When I Woke Up I Cried — A Story About Anxiety

Then I got curious and later peed my pants

The other day when I woke I felt this wash of sadness come over me. I started to cry. Thoughts of my five miscarriages popped up. A sad song was on repeat in my head.

I had slept terribly. My eyes were dry and heavy. My head was aching. Putting my feet on the ground was close to impossible.

My thoughts spiralled, racing into worry and more sadness.

Anxiety had kicked in.

Now new thoughts appeared. The focus shifted to my two healthy little ones.

What if I lose one of the beautiful babies I have now? What if one day they don’t wake up? What if a stranger takes them?

My body started to respond. My chest felt tight — my breathing was shallow. My heart was pounding so fiercely I could hear it in my ears.

Then, like a superhero entering the room to rescue me, I remembered something I’d heard on the podcast Ten Percent Happier with Dan Harris. In one of his episodes, he interviewed Dr. Judson (Jud) Brewer, a psychiatrist and New York Times Best Selling Author, about anxiety.

Dr. Jud’s solutions to help with the feelings of anxiety: Get curious about your anxiety and where it is coming from, without judgement.

Remembering this gave me two choices:

1. While remaining curled up in the fetal position I could sit in my sad feelings, enhancing them with more worry and depressing thoughts.
2. Practice curiosity.

Luckily and thankfully, I opted for curiosity.

I started questioning where my anxiety was coming from and how it was making me feel. I asked myself if the thoughts were true, at this moment. The answer was no.

While I was thinking about the babies I had lost, I reminded myself of all the good things they taught me.

This got me out of the sad state and into a state of movement from the bed, to the floor to the door.

“Worry doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrows; it empties today of its strengths.” — Corrie ten Boom

In the background, I could hear my son quietly crawl into my daughter’s bed. The two of them were happily chatting away.

I told myself that they are here, with me now. My anxiety slowly disappeared.

I got out of my head.

I mindfully savoured the moment of their hushed giggles filling me up.

This motivated me to open the bedroom door. I took a deep breath.

Later that day, when the anxiety was long gone something completely out of the ordinary happened.

I peed my pants.

I was in the kitchen making a snack for my kids. I had to go to the bathroom badly, but being in my full-time mom-mode, I held it.

Snacks first, pee after.

Then, my son — the little joker — said something funny. I don’t remember exactly what he said. But I do remember the look on his face.

This mischievous smile with squinted eyes, glaring at me with a hint of pride at his humour.

In my overly tired state, I broke into laughter, an extreme lack of breathing laughter. My eyes teared up in this non-stop moment of hilariousness. I had no control.

“A good laugh heals a lot of hurts.” — Madaline L’Engle

Realizing how desperately I needed to pee, I ran towards the bathroom, expertly dodging toys like a ninja.

As I attempted to pull down my pants, I pulled on my shirt instead. That was it, I peed about 70% of my bladder contents in my pants and onto the floor. My kids were in stitches. I was still trying to catch my breath.

In less than 4 hours I had gone from an anxiety whirlwind to tear-jerking, pants-peeing laughter. By getting curious I was able to move past my anxiety. This led to a better, more eventful day — to say the least.

Takeaways

1. When you start to feel anxious, get curious.
2. Feel where it’s affecting you in your body.
3. Ask where it’s coming from and if what you’re feeling is true at this moment.
4. Show yourself some compassion by not judging your anxiety.
5. Connect with others. In my, case it was my kids.
6. And of course, when you have to pee don’t wait.

I hope you found some value in this story. My goal was to bring awareness to anxiety, while also demonstrating how quickly we can move past our anxious feelings if we allow ourselves to. We always have a choice to sit in them or to move out of them.

For more on anxiety and how to creatively move past it, take a look at this article from Julia. She writes beautifully, with a deep connection to her topics and her readers.

I also suggest the below masterpiece on the master of disguise by Liberty Forrest, Author.