She Was Only Gone for 10 Minutes
How anxiety causes you to quickly spiral out of control
My daughter, Ella, the little daredevil who’s constantly keeping me on my toes. I tell her she’s bold, brave and has a beautiful heart. She does. But she also scares the living daylights out of me often, too often.
When she was just 2 years old, she decided to head to the corner store all by herself. My son, Cayden, who was almost 4 at the time, waited patiently for me to put on my shoes.
The front door was open. I was right there. Ella was gone. My son turned to me and said “Mommy, Ella is gone.” My heart sank.
At first, I thought she was hiding in the small field next to our house. Is she behind one of the five trees? She wasn’t.
I quickly checked behind and under the cars in the area, calling out her name.
Nothing.
My mind was racing. My anxiety was kicking in.
I could barely think. I was running in circles. All that was going through my head was the story I’d heard on repeat growing up.
Never go close to a van without windows. They like to hangout close to elementary schools and drive through neighbourhoods looking for kids who aren’t being watched.
This was routinely communicated to us at school and at home as children.
Personally, I never saw said van. Yet, the story remained imprinted in my mind.
I asked a lady passing by if she had seen a little girl in a pink coat and purple hat. She hadn’t. I ran to the next street, my son following my every move, screaming for her. I only heard silence.
Tears started streaming down my face. I gathered the neighbours for help.
I called the police. They were of no help. For them, it had only been 6 minutes. For me, I had aged a year.
My son started mimicking my reaction — my fear, my anxiety.
His tears caused me to feel like I was failing as a mother. I had lost my baby girl to a van without windows and now my son was terrified, walking in panicked cirlces next to me.
As the neighbours headed out, I hopped in my car. In such an erratic state, I put Cayden in the front seat without his car seat. My mind was spiralling out of control.
I could barely breathe. I was sweating. My heart was pounding. My speech was chaotic.
My little girl was gone.
As I turned around a corner, driving without awareness, I saw one of my neighbours in the distance walking past a parked car on the street.
He was looking down to his right. I couldn’t see anything else because of the car.
Was he looking at her?
He glanced up and saw my worried eyes. He smiled and from behind the parked car, my baby appeared.
I stopped the car in the middle of the road. I ran to her and held her in my arms, while my heart struggled to remain in my chest.
She was clueless as to what was happening.
I was feeling faint, powered only by panic and adrenaline.
Cayden was still in the front seat. He started screaming for me — now afraid to be left alone.
That day scarred him. He’s now 5. While his sister has no recollection of the day she decided to walk to the store by herself, he does.
He recalls hearing the story of how she was standing behind a bush on the corner of a street, on the way to the store. He points to it when we walk by.
He remembers us looking that way, but because she was just little, we couldn’t see her.
He remembers my fear. He remembers my tears. He remembers how he felt.
Now, when she strays too far from us, he shouts for her to come back. He starts to worry and get anxious.
Anxiety can spread like wildfire, from one generation to the next. Is it hereditary, environmental or both?
In the case of my son, I believe it’s both.
Hours later, I still couldn’t speak about the incident without crying. Even now, as I’m writing this, my body is having a physical response. My heart is picking up speed. My eyes are filling up.
When you have anxiety, what is only ten minutes can feel like a lifetime.
The impact this has had on my son reflects the degree to which my physical and mental states were altered.
I talk about it with him, but he can’t seem to let it go. My anxiety has rubbed off on him.
This situation opened up my eyes. The extent to which anxiety has affected my family propelled me on a path of learning to work through it.
- The first step I learned was to become aware of what’s happening.
- Take long, deep breaths to get out of your fear-state brain.
- Show yourself some compassion.
- Ask yourself if the story in your mind is true? In my case, the windowless van hadn’t actually picked up my daughter. My story wasn’t true!
- Slow your thoughts down by continuing to consciously breathe deep.
- Time permitting, get curious about what’s happening in your mind.
- Seek help from those close to you and/or a professional.
Anxiety is a powerful force. When left unchecked, it can cause a person to spiral into the unknown. The mind becomes consumed with worry and fear. Through small gentle steps, you can breathe through the feelings and gradually ask what is causing you to feel so anxious. Often what we are telling ourselves is a story that simply isn’t true in that specific moment.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story about anxiety.
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