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ontact her. And if you did, Hubert would hack your bank and empty all your accounts. Wait a minute, no, Hubert already did that because — why not? Your alternate self, in a murderous rage, made a U-turn towards the nearest exit and ran head-on into — hm — the Iveco?</p><p id="4867">That’s a coincidence.</p><p id="c145">In Universe 6872, You⁶⁸⁷² successfully made the lane change to the left. Things went along pretty well for half a mile and you⁶⁸⁷² let out a hoot of triumph. “It worked!” you⁶⁸⁷² said, “I’ve successfully changed into the faster lane!” You⁶⁸⁷² were so happy — Road Euphoria — that you⁶⁸⁷² rear-ended the vehicle in front of you⁶⁸⁷². Most of the car skooched under the rear gate of the truck, but the dock and ledge went right through the windshield and decapitated you⁶⁸⁷² in a way that, honestly, if you saw it happening to someone else, you’d think it was pretty cool.</p><p id="5e85">The EMTs who showed up at the scene commented that it looked almost like your disembodied head was kissing the logo of the — Iveco truck?</p><p id="7cde">Wow.</p><p id="481d">You⁴³ actually chose to change one lane to the <i>right</i>, immediately after the Iveco passed you. The next time that lane came to a halt, the back door of the Iveco swung open and fifty armed thugs in clown masks fired submachine guns into your car. I wouldn’t have thought they could fit 50 people into the back of an Iveco reefer truck, even in clown masks.</p><p id="e221">What did you do to piss these people off?</p><p id="00ba">Iveco is an Italian truck manufacturer. The Pope-mobile may be the most famous Iveco vehicle. Then again, it may not. Have you been bothering the pope? Did you object to Francis’ adoption of the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_of_the_Fisherman">Ring of the Fisherman</a>? I know I did.</p><p id="2c8d">Some of your counter-selves choose to stay in your lane. That didn’t work out either. You¹¹¹ got out of the car, climbed on the roof, played accordion waltzes and waited til the the police showed up and shot you because the accordion “looked like he had a gun.”</p><p id="6ac9">You⁹⁵⁸⁷⁴⁶⁶⁵³ sat in your lane, the picture of patience, until a Boom Tube opened in the sky and parademons flew down, ripped the roof off your Kia Rio, and consumed you like the sweet sweet human boy flesh you/he is/are.</p><p id="1250">The only positive outcome I was able to witness was when You⁻⁵⁶⁷ pulled up the parking break and stopped the whole flow of traffic. You⁻⁵⁶⁷ got on the roof and distributed vegan tofu sandwiches to everyone around. The other cars circled in a Conestoga-type defensive posture until, eventually, your auto-fortress became a settlement. You⁻⁵⁶⁷ were elected mayor of this settleme

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nt, and, while the Ape Revolution happened in San Francisco, Youville⁻⁵⁶⁷ became a hub of frontier transit and trade. Eventually, though, the vegan tofu sandwiches ran out. Republican populists argued that you were hoarding resources. You⁻⁵⁶⁷ were deposed and exiled. The Republican populists lasted long enough to fall to the apes-on-horseback — so cool! — while You⁻⁵⁶⁷, in exile, escaped to a human refuge in the Finger Lakes. You grew old on a vineyard tending inferior grapes, making inferior white wine.</p><p id="e621">So how should I advise you? Should you change lanes? None of these outcomes are great. Just remember, in the words of Roger Waters, “Life is a short warm moment. Death is a long cold rest.” We can all use some rest.</p><p id="88a9"><i>Thanks to <a href="undefined">Stephanie Wilson</a> for the fine tuning.</i></p><figure id="b4a7"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*eEHVsTszUnLJrJVK.png"><figcaption><a href="undefined">David Todd McCarty</a></figcaption></figure><div id="0d33" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/am-i-sick-6c4a1106aded"> <div> <div> <h2>“Am I Sick?”</h2> <div><h3>If it’s not COVID, does it count?</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*PCj4IfRKsIO2e1VKD15v4w.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="958a" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/ten-headlines-in-search-of-a-joke-a5e4d822fd9a"> <div> <div> <h2>Ten Headlines in Search of a Joke</h2> <div><h3>Notebook ephemera</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*V2ceNYHD8bPINw2vkaxpMA.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="fd47" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/holy-shit-we-have-to-do-something-ba50c6ff38ed"> <div> <div> <h2>“Holy Shit! We Have to Do Something?”</h2> <div><h3>Frida Katlo reverses herself</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*bmt4IgoqEXKHIQyPqCXDyQ.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Granny Mary helps the fraught

“Should I Change Lanes?”

So much can go wrong

Photo by Musa Haef on Unsplash (altered by Chapin)

Send Granny Mary your questions in the comments here or email directly. Let’s check the mailbox!

Dear Granny Mary: I’m currently in the middle lane of a five-lane highway. I’m not gonna lie, traffic is a bear. Stops and starts, with mostly stops. One lane or the other seems to move for a while, but not the lane I’m in! My lane seems capable of only the slightest spasm before totally halting. I just got passed on the right by an Iveco reefer truck that I thought I’d left behind 20 minutes ago at a Masspike rest stop! Argh!

So my question for you is this: should I change lanes? Please advise. — signed, Fraught-With-Uncertainty

Dear Fraught: On the one hand I’m thinking, “Go ahead, what’s the worst that can happen?” On the other hand, I’m like, “So much can go wrong!” Rather than speculating, I’m going to lean on my friend, Susan Brearley, who recently figured out how to travel through time AND through alternate dimensions.

So, what is the worst that can happen? Let’s find out. I’ll see you after my trip through timespace!

I’m back! Wow. Very illuminating. I traveled a few hours into the future and checked in on your alternate selves.

A number of your selves decided to move to the next lane to your left — stereotypically thought of as the “faster” lane. It didn’t work out. Three of them were immediately creamed in the driver-side door by that Iveco you mentioned, which, in these alternate universes, hadn’t passed on your right, but on the left, a few minutes later. Street pizza is not a great look for you, my friend.

Another one of you moved into the left lane, and was called by your wife at exactly the moment of the lane change. She informed you that she was leaving you for Hubert, the IT guy at Plainfield Veterinary, and that you shouldn’t try to contact her. And if you did, Hubert would hack your bank and empty all your accounts. Wait a minute, no, Hubert already did that because — why not? Your alternate self, in a murderous rage, made a U-turn towards the nearest exit and ran head-on into — hm — the Iveco?

That’s a coincidence.

In Universe 6872, You⁶⁸⁷² successfully made the lane change to the left. Things went along pretty well for half a mile and you⁶⁸⁷² let out a hoot of triumph. “It worked!” you⁶⁸⁷² said, “I’ve successfully changed into the faster lane!” You⁶⁸⁷² were so happy — Road Euphoria — that you⁶⁸⁷² rear-ended the vehicle in front of you⁶⁸⁷². Most of the car skooched under the rear gate of the truck, but the dock and ledge went right through the windshield and decapitated you⁶⁸⁷² in a way that, honestly, if you saw it happening to someone else, you’d think it was pretty cool.

The EMTs who showed up at the scene commented that it looked almost like your disembodied head was kissing the logo of the — Iveco truck?

Wow.

You⁴³ actually chose to change one lane to the right, immediately after the Iveco passed you. The next time that lane came to a halt, the back door of the Iveco swung open and fifty armed thugs in clown masks fired submachine guns into your car. I wouldn’t have thought they could fit 50 people into the back of an Iveco reefer truck, even in clown masks.

What did you do to piss these people off?

Iveco is an Italian truck manufacturer. The Pope-mobile may be the most famous Iveco vehicle. Then again, it may not. Have you been bothering the pope? Did you object to Francis’ adoption of the Ring of the Fisherman? I know I did.

Some of your counter-selves choose to stay in your lane. That didn’t work out either. You¹¹¹ got out of the car, climbed on the roof, played accordion waltzes and waited til the the police showed up and shot you because the accordion “looked like he had a gun.”

You⁹⁵⁸⁷⁴⁶⁶⁵³ sat in your lane, the picture of patience, until a Boom Tube opened in the sky and parademons flew down, ripped the roof off your Kia Rio, and consumed you like the sweet sweet human boy flesh you/he is/are.

The only positive outcome I was able to witness was when You⁻⁵⁶⁷ pulled up the parking break and stopped the whole flow of traffic. You⁻⁵⁶⁷ got on the roof and distributed vegan tofu sandwiches to everyone around. The other cars circled in a Conestoga-type defensive posture until, eventually, your auto-fortress became a settlement. You⁻⁵⁶⁷ were elected mayor of this settlement, and, while the Ape Revolution happened in San Francisco, Youville⁻⁵⁶⁷ became a hub of frontier transit and trade. Eventually, though, the vegan tofu sandwiches ran out. Republican populists argued that you were hoarding resources. You⁻⁵⁶⁷ were deposed and exiled. The Republican populists lasted long enough to fall to the apes-on-horseback — so cool! — while You⁻⁵⁶⁷, in exile, escaped to a human refuge in the Finger Lakes. You grew old on a vineyard tending inferior grapes, making inferior white wine.

So how should I advise you? Should you change lanes? None of these outcomes are great. Just remember, in the words of Roger Waters, “Life is a short warm moment. Death is a long cold rest.” We can all use some rest.

Thanks to Stephanie Wilson for the fine tuning.