A PUBLIC SERVICE

Sherry Does Corporate!

Part 2: WTF happened to the “paper clip?”

It is the second day of my new, freelance gig and, as promised, I want to give you a feel for what it’s like to dive back into the corporate sea.

It sucks.

If there’s anything that will make you feel as if your brain shrunk to lentil size, it’s “rejoining the life.” Kind of makes me sound like a hooker, doesn’t it?

Well, I’m in it for the money and the money only, so draw your own conclusions, friends.

I no longer have a passion for the work, nor the industry. Selling shit that nobody really wants isn’t the kick for me that it once was. Go figure.

The changes that have occurred at my former employer since I was laid off in February of 2018, are staggering. The big deal for us then was when we started using Basecamp as a way to show and share work. Prior to that, we were kickin’ it old school with emails.

Now, we have Microsoft Teams, Sharepoint, Basecamp, and a couple of other apps that I haven’t had to use yet, and am girding my loins for the day when I will.

If I last that long.

Microsoft Teams allows co-workers to stay in touch ALL FRIGGIN’ DAY, EVERY DAY. Every five minutes I hear the “ding” of another chat being initiated.

Now, I never have been one for meetings. In my experience, which is extensive, they’re huge time sucks. People flapping their gums when they should be…well…working. Getting the job done. Instead, you talk, talk, talk, run to grab a morsel of food so you don’t pass out, and then, find yourself having to work well past five because you spent a good portion of the day on bullshit.

This may sound harsh, but, anyone who toils in the corporate arena knows I’m right. Another thing: Everyone talks over each other. I don’t know if that’s a thing, but it’s kind of hilarious.

And then, there are the seemingly innocuous tasks that one must do, that have changed considerably since one did them before.

Take Microsoft Outlook. I’ve used Microsoft’s email platform maybe once in the last several years, and that was to buy a PC for my husband. I’m a Mac gal. And, when I was a full-time employee of the company I’m gigging for, they didn’t use Outlook. Now, they do.

So, imagine my chagrin when I attempted to attach a file to an email and couldn’t figure out how the fuck to do it! I should be embarrassed to admit it, but people, for the last few years I’ve used Gmail, and Gmail only!

Gmail makes it EASY to attach files. See, there’s a little paper clip icon on the bottom of the draft and all you have to do is click on it and select your file.

Today, my humiliation reached a new high as I searched for this friggin’ paper clip in Outlook and it was nowhere to be found! I must have spent twenty minutes squinting at my screen while cursing at myself for taking this on.

Where’d that little bastard go?

But…I figured it out. You can attach files by heading to the Drafts folder. Problem solved. I still would like to know what they did with the paper clip. It was too easy, I suppose.

Here’s something else I’ve learned: I must have my phone within reach at all times. So I can receive the texted codes that will unlock the portal where my timesheets reside.

Ah. I screwed that pooch right off the bat, people. I was told by HR that freelancers must get their timesheets submitted by end of day, on Fridays or we’d be stuck in “timesheet jail,” and our checks, late.

Last Friday, I had several billable hours due to my preparation for this job. Dutifully, I filled out my sheets with the proper job codes and then promptly forgot about it.

At about 6:30 that night, as I was showering, and deep into my exfoliation process, I remembered that I’d forgotten to submit the damned thing!

I nearly tore a hamstring running down to the basement, dripping water all the way so I could submit my timesheet. Then I realized I’d forgotten my phone! I needed that fucking text message to get to my timesheet!

Finally, I got the thing submitted. I figure that technically, it was in the system before the actual end of the day, but who knows what that terminology really signifies? What is “end of day” in the corporate sector?

My first check will probably be late and it’s my own damned fault.

I was thinking, you know all those “For Dummies” books? Someone should write a version for people like me who thought they could “go home again.”

Well, Thomas Wolfe was right. Some of us can’t.

Still, one day at a time, people. And I hope what I’m putting down is helping some of you who might be on the fence about returning to a world where the lingo is as pretentious as the people who spout it. In fact, I could cover that in a separate story. And, I might.

Finally, you may be wondering how I’m even writing this piece, with all my pissing and moaning about this gig taking up all of my time.

My work laptop is just steps away from my iMac, where I conduct my “real” business. So, whenever I have a few moments to myself and forego eating or leaving the basement, I return to you.

Anyway, you’re not gonna get rid of me that easily.

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her short films have screened at The Pan African Film Festival in Cannes (awarded “best short”), the Nashville Film Festival, the Honolulu Film Festival, the Los Angeles Film School, New Filmmakers New York, and New Filmmakers Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, “The Month We Fell Apart,” a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.

Thanks for reading, guys. If you enjoyed this, I’d love for you to check out the following, as well as my newsletter, Sherry Raw.