness, then focus on cultivating that by letting go of those relationships and people who are holding you back. We cannot change people, nor can we take their pain and their suffering from them. Though you might love this person dearly, you have to decide whether they can ever offer you the things you need as a friend and as a lover. Don’t run from the truth.

Why we pursue emotionally unavailable people.

Our pursuit of emotionally unavailable people has little to do with them and everything to do with us. We chase these partners because of our own individual hangups and past traumas. The sooner we identify these root causes, the easier it becomes to understand our willingness to settle as a whole.

Thrill of the chase

There is a certain thrill in the chase of new love or a new relationship. It gives us butterflies and is a uniquely exhilarating rush that can be addictive in its own way. When we fall in love with the thrill of the chase more than we do the people on the other end of it, we can find ourselves setting up toxic and doomed relationships. This includes settling for emotionally unavailable partners who can stay forever out of reach (thus drawing out the chase).

Fantasy goggles

Many of us stay chained to emotionally unavailable people because we have an inability (or an unwillingness) to take off our fantasy goggles. We are so desperate for a relationship or love, that we force ourselves to see the relationship as something that it isn’t. As such, we turn our back on toxic behaviors and find ourselves confronted with seeping disappointment and resentment that makes it impossible for the relationship to function healthily.

Self-sabotage

Did you know that we often love unavailable people as a form of self-sabotage? We either know the relationship will have a disastrous ending, or we know that we won’t actually have to invest much energy and vulnerability into the partnership. In both scenarios, we are denying ourselves happy, loving support — therefore sabotaging ourselves and the things we want for our futures. When the inevitable disaster ending hits, all of our negative ideas are reinforced and our lives spin further down the hole.

Failing to spot patterns

Our lives are ultimately a series of different patterns and behaviors. These patterns are generally learned and go a long way in defining the course of our lives and things like our relationships. When you to fail to regularly analyze your behavior or your patterns, it can result in never-ending cycles of negative feedback that further undermines our ultimate happiness and wellbeing.

Holding onto the past

The events in our pasts go a long way in defining the way we view the world and the way we view one another and ourselves. If you have a complicated family history, or a laundry list of traumatic relationship experiences — it can result in desperate re-enactions that seek to resolve the pain of the past. You cannot solve what happened by replaying the events in your future. The only thing you can do is resolve it from within and find the power to move beyond it.

Major savior complex

Those who came from broken homes, and those who come from socially restrictive societies, can often cultivate a savior complex. This occurs when you think you can change your partner, or somehow win them over through a “noble struggle” that will also validate your self-worth as a person. Our worth cannot be defined by others, however, and the only person we are capable of changing is ourselves. You can’t save them. If you want to save someone, save yourself.

Signs your love interest is emotionally unavailable.

Once you have a handle on the reasons behind your desperate pursuit, you can start to take notice of the signs of an emotionally unavailable partner. From a lack of affection, to a lack of support — you risk ignoring these red flags at your own emotional peril.

Zero obvious affection

Consider the affection that you and your partner share. When we are in a relationship, affection is important and helps us to stay in touch and interested in one another. If they don’t show a lot of affection and they don’t seem to handle yours well either, it could be a sign that they are uncomfortable with emotional closeness. While this might temporary or explainable, it can also be a sign of something much more concerning.

A preference for alone time

When we fall for someone, we want to spend time alone with them and we go out of our way to create shared experiences with them. What does this alone time look like with your current partner? Do you share a lot of time together, or do they want to be on their own all the time? If they never show any real interest (or excitement) when it comes to spending time with you in the real world, it might indicate a partner who is struggling to get close.

Inability to express emotion

Does your partner express what they’re feeling freely and openly? Or do they struggle to express any sort of real emotion with you — even disappointment or aggravation? When your partner is a sort of “blank slate” that gives you very little response to work with, it can make you feel as though you’re in an off-balance partnership (you are). In reaction, you may feel as though your behaviors are more extreme, or your emotions too intense in their presence; all because they’re a void with no response.

Limited communication

Communication is a cornerstone of any successful relationship, but it requires the willing efforts of both parties in order to work. That means sharing our upsets when things go wrong and opening up about our pasts and the way we feel about and see things. A partner who fails to open up, or to share anything of real meaning or value with you, is someone who you can’t get close to. They won’t let you in, and you won’t ever really be able to let them in either. Which means it will be hard to stay bonded when life gets tough.

Stuck in the past

Being emotionally unavailable isn’t just about being closed off to our partners. It can also happen when we’re stuck too deeply in the past. If your partner or love interest is still obsessed with an ex or a relationship-that-was, then they don’t have enough room in their hearts (or their thoughts) for you. Serious, committed relationships require a lot of time and effort; but they also require valuable real estate in our lives. A partner that’s stuck in the past is one who can’t give you their emotional call.

Unable to show support

Emotional availability is also about the ways in which we show support to our loved ones. When we commit to our partners, we’re committing to loving them and showing them affection — but we’re also committing to supporting them and being there for them when they are down and struggling. Where is your spouse or partner when things get hard for you? Are they waiting in the wings, ready to swoop in and lend a helping hand? Or do they disappear on quests of their own, in order to avoid the burden?

How to deal with an emotionally unavailable partner.

You don’t have to settle for the emotional distance. You don’t have to stay in a partnership with someone who’s only halfway there. Take action today and start dealing with your emotionally unavailable partner by utilizing these techniques.

1. Figure out where you stand

The first step in dealing with an emotionally unavailable partner is figuring out where you stand. Before making any grand declarations or dramatic gestures, get to know your own mind and the things that you want from a romantic relationship. Once you have a firm handle on your vision, you can better communicate both your needs and the action that you plan to take for your wellbeing.

Step back from both your love interest and your relationship. Get some time on your own and really give yourself uninterrupted space and time to think things through. Take a few minutes each day to journal about the things you want from your partner, or the things you pictured for your relationship. Write down your short-term and long-term relationship goals.

Has your partner helped you meet any of these goals? When you look 10 or 20 years into the future — do you see yourself seeing next to them with a content and accomplished feeling? Or do you still see disappointment and aggravation as the norm? Be honest with yourself and be honest about yourself. After you figure out exactly where you stand, you can take careful and concentrated action to change the course of your own life (independent of their actions and decisions).

2. Drop your savior complex

So many of us cling to unavailable people because we think that we can somehow change or inspire them with our love. On top of that, we also usually wager our own worth against this bet. We invest our entire self-opinion on our ability to “make them love us” and then find that we hate ourselves when it all comes crashing down. Drop this savior complex if you want to find the strength to move beyond an emotionally unavailable partner.

You can’t change your partner, and no amount of love or blind commitment will change that. You can’t take their pain from them, or fix all those broken little pieces that make them shy away from the companionship you want to give them. Stop clinging to something that is so clearly wrong.

We are each in charge of our own journey here. We are each in charge of handling our emotions and the way in which we react to the world around us. You cannot force them to love you, and your suffering (no matter how noble you think it might be) will not change their minds. Once you drop this savior complex, you’ll start to see things for what they truly are, and you’ll start to see that — perhaps — it’s time for you to find a better match to your needs.

3. Communicate your needs

Our needs are crucial, but there are many who bury them or destroy them in an effort to sacrifice themselves up for a warped definition of “love”. We have to embrace our needs and create space for them within our partnerships in order to establish an authentic state of happiness for ourselves. This takes communication, however, and ensuring that our partner knows where we stand and what we will and will not accept.

Now that you’re clear on what you want and what you need, communicate those things to your emotionally unavailable partner. Before you walk away or take dramatic action, take one last instance to communicate both what you need from them and what you expect from them.

After you’ve had a chance to state your peace, leave room for them to do the same. This is the point at which you will truly discover whether you both can invest the energy and effort it takes to make this relationship work. Leave no stone unturned when it comes to what you want emotionally. Be clear about the support you expect from them, the affection you need to see, hear and feel. The more honest you are with them now, the more clear your future will become later.

4. Develop a stronger sense of self

Those with a truly strong sense of self are rarely led astray by the temptations of the emotionally unavailable partner. This is because they know what they want, but they also know what they don’t want. Within this, they are committed to taking action in the name of their happiness, while also being committed to breaking the past patterns that allows these people to come back into their lives. The stronger your sense of self, the easier it is to draw a line in the sand and stick up for your needs.

Slowly lean into your own personal space. Find your independence again, and figure out who you are on your own — without the other person, and without their expectations. Realize that you don’t need someone else to define you or provide you with happiness. Understand that for every partner that walks away, there are thousands more that could take their place.

Focus on your strengths. Look back at all the challenges you have overcome on your own and provide yourself some more confidence and comfort by falling back into the arms of your passions and pastimes. The stronger your sense of self becomes, the less reliant you are on the opinions, actions and outlooks of other people. This one relationship does not define you. This one person’s inability to commit to you is not a sign of your worth.

5. Stop settling and sabotaging

Ultimately, when you give yourself to someone who is emotionally unavailable — you’re settling for less than you deserve, and you’re sabotaging your future. Whether the action is taken consciously or unconsciously does not matter. Allowing a lower standard of person or relationship to dominate your life brings down the quality of your experience. If you want a luxury life, you have to stop settling for sub-par partners.

Establish some boundaries for yourself and do it with respect. Defend your needs; pursue your desires. When someone disrespects you or your environment — understand that they don’t need to remain a part of your world. Protect yourself. Stand up for yourself. Grow a backbone and stop settling for people who don’t want to be in your life in the first place.

Take action on the patterns that keep holding you back. Look at the pain of your past and tell it, “I no longer give you power over my actions here in the present.” Say this to yourself every day and repeat it until you believe it. You will become more confident until you understand that you don’t owe your life to anyone else. You are worth every happiness and every delight in this world. Hold that knowledge close to your heart and use it to stop detonating your life and the relationships that could mean so much.

Putting it all together…

There are few things more painful than falling for someone who emotionally unavailable. We pursue these unavailable partners because of our bent and broken perspectives, but we also pursue them because we fail to notice the signs of someone who isn’t really there for us. If we want to build happier, more fulfilling relationships, we have to be brutally honest about the people we’re holding on to, and what they truly bring (or don’t bring) to the table.

Figure out where you stand and figure out what you want from love and your relationships before confronting your partner, or taking dramatic action. Once you’re clear on what you need, start shedding the savior complex that keeps you clinging to someone out of hope that you can change them. We are the only ones who are capable of saving ourselves, and we alone are capable of that same level of internal change. Communicate your needs to them and allow that conversation to lay bare the crucial differences between your attachments. If the differences are too great to overcome, lean into some personal space, and use that space to develop a stronger sense of self. The better you know yourself, the more confident you will become in your independence. Stop settling and sabotaging for someone who doesn’t want to be in your life. Protect yourself against emotionally unavailable partners and stand up for your love today.