A PUBLIC SERVICE

Sherry Does Corporate!

Part 4: Dumbness is in the head of the A.S.S.

When it comes to “working” my experience is that the more you can make your teammates laugh throughout a wretched day, the more likely it is that all of you will survive it relatively unscathed.

Throughout my thirty-five years (or so) in the advertising and marketing industries, I’ve worked with a shit-ton of “account” people, otherwise known in Madison Avenue’s heyday, as the “suits.”

Basically, they’re tasked to ferry the work back and forth between the creative team and the client. Otherwise known as “administrators.” What they definitely are not: Facilitators.

Thinking back, I can count on less than one hand the number of account wonks who were savvy…who understand creative work and knew how to sell it. You would think that would be a job requirement. But, from what I’ve learned all account people need to do nowadays is show up. And often, they can’t even do that, as they’re adept at playing the “kid card.”

“Little Joey/Janey puked at school today so I have to pick him/her up and won’t be coming into the office.”

We didn’t give a damn as they were virtually useless either way. In, or out.

How appropriate that now, so many workers can do their thing remotely as the account staff can keep their asses home 24/7, without conjuring up bullshit excuses for the rest of us.

That leads me to the title of this story. When I was working full-time at the agency/sweatshop I’m currently freelancing for, I came up with this acronym for our account ninnies: A.S.S., for “Account Services Staff.”

My teammates and I got a great kick out of referring to them in this manner, AKA, “ What’s our A.S.S. up to today?” Or, “Can you believe the A.S.S. in that kickoff meeting, today?”

A.S.S. was an equal opportunity acronym as we used it in a singular, as well as a plural sense. And, it crossed all genders!

As it turns out, the A.S.S. I’m working with now is the same one who judged our creative work when I was full-time. Somehow, they’ve been grandfathered in or they would have been shit-canned long ago. They’re not just dim, they’re dim and mean.

Earlier, I referenced “suits.” Forget about it. In fact, two of the nitwits I worked with in the past routinely showed up at work dressed as if they were going clubbing. Short skirts. High heels. Low cleavage. It was mind-blowing. In fact, rumor had it that one of these women actually had blown several members of the penis-enhanced staff. Maybe that’s why she was grandfathered in.

Now that’s dedication to one’s job!

One of my “favorite” recollections of my time as a Senior Copywriter and then Associate Creative Director is related to our internal creative reviews with the A.S.S.

Aside from being mind-numbing, these meetings were a soul-sucking experience, at least for us creatives.

First, we’d discuss the overall concept as simplistically as possible for the A.S.S. to “get it.” (Much of the time, they didn’t.)

Next, my art director partner would take them through the overall layout. Unless they absolutely hated it, (“why yellow?!), they’d ooh and ahh like the phonies they were.

And then it would be my turn to take them through the copy, after which they’d sit and look at me, stoney-eyed, mainly because if I had the temerity to include words over two syllables, they’d be stymied. (And I guarantee, they wouldn’t know what that means.)

In short, they were dumb AF. Between them, I don’t believe they had more than three working brain cells.

Much of the A.S.S. was also humorless, unless they were playing around on their phones which they did throughout our meetings. They were either texting their kids, checking their email or scrolling through their Facebook feed. They could have been on Pornhub for all I know.

My own “boss,” the uncreative “Creative Director,” would fuck around with impunity on Facebook during meetings.

This was the person I’ve referenced in other stories. The Mistress of the Malaprop, who spouted such gems as “case and point.”

Another dunce.

The A.S.S. loved her though because she smooched up to them like nobody’s business. She rarely defended us when the nitwits absolutely LOVED our work in a meeting, but shit all over it later. Whatever they said, no matter how inane, was A-OK with her.

I’ll bet many of you have had supervisors like her, no?

Hold on. Gotta run back to the laptop and a Teams meeting!

Oh boy. I skedaddled back over to my personal computer to tell you that I’m “in” my first creative review with the A.S.S. now. I personally set up the work laptop close to my iMac so I can fill you in in “real time,” if possible.

Let me tell you. The A.S.S. is as empty-headed as they were three and a half years ago when I was employed.

At one point, after the Creative Director on this team presented our first concept, there was absolute silence for like…a long time. It’s often hard to discern what that means coming from A.S.S., as they can be confused, or overwhelmed or distracted by other things, you know?

Hold on. Gotta run back as an A.S.S. that I previously worked with is welcoming me back.

Shit, I almost got a warm fuzzy, but I’m not going to be there that long so I really don’t deserve the open arms.

I feel kind of bad about that but hell, I’m losing my mind and I already look as if I’ve been dragged through a corn field by a combine.

Anyway, I hope this gives you a good idea of what you could be in for if you rejoin corporate America. It’s a hell of a slog and be prepared, as you may be reunited with your A.S.S.

They’re tough to get rid of.

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her short films have screened at The Pan African Film Festival in Cannes (awarded “best short”), the Nashville Film Festival, the Honolulu Film Festival, the Los Angeles Film School, New Filmmakers New York, and New Filmmakers Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, “The Month We Fell Apart,” a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.

Thanks for reading, guys. If you enjoyed this, I’d love for you to check out the following, as well as my newsletter, Sherry Raw.